Supernatural Inspiration

So, I have had an interesting week. I've started writing music for Chains of Freedom as I've gotten the plot points where I want them. Basically, I'm going to write some tracks this month, then use them for inspiration for what I write when I start next month. More than inspiration, actually. They're like the audible blueprints of the emotions and the pacing.

But when I talk about inspiration, there is a lot of inspiration going on in my house lately. Directly related to this film, I realize. Last October I was at Vineyard Boise's Men's Retreat. I got a notebook from it. The day after I got home from the retreat, I felt the urge to wake up early one morning, leave the lights off, pick up my notebook and write whatever came to me on the page. So I did. One of the things I wrote? "I'm going to send you an angel to inspire you." Cool, I thought.

Fast-forward to this week.

It's Monday night, or early Tuesday morning, one of the two. I'm at my computer, working on the webpage for The Baseball. The phone rings. I look at it -- it's my cell phone, which is in the bedroom. I pick it up. My wife's on the other line.

"Are you okay?" she asks. What this means is, you're up really late, at the computer, online.

Back-up. To fully understand this, I must disclose why I go to Celebrate Recovery. One of my character flaws is lust, specifically through the internet. That's right. Porn. It has been a battle that I have fought, and I take no prisoners with by fighting to be brutally honest with my brothers and sisters, and my wife. Fortunately, I have a wife that understands what I battle, and fights with me. She doesn't fight for me, but she is my spouse, my "life-partner", as some say. She fights alongside me, and I fight alongside her when she struggles with her things.

So, I realize, oh, it is really late, I am kind of in the danger zone, but, odd, not really feeling tempted at all. In fact, the thought is kind of repulsive. So I reply, "Yes, I think so."

Her voice wavers as she says, "I had a weird dream. I dreamt a demon was standing over you while you were at the computer."

Of course, that sends chills down my spine. You gotta know, when my wife dreams something like that, it's real. We've experienced it first-hand, as we've driven out demons from our house before, and one of them, the demon of pornography, is a vile creature that Rachel described as a skeleton with a bony finger that points at you. He was at every spot I've looked at porn or masturbated, constantly pointing at me. Together, we asked Jesus to drive him out.

So I was perturbed when my wife dreams of this. But when she describes him, it's not a skeleton. Not that I think spiritual beings retain the same shape, I think emotions change what a spirit looks or feels like, just as our emotions change the way we see things. But demons are one dimensional -- they are the ultimate depression. They can't ever be anything other than what they are called. Just like, when you don't have Christ, you are what you struggle with. Thank Christ that I don't have that problem -- I am NOT what I struggle with because of Him.

Rachel described him as a lengthy, seven foot tall, plain looking, creepy and intense being. (Later she told me he also had large wings, but they were folded behind him, and his arms were crossed as he stared intently at me.) I put my guard up, said a couple of loud prayers in case it was a demon, but felt pushed to keep working. It wasn't a guilt or an addictive thing, it was, "I want to do this." I honestly wanted to finish The Baseball's page, because it was one step closer to my goals, goals that I think are what God wants me to do. My creativity was at an all time high, and porn was the furthest thing from my mind.

I hit the sack at the evil hour of 4 a.m., having finished (at least for now) The Baseball's page. Ugh. Three hours later, I was up again, going to work.

Last night, I was at the computer again, this time writing the aforementioned music. As I was looking at my shadow on the curtains, I saw what I thought was the shadow of another behind me moving. Then, I had one of those moments where I blinked and went, "Wait, my physical eyes didn't see that." Chills. Again, I rebuked any demon that might be there and called on God to protect me. And again, the inspiration flowed. The piece I created was incredibly eerie, describing...well, I'm not ready to talk about Chains of Freedom's plot line. Not just yet. ;)

I played it for my wife tonight, and she started getting extremely uncomfortable. She looked at me with watering eyes and said, "This is really creepy." She was getting the same feeling that she got when she saw the being standing over me. It was at that moment that I remembered, God had said He was going to send an angel to inspire me. And somehow, I think that angel is "in" that musical piece.

Praying about it, I feel that this angel is assigned to me for a while, and wonder if he isn't permanently assigned to this film. Going back to what I said a minute ago, I think that angel looked or felt intense and disturbed because that's what he was feeling. Entirely spiritual beings, I believe, aren't bound by physical dimensions. They look as they feel. Think about it. You, a human being, are both spirit and flesh. Your flesh keeps you in one shape (that slowly changes, still), but depending on how you think, how you feel, it can affect how you see, what you see, and sometimes, yeah, it can even change your appearance.

I don't seek for Him to bless my projects. I ask to bless His. And I pray that's what's happening. My prayer is that God would literally invest His Spirit, His Forces, into this film. There's legend that a picture captures both the seen and the unseen. If that is ever to be true, I pray Chains of Freedom captures the unseen here.

