For a long time, I tried to balance three different "jobs" so to speak. One was working in the ministry, utilizing my media skills for my part of the Church, the next was making the films God had personally put on my heart to make, and the last was weddings, commercials, and all other kinds of side jobs to help make ends meet, since the first two "jobs" don't pay a lot.
I came to a point of utter collapse and emotional exhaustion, as I was (and am) also a husband, a father, and a son of the King, by the grace of Jesus Christ. The short of it was, my life was not about the relationships I was created for; it was about the tools, the projects, and the income to keep us afloat. It was almost a physical pain for me to actually take time for people and not "work". It took a discipline that wore me down to focus on the people in the moment, and not on what the next thing was that I needed to do.
Constantly, I'd find myself in survival mode: running as fast as I could from "distractions" to my "works", and loathing the times when I couldn't run. I had many almost literal fist to face encounters with God as I wrestled with Him constantly. I knew something about the way I was living my life wasn't pleasing to Him, but I wasn't completely trusting.
I fought when I thought He was threatening to take away my passions, I even bared my teeth when He'd remove me from projects that I envisioned. (By the grace of God, I still stand!) Mind you, this was all (mostly) internalized. The only people who really saw me battle this were my wife and daughter, and usually they'd only hear it as I'd close a door and start yelling violently.
I wouldn't even know why I was yelling, or what was so upsetting to me. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to be with my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my fellow believers. I wanted a simpler life, a life where relationship reigned, and tasks were merely a method to which new relationships could be formed.
But I feared two things, primarily. If I surrendered my passion for filmmaking to God, He wouldn't give it back. And if I trusted Him to provide and not stress over side jobs and finding supplemental income...would He really provide?
God met me with a challenge to trust Him, and I accepted. I surrendered my need for supplemental income, and my desire to make films. He came back to me with this word: "Give your talents to your friends, family, and those needing them, and I will move them to give to you when you need it." The worker earns his wages, for sure, but I had become so focused on the wages and obsessing over it, that I'd lost the ability to just work with others in community. It was always "the next thing".
God rendered me down, and as I took steps of faith and moved past my need for control, I've started to see how to properly function in relationship. See, the ironic thing is, I don't stop working; in fact, sometimes, I work more now. I look for opportunities to intentionally work for and with others without any promise of pay. I have grown a desire to bless others with the tool sets that I have been given.
Why? Is it because I'm sick in the head still? Probably, but I don't think so. When I'm able to come alongside someone and just bless them, just make a video for them, whether it be for a friend who owns a business, or an organization that I believe in, or a pal who works at a news station, and it's just about the people working together to make something happen...it's beautiful. As I've moved in that direction, God has provided financially! It just happens! People give as they feel led to give, I give as I feel led to give, and I don't have to stress over the details.
This also gives me the incredible power to say "no". Because if I don't have to worry about my income, and a project comes along, and I just don't think it fits me, or God's got another schedule for me, or whatever, I don't feel a pressure to accept anyway for the income.
"You're on my payroll, kid." That's what I heard Him say several months ago. I do the things that He has for me, and He'll provide the things He has for me.
And you know what all those "things" are? Is it money? No. Is it tools? No. It's people. It's friends, family, coworkers and fellow artists. It's a collective celebration of giving as I live in and grow in a community that is led by the Spirit and receives, and gives, receives, and gives... to infinity (and beyond!).
So what's the point of all this? What's this ramble about? Simply this. I don't care if what I does "makes me money". I care that I'm blessing the people in my life.
I'm on God's payroll. He's got me. I can trust Him. He might not provide all the flashy cool toys that I want, but He'll give me what I really want. Friends, family, and most importantly... Him.
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