Some things that I've shot with my Canon 7D

Well, thanks to generous friends and tax returns, I've been blessed to own a Canon 7D for about three weeks, now. I've been playing with it and getting used to the workflow. Here are some things I've shot with it so far.

True to oneself?

One of the topics I've seen more and more from various arcs within my circle of friends is this issue of being who you are, being true to yourself, etc. Those kind of mantras. I wanted to share my perspective on that.

Whether you believe that we were born into sin, or born into a sinful world and became corrupted, the Word makes it clear that all have fallen short of the glory of God. I need Christ's provision, or I'm incomplete. I'm fallen. I'm broken. I'm not what He made me to be. Now, if you're not a Christian, if you don't subscribe to that faith, then it's fairly easy to disagree with that idea. However, what perplexes me are the Christians who seem to disagree with the Word itself in that regard.

I'm going to talk about myself, and bare something to you that you may or may not know. In my flesh, if I were to be true to the natural desires of my heart, I would be surfing the internet for pornography every night. I would be less inclined to worry about fidelity in my marriage, and probably wouldn't have taken any precautions to ensure that I didn't cheat on my wife. In my flesh, I'm a sex addict. It's a constant act of surrendering that to the Holy Spirit. It's a constant choice to delve into the Word to overcome it.

That's my battle. That's my choice. And more importantly, without Christ, that's who I am. That's my nature.

If I were to be "true to myself" (that is, the natural drives of my physical heart) right now, that's what I would be doing at this moment, instead of posting this blog. And I'd probably be separated, divorced, or somewhere in the middle.

I personally cannot accept being "true to oneself" as any kind of a Christian principle.

Now, look what I just did in the previous paragraphs. I'm not allowing myself to be true to my heart (that is, the sinful, wicked, and thanks to the provision of Christ, dying side of me), but I am being true about myself. I just told you what I am in my flesh.

But I refuse to let that be the truth that shapes me. You see, I have a choice. I can accept that the way my mind works, the sexual appetites of my flesh, and the perverted thoughts that attempt to take me down are my truth, or I can turn to the Truth of the One who created me, and desires something different.

First, there comes an issue of pride, for me at least. You see, aside from the Holy Spirit, the Word, and the prompting of others connected to the Holy Spirit, there's a dying part of me that doesn't necessarily see any harm in lusting after other women. And I have a choice to make. Do I accept that dying part of myself back into the fold, or do I continue to expose him to the Lord, to the people I trust, and, in this case, to the whole damn world?

If we can't be honest about ourselves, we, even as Christians, do end up becoming true to our old selves. At least, that's how I am. I don't know, maybe you're different.

My flawed nature rails against God's original decree that my eyes stay on one woman; that a man and a woman are to be inseparably connected, the two becoming one flesh. My fallen self rails against one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.

In other words, my dying flesh's personal truth (small "t") directly butts its head against the bearer of Truth (big "T"). You want to hear a really sick thing? When that's happened, I've been tempted to re-invent what God says in His Word to "soften the blow", so to speak. Not only am I tempted to become "true to myself", but am tempted to twist the Truth into fitting me.

Here's the punchline. The Truth doesn't fit me, and I don't fit it. I require the One Who Fits Truth to make provision for me. It's His grace, it's His mercy, it's His love. Love, love, love.

But what does He say? What is His command? Is it "be true to yourself, Brandon"? When the woman caught in adultery was forgiven her sins and spared judgment, is that what Jesus said to the woman? No. "Go, and sin no more."

He makes provision. But then He has a command. Because I've been given grace. Grace is a great power. It's freeing, it's liberating, it's empowering.

If you're a Spidey fan, you know what I'm gonna say next.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

I can't change myself, and I've been done trying for a long, long time. But you know what else I'm not gonna change for myself? The Truth.

The Truth is, lust is a sin. Sexual fantasies of other women is as evil as adultery, per the words of Christ. Adultery is sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is not part of God's plan. God created one man for one woman.

That's the Truth. So while I can't change myself, I have a responsibility to stay in His presence and accept His prodding, through people, through the Word, and through His Spirit, to be obedient, even when it doesn't feel like I'm being true to who I am (that is, the deceitful flesh that wants what it wants, takes what it can take, and lies to get it).