All that to say, I think there's an angel hanging out at my house. And I welcome any of God's army to abide with me. I pray I can be of service to the Kingdom of Light.

- Brandon

Aslan Fierce

So, I'm developing a new motto for myself. Aslan Fierce. One of the character defects I have is not having a healthy balance of respect for myself and respect for others. I'm one of those co-dependent types, so my respect for others is generally far greater than my respect for myself. And as I've already experienced in the world of making films, this can lead to trouble.

Because one of the biggest challenges working in film can be dealing with people that have a rather strong head about things and, sometimes, elevate themselves to a position that can seek to overpower my guiding as director. And my problem is I'm far too willing to bend to make sure there are no fights. It's not that I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I'm afraid of hurting people.

So afraid, in fact, that sometimes -- nah, most of the time -- I don't say what I think, I cushion my comments to make the other person feel "special". Well, by disrespecting myself and watering down how I really feel, I'm also disrespecting them, by patronizing them and thinking of them as weak and unable to handle my thoughts.

Now, this shouldn't be confused with being a blowhard dork who blasts the trumpet every chance he/she gets -- in fact, many times, those are the kinds of people I find myself bending over for.

But what is the root of my fear of hurting people? I've discovered, over the last several months of self-contemplation as I've been praying and thinking about this, that it's a fear of having to deal with making amends. I hate making amends. Hate hate hate it. I hate the drama, I hate the tears, I hate it all. The great irony is that I've been going to Celebrate Recovery for several years now and have been trying to practice all of the principles and the twelve steps, including amends when possible.

But I hate it. So, I've discovered recently that, rather than risk making amends, I just shut my mouth. Ha ha ha. That's taking us back to step one, eh? Coming out of denial?

How is it helpful to anyone, anyone, if I don't communicate when someone is overstepping their boundaries? Now, I'm not talking about getting vocal about every little time somebody bugs me. But if somebody keeps doing something that keeps bugging me, there comes a point where I have to stop and say, "Listen, dude/dudette, this really bugs me, and hear's why. Stop it." And if they don't? Well, that's where grace comes in, somehow blended with continued reminders.

So, when I talk about "Aslan Ferocity", I'm not talking about yelling. Sometimes a good roar is needed, but more often than not, a quiet, firm tone will suffice. And I'm good at the quiet tone -- I'm naturally not one to impose myself on someone else. I'm a team player, I enjoy working under others, with others -- it's the working over others, in fact, that I have the hardest time with, for this very reason.

So, if you know me, work with me, are related to me, or (most relevant to this blog) have any desire to work with me on a film, know that I'm finding that balance. Sometimes you have to overcompensate when you're naturally quiet, but I'll find that rhythm.

The future of "Chains of Freedom", my next feature film, depends on me finding it. I'm not giving away authority I shouldn't, am not bending over to save face, and am not tolerating repeated amounts of crap that personally disrespect me any longer. And if my compensation process offends you, I do care. Tell me, and we'll work it out. We'll make amends.

Roar.

Seeing without eyes

So, I really liked the first Matrix film. Like, a lot. Then I saw the sequels, and, well, let's just say the magic died. But, despite the tragedy that is the two films after the groundbreaking original, the last film has a scene in it that I was thinking about this morning.



What made me think of this scene this morning was kind of an odd experience. I was on the toilet, tired, and looking around at my surroundings like I often do -- not paranoid, just observant, always listening. I closed my eyes, yet I could still see everything, as if my eyes were open. Then I opened them and that was that. A weird little moment.

It got me thinking. If I stop and look at my life, I realize the times that God is doing the most is when all of the natural is blinded. Natural sight is not bad, of course. In fact, it's kind of a good thing. But I know that I can't lean on anything but God. I can't depend on my eyes, I can't depend on my mind, I can't depend on my feelings. All these things are indicators of where I am, not where I should go.

When I need to see what's in front of me, what it is that I need to do, I need to close my eyes, not in "blind faith", but rather, I need to realize that my perspective is not the all seeing, all knowing point of view. And the One who has that perspective will guide me, is guiding me, always. I just need to listen, and, when distracting facades try to hide what really is going on, I need to cut off their access to my spirit by closing my eyes and depending on His eyes.

That's how I approach filmmaking. That's how I tell stories. It doesn't always make the most sense, even to me, but I get the most out of it when I leave room for God to shake things up, because He sees something I don't.

My Next Big Project

January of '09 will mark the start of my adventure in writing my next feature film, "Chains of Freedom". In addition to my sure to be random posts and thoughts, I'll be sharing my experience (within reason, obviously, as I don't want no thievin' of my intellectual propert-ay...ahem), and my goal is that I'll still be updating this as the production itself starts. In addition to that, I've got a few smaller coals in the fire this year, and I'll be sharing about those as well.

So, there you have it.