Thursday, May 27, 2010

Am I insane?

I'm realizing more and more that I absolutely have a negative reaction to popular opinion, of any form. Put me in a room with conservative politic types, and my mind starts pulling from the liberal sides of my brain. Put me in another room with liberal types, and the inverse happens. The same goes for organized/unorganized church debates, or physical film vs. digital media conflicts, or Star Trek vs. Star Wars nerdfights.

It seems that no matter what, I am destined to find a problem with almost any point of view that is so grounded in one's own perspectives or opinions or likes or dislikes.

And I'm not even going to mention all the debates and arguments I have within my own head. ... Oh, okay, looks like I am going to, actually.

There's the side that loves grace, the side that craves justice, the side that begs for mercy, and the side that wants to see the bad guy get his.

I want to see the poor raised up, but I don't want to see the rich torn down. I want to see gender and racial equality, but I don't think that diversity should be a requirement in gatherings/performances/the workplace/etc. Yet, at the same time, it annoys me that all leading roles in big Hollywood films generally are the same five or six white male faces. Yet, I don't think that should change just because it annoys me. I think organized church serves a purpose (i.e. NOT evil, DOESN'T need to be wiped out), but I don't think that's the only place Jesus lives (i.e. you don't NEED to be in a BUILDING on SUNDAY).

Do you see? Do you see how much trouble I could get in if I was a bit more vocal, how much trouble I do get in with myself?

Sigh... If I were a Batman villain, I'd be Two-Face.

Fact is, I think God put this thing inside of me to keep me on my feet. The aggravating thing is it really slows me down. I don't want to think about everything, I just do.

There are few times in life when I'm sitting, listening to someone sharing their opinions, and I don't both agree and disagree with the same intensity, simultaneously. And then I start fighting with myself about which side is going to participate in the discussion, and then I lose my place, and then I just end up saying, "Yeah..."

And this is all within the "being redeemed" aspect of myself, the part that is growing in Christ, alive and well. The dying man in the flesh has his two or five pieces as well. I try to just ignore him entirely.

Where do I find peace from all this madness of thought, counter thought, balance, counter balance, argument, counter argument? Am I insane?

Well, I guess it comes down to me realizing that I don't need to agree with all of someone's thoughts, or even agree with all of my own... I just need to love, to speak in love (which is not always soft and mushy), and to learn to follow God's direction more and more.

I just wish I didn't always feel so alone because of my very internal and simultaneously polarized sensibilities...


Anonymous said...

You feel this way because life is inherently complicated.

Most of what you're talking about, they aren't opposites. That's why you're stuck in the middle. Because the ideas themselves do not exist on opposite ends of a spectrum.

Take Mercy Versus Justice for a second. That's a false choice.

See, if Mercy = Permissiveness and Justice = Rigidity, or if Mercy = No Consequences and Justice = Aggressive Punishment, that would be one thing.
But that's simply not whose those ideas are.

Mercy is not only not the opposite of Justice, the two must work hand in hand.

If Justice took a second to listen to Mercy, we wouldn't perpetuate the ineffective and disgusting practice of execution in this country.

I'm struggling, actually, to find a reverse example. But that's because of my personal belief that justice has its roots in mercy to begin with...

Anyhow, the larger point stands.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I agree and disagree with just about anything said and it makes it rather interesting. Trying to sound like I'm not just being argumentative, but not wanting to imply I agree wholeheartedly. The things I fully agree or disagree with are few. Balance is the key to everything, and it is my favorite word.

Anonymous said...

This is Josh Raby, by the way (comment 1).