You know who wants me to be true to myself? The lion that seeks to destroy me. He wants me to stay where I've been, to return to my past vomit, so that he can tear me apart with guilt, shame, and loneliness again, and again, and again.

I'll be true about myself, so that I won't have keep being true to myself. Instead... let me be true to what Christ has in store for me.

Rendering it down

For a long time, I tried to balance three different "jobs" so to speak. One was working in the ministry, utilizing my media skills for my part of the Church, the next was making the films God had personally put on my heart to make, and the last was weddings, commercials, and all other kinds of side jobs to help make ends meet, since the first two "jobs" don't pay a lot.

I came to a point of utter collapse and emotional exhaustion, as I was (and am) also a husband, a father, and a son of the King, by the grace of Jesus Christ. The short of it was, my life was not about the relationships I was created for; it was about the tools, the projects, and the income to keep us afloat. It was almost a physical pain for me to actually take time for people and not "work". It took a discipline that wore me down to focus on the people in the moment, and not on what the next thing was that I needed to do.

Constantly, I'd find myself in survival mode: running as fast as I could from "distractions" to my "works", and loathing the times when I couldn't run. I had many almost literal fist to face encounters with God as I wrestled with Him constantly. I knew something about the way I was living my life wasn't pleasing to Him, but I wasn't completely trusting.

I fought when I thought He was threatening to take away my passions, I even bared my teeth when He'd remove me from projects that I envisioned. (By the grace of God, I still stand!) Mind you, this was all (mostly) internalized. The only people who really saw me battle this were my wife and daughter, and usually they'd only hear it as I'd close a door and start yelling violently.

I wouldn't even know why I was yelling, or what was so upsetting to me. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to be with my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my fellow believers. I wanted a simpler life, a life where relationship reigned, and tasks were merely a method to which new relationships could be formed.

But I feared two things, primarily. If I surrendered my passion for filmmaking to God, He wouldn't give it back. And if I trusted Him to provide and not stress over side jobs and finding supplemental income...would He really provide?

God met me with a challenge to trust Him, and I accepted. I surrendered my need for supplemental income, and my desire to make films. He came back to me with this word: "Give your talents to your friends, family, and those needing them, and I will move them to give to you when you need it." The worker earns his wages, for sure, but I had become so focused on the wages and obsessing over it, that I'd lost the ability to just work with others in community. It was always "the next thing".

God rendered me down, and as I took steps of faith and moved past my need for control, I've started to see how to properly function in relationship. See, the ironic thing is, I don't stop working; in fact, sometimes, I work more now. I look for opportunities to intentionally work for and with others without any promise of pay. I have grown a desire to bless others with the tool sets that I have been given.

Why? Is it because I'm sick in the head still? Probably, but I don't think so. When I'm able to come alongside someone and just bless them, just make a video for them, whether it be for a friend who owns a business, or an organization that I believe in, or a pal who works at a news station, and it's just about the people working together to make something happen...it's beautiful. As I've moved in that direction, God has provided financially! It just happens! People give as they feel led to give, I give as I feel led to give, and I don't have to stress over the details.

This also gives me the incredible power to say "no". Because if I don't have to worry about my income, and a project comes along, and I just don't think it fits me, or God's got another schedule for me, or whatever, I don't feel a pressure to accept anyway for the income.

"You're on my payroll, kid." That's what I heard Him say several months ago. I do the things that He has for me, and He'll provide the things He has for me.

And you know what all those "things" are? Is it money? No. Is it tools? No. It's people. It's friends, family, coworkers and fellow artists. It's a collective celebration of giving as I live in and grow in a community that is led by the Spirit and receives, and gives, receives, and gives... to infinity (and beyond!).

So what's the point of all this? What's this ramble about? Simply this. I don't care if what I does "makes me money". I care that I'm blessing the people in my life.

I'm on God's payroll. He's got me. I can trust Him. He might not provide all the flashy cool toys that I want, but He'll give me what I really want. Friends, family, and most importantly... Him.

The Book of Eli - My Review (and a little bit more)

The Book of Eli is without a doubt the film that has single-handedly impacted me the most in the last year, at least. Some call it ridiculous, others call it beautiful. Some hate it, some love it.

