A Test

The phone rang, so I picked it up.

It was my friend Zach, who works at a local camera store and had someone looking for a Canon XH-A1, who was willing to spend $4k. I had wanted to sell my XH-A1 for $4k, and Zach was holding my information for anyone that happened to pop by in search of one.

He asked me what I wanted to do. If you've read my previous two blog posts, you know that God took me on a journey, from being willing to give the money I made from the sale to the church, to flat out giving the church my camera. But I hadn't made the trip to the church to hand it off just yet, as it was Thanksgiving week.

I thought for a second. Should I sell and give the money to the church? I remembered what Doug said, "If you sell your camera, the church will have to replace your camera anyway." (Due to the fact that I use my own gear for the church as well.) So that wouldn't work.

Then the thought hit. $4,000 is $1,000 off from having enough money to buy the body of a Canon 1DmkIV.

Boom. That was it. It was a test.

"No, Zach," I said, "I'm gonna give my camera to the church."

He understood and let me go.

I sat down, picked up my Bible (as I was in the middle of studying The Gospel of John), and I felt God stop me and say, "You just turned down a near certain $4,000, son."

"I know, I did it willingly," I replied aloud.

I could sense the distant sting of regret, but I was so removed from my flesh in that moment, I could barely feel it.

"I trust You, God, to give me more than I've asked for. I don't have to make this happen," I said in my heart. "Though," I followed up, "I really do want a Canon 1DmkIV."

I'm pretty sure I heard a chuckle and felt a pat on the shoulder at that point.

And that was it.

Loaves and Fish Part II

This is a sequel of sorts to my last entry, "Loaves and Fish" -- so much so that I came up with terribly inspired title, "Loaves and Fish Part II".

November 22nd was an early morning for me. The Vineyard Boise, the part of the body of Christ I call home, was celebrating its 20th anniversary. As the Director of Media Production, my biggest responsibility is Sunday, mixing videos and camera angles, and recording the services for web and DVD distribution.

The aforementioned camera that I currently own finds itself regularly employed in my use as a third camera angle on Sundays, and this Sunday would be no different. I walked up to the station's tripod, took out my camera, locked it on, and hooked it up to the coax feed running through the floor of the sanctuary back to the mixer.

I recall God making some kind of joke, at least it seemed like Him, but for the life of me I can't remember it. Probably not important to this story, but I just remember that He said something funny, and made me chuckle a little.

I made my way back to the production booth, and got everything up and running. A thought struck me, and I looked back to this camera in the corner, currently mine, but not for long. Call me pathetic, but I get attached to my gear, not in a matter of identity, but the fondness one develops for his favorite tool. It's almost a friendship.

Then a thought hit me, "You could just give your camera to the church, instead of selling it and giving the money from the sale to the church. Then, you know where your camera is, what it's being used for...and you won't have to deal with eBay. You'd probably get more of a tax credit than what you could sell it for, anyway."

That last line caused me to halt. Was that God? Or my rationale? Was my flesh trying to do something to spoil my gift? After all, the whole point of this was to help with the church's mortgage.

I approached my friend and fellow worker Doug, who had offered to help me with eBay if I needed him. Point blank, I told him the thoughts that had crossed my mind, and what I was originally considering, and asked him, "Is this the same thing as that?"

He looked at me and replied, "If you sell your camera, we have to buy a replacement camera."

Hm. Hadn't thought about that. Because the church had become so dependent on my personal gear (not a new thing -- I often fill the gap with my own stuff), if I were to sell my gear, it could potentially actually cost the church, because while they'd have maybe $2,000 or so to put towards the mortgage, they'd have to spend $3,000 or more to replace my camera.

It was at about that point that I found myself looking up at the heavens (well, actually the ceiling) and wagging my finger at God, saying aloud, "I see what you did, there."

So, this week or next (depending on how this week looks, because I have the week off), I'll be dropping by the office and giving the church my gear, getting a receipt of donation, and waiting six months to see what God does through tax returns or other means.

In the interim, I've already had one friend just today offer to give me, for free, a very nice lighting kit with some awesome accessories. I haven't even given Jesus my loaves and fish yet and He's already bringing the new gear in!

I'm excited to see what's next. And it's very fitting that this is Thanksgiving week.

Loaves and Fish

If you've been following me on Twitter and/or Facebook, you've seen the recent flurry of posts about cameras and the new exciting (and relatively cheap -- well, in the context of video) technologies that are emerging. You've seen that I've been quite talkative about wanting to sell gear to get my hands on it.

Back to that in a minute.