I, though, have a much more personal connection with it.

In 2007, I was wrapping up the first edit of my first feature film, "The Broken Quiet". I began getting visuals for another feature film, and the stories, characters, and plots kept changing, but the title was the same from the beginning: "Chains of Freedom".

I tossed and turned through treatment after treatment, concept after concept, and a narrative began to develop. I wanted to make a film that was one giant metaphor for the Gospel, and more than the Gospel, but the entire Book. I began refining the treatments, the layouts, and finally, the outline, until I was ready, in January of 2009, to sit down and jot down the first draft.

I remember the process as I did it. Rachel had spiritual experiences and dreams of an angel hovering about me, protecting me, guiding me. I felt those experiences, saw shadows move that weren't mine. God was there.

I got feedback from the first draft, and in the spring of 2009, I began writing the second draft. It all became a bit clearer, a bit cleaner, and that draft was sent out, and came back with suggestions from friends and colleagues.

Meanwhile, I was starting to figure out what kind of actors I would want cast for the various roles. Someone like Djimon Hounsou or Denzel Washington for the hero, Gary Oldman or Kevin Spacey for the villian. Assorted other types. Just dreaming.

It would be set in some kind of a Mad Max environment, because I liked the idea of a badass Jesus on a motorcycle.

It was now September. I decided to put it on the back burner for just a little while. In the meantime, I went with some friends to "Surrogates", a Bruce Willis film.

That's when I saw this trailer play on the screen:



WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT COMPLETELY SPOILER-FREE

Sufficed to say, I was crushed. I felt the wind blow out of my sails. Two years...two years of agonizing over details, scripts, characters...

And it wasn't just that. It was the fact that I felt like God Himself had pulled a bait and switch on me. See, if I had just lost two years of concept development, that's one thing. No biggie. It happens to everyone who's a "nobody" filmmaker, and even some "somebody" filmmakers, right?

What stung, rather, was that God had done all this stuff with dreams, with visions, with mad amounts of inspiration...only to have it all be done, similarly, by someone else. Why, God?

I still don't know the answer...but I know that it greatly enhanced the awe I have for this film (and no, not because it's so similar in character set-up and structure to mine).

I went into this film seeing the very mixed reviews, and was almost tempted to just pass it up, but because I had spent two years on something very similar...I had to see it. I had to. Maybe to breathe a sigh of relief if it sucked and plan to go again in a few years with a different cast, maybe to just hang it up once and for all if it was really good.

I didn't know what I was expecting. But I didn't expect what I got.

I don't want spoil the film for you; there's really not a whole lot to say about the film without ruining the plot. So I'll try to keep it light.

I will say this.

It did a far better job at doing what I wanted to do. It had balls of steel to actually proclaim the Word of the Lord instead of hiding behind metaphors. It was brutal, profane, and filled with humanity's darkness. It reflected the Book Eli was protecting itself, both the Old and New Testaments.

I never cry at a movie. Never. Maybe a sniffle, maybe a gasp, but I just don't cry. I get emotionally involved, but I don't cry. I don't think Passion of the Christ even pulled tears from me.

But this film left me with stained cheeks. It wasn't the film itself; the acting was excellent, but that wasn't what got me. Hearing the Word of God spoken with such...truth...on the silver screen... I don't think I'd ever heard it.

I wasn't going to go nearly that far. I had a more "clever" approach. Yet Denzel Washington helped produce and acted in a film that just said it: the world needs the Word, and the One Who Spoke it.

Two things this film did to me.

One, as a filmmaker, it was a humbling experience. I confess, I've become somewhat proud in the fact that I am a Christian filmmaker who wants to make intense, non-family friendly, real films, that really tell stories, not preach sermons. I'd gotten a bit of a smug smirk on my soul about it. I was Christian, but I was gonna make awesome R-rated films. Because God was gonna use me to do that.

Walking out of that theater, God said, "I don't need you to do anything, kid." He humbled me, lovingly, but truthfully. I realized, again, how small I am, and how small I'll stay, no matter how much success God brings me, if any at all. He reminded me again, why I'm even supposed to be pursuing filmmaking at all - to praise His name.

And if His name is praised, does it matter who's doing the praising? The Apostle Paul didn't seem to think so, he laughed at those preaching the Gospel in envy of him (not that anyone envies me), and said, basically, "As long as Jesus' name is spread, who cares?"

If and when I ever have the pleasure of meeting the Hughes brothers or Denzel Washington, I owe them thanks for that.

Second, and this is the one that really counts, The Book of Eli awakened within me an honest desire and love for the Word. For years, I've tried to push myself into being hungry for it, and while I love prayer and worship, I just couldn't stay interested when I cracked open the Word. It felt too...familiar.

This film shows a world with no Holy Book spared but one, and a very uniquely... restricted... version at that.

It showed a man called to protect it, and ultimately, to embody it. This man spends his entire life, his entire existence, purposing the Word to his mind. And he can never get enough. He's never fully arrived. His last lines are, "God, thank you for the good I was able to do. I'm so sorry about the bad." He was a humble, hungry servant.

It didn't make me feel judged, guilty, or depressed. Rather... it made me hungry.

I watched the film a second time, then went home, found a family Bible Rachel and I were given for Christmas a few years back. It's big, it's bulky, and it kind of reminds me of Eli's fictitious story. Why is it so important to remember a fictitious story?

Because it should be mine, too. I should be so hungry for this blessing that God Himself has protected, through the corrupted hands of men (I have faith for that), that I can never get enough. And it shouldn't truthfully be about the pages, or even the words on the page...

It should be about the words that translate to my soul. Eli demonstrates that in the closing act of the film in a way that, again, drove me to utter tears. A Hollywood film...portrays this? (There's that smugness, that pride, yet again. Thank you Lord, for the kind rebuke.)

So...as I finish typing this quite long ramble about a film and what it did to me (and prepare to see it once more tonight), I thank God for using what I thought was foolish to instruct me.

I thank God that He used this film to remind me that prayer is more about thanksgiving than demands. I thank God that He used this film to remind me that Discipleship is what He cares most about. I thank God that He used this film...to humble me.

I thank God. This is my film. I may not have made it, but I treasure it in my heart.

Project: Morning Rain

Hey, all, here's a video concerning my other blog, Project: Morning Rain.



If you can help, thank you very much! Please forward this video on to anyone you think would have a heart for this.

www.hall-e-woode.com

Just a quick note: this blog is now officially my only website, other than Project: Morning Rain. I felt I wasn't doing enough with my original site, giving far more attention to my blogs, and since I can post news, videos, and short films here just as easily as I would on any other site, and I'm here more often...it just made sense.

So I've canceled my webspace, utilizing www.dropbox.com to send files and such to folks that I work with, and have saved myself a cool $11.99 a month. Woohoo!

So, folks, welcome to www.hall-e-woode.com!

A Lesson in Prayer

Last Monday, I felt the need to visit my part of the Church's prayer ministry during what they call "Soaking Prayer", which takes place every Monday evening. "Soaking Prayer" is simple: a team of two people pray with you in a room with no time limits. Most often it's used for physical healing, but I decided to go for physical healing (I've had surgery to remove my colon in 2001, and would love a new one) and more so, for confirmation that God has been speaking to me about Project: Morning Rain and the modern take on the questions presented in the book of Job.

While being prayed over, one of the things the prayer team spoke over me was that I needed to be bolder in asking for what God's put on my heart, that God won't disappoint. So they led me to ask God aloud for my physical restoration, and waited. Nothing happened, but I felt a great release as I was able to honestly, in the presence of others, ask Him for it. I also received the freedom to accept that sometimes He says "no", even when He moves us to ask. Though I can't reconcile why He would tell me to ask and then say, "No", I'm beginning to get it.

This week was a test further in that direction. As my readers no doubt know well by now, I am without a camera, and am asking God to provide a new one for me in this work by March. I was talking with Him about it, how it is so frustrating that He both freed me from feeling obligated to "side jobs" in order to ensure we can make it and pushed me towards doing the films He has for me, and moved me to donate my camera to my part of the Church.