This Sunday, on a campus that services a part of the body of Christ (Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Boise), four of my Pastors (one of them being my pop, Pastor Mike Freeman), held a panel discussion as we closed the book of Philippians. They proposed that our part of the church (the whole body of Christ -- I'm making a point NOT to identify individual pieces of the body as the church, due to personal development and consideration; it is, rather, a part of the church, of which all Christians are a part of, like it or not...but I digress) take what they called a "Philippians fast", based on Paul's words to the Philippian church, which is illustrated by the diagram below:

FAST/FEAST

Self-ambition/Service

Anxiety/Asking God

Coveting/Contentment

The point of this fast is to truly embrace the Christian life, as Paul described and lived it, as Christ Himself lived it. More specifically, our Pastors asked us to be praying for the future of this part of the body of Christ as we cross a major threshold, entering 20 years of existance and looking forward to the next 20 years. Those who attend the Vineyard and participate in it are being asked to seek God's guidance, to focus on the Philippian's fast this week, and to physically fast on Thursday while praying, and then give what we hear from God to our leaders (honestly, not simply taking it as a chance to tell them off), truly showing that it is God who is leading us, not somebody's grand idea.

Anyway.

What does one thing have to do with the other?

As I've been striving to concoct a way to afford a new camera, one that accomplishes what I currently cannot, I've been preparing to sell my current gear on eBay. In the midst of my struggles and human nature, I felt God strike me today (as a friend would strike another's shoulder; not violently, but firmly and lovingly) and challenge me to continue on my course of action, but to give what I make from the sale to God in the form of dedicating my money specifically to Vineyard Boise's remaining mortgage on the property.

Of course, my first thought was, "Well, God, would it not be more effective to at least dedicate the money to my own debt?"

His reply, "Trust me to take care of you."

"But, God," I said, "I want this camera gear."

"Trust me to take care of you."

"Okay, Lord," I said, "but understand that I'm taking that to mean you are going to take care of our debt and provide the gear that I need. I mean, if I have nothing, I can't even do side jobs, really."

"Trust me to take care of you."

And since then, I've been at peace with it. I firmly believe that I'm going to see God do something incredible. It feels just "wrong" enough that it could be right.

I know what many would say; I can already hear the voices. But isn't it about time I actually just do what God's telling me to do?

God challenged me with it this way: when I really want something, I might seek the counsel of others, but I'm pretty stuck to what it is I want. Yet, when I am looking for a way out, the slightest hint of doubt from anyone is all I need to back off and go back to the status quo.

I'm reminded of when I felt God speak to me, several months ago, to pray for a woman's sight to be restored to her, but it didn't feel safe, because we weren't in service, I had no "support team" of fellow believers around me, and what if I had heard wrong?

I already felt myself reasoning on the drive home today -- "Well, maybe I'll wait a bit and see..."

See what? See if I can negotiate? See if I can figure out a way to get what I want now?

And then the question: What do I want, anyway? A camera? That falls apart, that burns, that ceases to be? A tool, a means to an end? Is God not big enough to give me what I need, when I need it? Is He not gracious enough to go far beyond that?

So, I went to bhphotovideo.com, and I created a "wishlist". Set it to private. Put all the things in there I think I need, not holding back. It totaled to more than I could hope to make from the sale anyway. Not unreasonable (again, by video standards) -- actually, still, for anyone with a good income, it's simply a good investment, but for me, it might as well be a million dollars. I'm sharing the list with no one.

I wrote in the comments section of the list, "God, this is just between you and me. This is what I'm asking YOU to provide. I think this is what will work. Your will, not mine." I firmly believe, obviously, if God's omnipresent, if I can see it, He can.

So there's a digital wishlist hidden somewhere within bhphotovideo's server that is basically the altar upon which a sacrifice is sitting. I'm sacrificing my ability to get it. I'm giving up schemes and ideas, hopes and wishes, because if it isn't all about Him, what good's a camera? If I'm not making films for Him, what good's a camera? If I'm not surrendering all I am to Him, what good's a camera?

I will be getting a friend of mine to help me sell my camera gear on eBay, hopefully by the end of the week. I'm writing this here to hold me accountable. I'm also writing this as a testament, because I believe that God is going to take my loaves and fish and do something crazy with it.

After all, if everyone was fed when Jesus multiplied that boy's offering...then the boy was fed, too. So much so that twelve baskets of leftovers were left when five thousand people were finished.

It's out of my want, that my gifts go the farthest. Not that anything I do is truly that important, but for some reason, God takes a shine to the poor man who gives away the one nice thing he has for something bigger than himself. The widow who gives her last two pennies gives more than the rich man who tithes a million ever will.

I believe God has physical prosperity in store for me, but for what He wants me to do with it, not for me to desire it. Perhaps this is part of that process, to kill any part of me that is attached to any physical thing. So that I may be, as Paul, content in plenty or in want.

With a camera, or without one.

With a dream, or without it.

Because, if it doesn't come from Him, what good is it anyway?

One final thing I want to speak to, as many have been burned by what is called the "prosperity doctrine", which is a twisted, humanized version of what God has for us, I believe.

I believe there is nothing wrong with giving with the expectation of receiving back beyond what I gave, and even expecting it in physical form. That's not the love of money. The love of money is holding and hoarding. If I give, and receive greater, then I give again, and on and on.

It's called "getting to give". I believe God has called me to give a lot to the people in this world. But if I don't have the ability to give, then even what I have will be taken away, and I will have buried my talents in the dirt in disbelief.

I'll update you all when I've got my gear on eBay, when I get the money, and when it's given to the part of the body of Christ known as Vineyard Boise.