Then He said, in that small Voice of His, "You could ask that I would give you the Canon 7D for Christmas." My initial reaction, and what I struggled against throughout the week, was the instinct to recoil and think, "He's not going to give it to me, so why bother?" On the other hand, I didn't want to get my hopes up, because He just said I could ask. He didn't say He would say yes.

But in that moment, I made a decision to start asking, that He would provide me with a Canon 7D for Christmas, so that I could more fully provide content for Project: Morning Rain.

Constantly, whenever the thought would come up, I would stop and pray, walking the line of having faith, and not putting my trust in a camera. I kept reminding myself, it wasn't about the camera, it was about me asking my Heavenly Father to give me to the tools I needed to do what He put on my heart to do. I reminded God constantly that He was the One who inspired me to ask for this for Christmas.

On Tuesday, I went to Best Buy to utilize the first $100 that had been donated to buy a portable hard drive for Project: Morning Rain. When I have the completed kit, I will go on a road trip to capture footage for films, interviews, and the like. And I'd need a portable hard drive that would work for that.

I found the unit that would work for me (amazing how small these things are, now), and on my way out, felt the desire to see what cameras were at Best Buy. Surely, not the 7D, I thought. With wife and child in tow, I scanned across the available items, and there, at the very end of the line-up, was the Canon 7D, complete with a lens package for under $2,000. There it was, the thing I was asking for, right in front of me.

If it hadn't been for my wife being such a debt hating Godsend, it would have been so very hard to honor my commitment to God: no more debt for gear. I was not going to make it happen for myself.

Yet there it was, with a finance option of no interest for 18 months. Nevermind that our income isn't enough as it is, that there would be no way to pay that off in time, that, because God moved me to give up side jobs, there's no way any kind of extra money is coming in save through God's providence and His people.

It was there. I tested it, played with it; then walked away. I can tell you this intensified my prayers; oh that someone would see that camera and think of me! I fought desperately, all the more, to focus on asking for what was on my heart, not telling God how it should go down. He told me to pray for it for Christmas, not to tell Him how to make it happen.

The rest of the week, whenever the thought came up, I would pray it, and, as quick as it came, it would leave. I could sense in the back of my mind God saying, "It's not about the camera", and I began to sense what it was He was really doing, but I didn't want to set aside my faith that He might still do this thing -- that was part of the lesson.

I continued, and found myself praying more, and more. And for many things, not just for the 7D. Often it would start with the 7D due to a thought, but then my prayers would quickly wander to other people, families, friends with marriages in tough places, my part of the Church, and many other things.

Strangely, while the thing that drove me to pray was this little camera, I wouldn't stay there long. Again, I began to realize what it was God was really doing, but I felt Him say, "Don't stop praying for that 7D."

The short of it? Christmas came and went, and there is still no camera. (Yet.) But I don't feel disappointment. I know that God knows I need the right tools to get the job done, and I honestly believe this whole thing, months ago, started because He put it in my heart that the current tools I had were too big, too bulky, for what He had for me next.

But at the end of the day, it's not about the tools. Rather, it's bringing everything, whether small or big, before the Father, constantly. I know that my Father will not give me a snake when I have asked for a loaf of bread. I know that my Savior and Lord has put these dreams in my heart, to glorify him with the visions of stories and adventures in my head. And somehow, this experience, this week, strengthened, rather than weakened, that knowledge.

I told Rachel earlier in the week about this, and she said she was concerned that if God didn't deliver, I'd get depressed. I don't think I am. It's difficult. It's really hard right now not to think about how to make it happen, how to justify picking up just a little bit of side work, or to figure out how to make 18 months worth of payments before the interest kicks in, or to...or to...or to...

But I remember the goodness of my God, the people He's placed in my life, and the wealth of the Spirit that I've so often taken for granted (or worse, mistrusted), and it passes. I may have to remind myself multiple times, but it passes. He doesn't want me to scheme and plan, because He wants to have the pleasure of blessing me. It's His joy more than mine.

And whether it's from Best Buy, or from donations, from checks or cash, from men or from angels...I know that He's promised me a camera for this new season. I know it's coming soon. And furthermore...I know it's not about the camera at all.

So I wait with expectation, and I keep praying. I pray every time any thought about anything comes to me, now, because I am so excited to come before my Father with my requests, and leave with more insights than requests I had entered with.