Well, thanks to generous friends and tax returns, I've been blessed to own a Canon 7D for about three weeks, now. I've been playing with it and getting used to the workflow. Here are some things I've shot with it so far.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
True to oneself?
One of the topics I've seen more and more from various arcs within my circle of friends is this issue of being who you are, being true to yourself, etc. Those kind of mantras. I wanted to share my perspective on that.
Whether you believe that we were born into sin, or born into a sinful world and became corrupted, the Word makes it clear that all have fallen short of the glory of God. I need Christ's provision, or I'm incomplete. I'm fallen. I'm broken. I'm not what He made me to be. Now, if you're not a Christian, if you don't subscribe to that faith, then it's fairly easy to disagree with that idea. However, what perplexes me are the Christians who seem to disagree with the Word itself in that regard.
I'm going to talk about myself, and bare something to you that you may or may not know. In my flesh, if I were to be true to the natural desires of my heart, I would be surfing the internet for pornography every night. I would be less inclined to worry about fidelity in my marriage, and probably wouldn't have taken any precautions to ensure that I didn't cheat on my wife. In my flesh, I'm a sex addict. It's a constant act of surrendering that to the Holy Spirit. It's a constant choice to delve into the Word to overcome it.
That's my battle. That's my choice. And more importantly, without Christ, that's who I am. That's my nature.
If I were to be "true to myself" (that is, the natural drives of my physical heart) right now, that's what I would be doing at this moment, instead of posting this blog. And I'd probably be separated, divorced, or somewhere in the middle.
I personally cannot accept being "true to oneself" as any kind of a Christian principle.
Now, look what I just did in the previous paragraphs. I'm not allowing myself to be true to my heart (that is, the sinful, wicked, and thanks to the provision of Christ, dying side of me), but I am being true about myself. I just told you what I am in my flesh.
But I refuse to let that be the truth that shapes me. You see, I have a choice. I can accept that the way my mind works, the sexual appetites of my flesh, and the perverted thoughts that attempt to take me down are my truth, or I can turn to the Truth of the One who created me, and desires something different.
First, there comes an issue of pride, for me at least. You see, aside from the Holy Spirit, the Word, and the prompting of others connected to the Holy Spirit, there's a dying part of me that doesn't necessarily see any harm in lusting after other women. And I have a choice to make. Do I accept that dying part of myself back into the fold, or do I continue to expose him to the Lord, to the people I trust, and, in this case, to the whole damn world?
If we can't be honest about ourselves, we, even as Christians, do end up becoming true to our old selves. At least, that's how I am. I don't know, maybe you're different.
My flawed nature rails against God's original decree that my eyes stay on one woman; that a man and a woman are to be inseparably connected, the two becoming one flesh. My fallen self rails against one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.
In other words, my dying flesh's personal truth (small "t") directly butts its head against the bearer of Truth (big "T"). You want to hear a really sick thing? When that's happened, I've been tempted to re-invent what God says in His Word to "soften the blow", so to speak. Not only am I tempted to become "true to myself", but am tempted to twist the Truth into fitting me.
Here's the punchline. The Truth doesn't fit me, and I don't fit it. I require the One Who Fits Truth to make provision for me. It's His grace, it's His mercy, it's His love. Love, love, love.
But what does He say? What is His command? Is it "be true to yourself, Brandon"? When the woman caught in adultery was forgiven her sins and spared judgment, is that what Jesus said to the woman? No. "Go, and sin no more."
He makes provision. But then He has a command. Because I've been given grace. Grace is a great power. It's freeing, it's liberating, it's empowering.
If you're a Spidey fan, you know what I'm gonna say next.
With great power, comes great responsibility.
I can't change myself, and I've been done trying for a long, long time. But you know what else I'm not gonna change for myself? The Truth.
The Truth is, lust is a sin. Sexual fantasies of other women is as evil as adultery, per the words of Christ. Adultery is sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is not part of God's plan. God created one man for one woman.
That's the Truth. So while I can't change myself, I have a responsibility to stay in His presence and accept His prodding, through people, through the Word, and through His Spirit, to be obedient, even when it doesn't feel like I'm being true to who I am (that is, the deceitful flesh that wants what it wants, takes what it can take, and lies to get it).
You know who wants me to be true to myself? The lion that seeks to destroy me. He wants me to stay where I've been, to return to my past vomit, so that he can tear me apart with guilt, shame, and loneliness again, and again, and again.
I'll be true about myself, so that I won't have keep being true to myself. Instead... let me be true to what Christ has in store for me.
Whether you believe that we were born into sin, or born into a sinful world and became corrupted, the Word makes it clear that all have fallen short of the glory of God. I need Christ's provision, or I'm incomplete. I'm fallen. I'm broken. I'm not what He made me to be. Now, if you're not a Christian, if you don't subscribe to that faith, then it's fairly easy to disagree with that idea. However, what perplexes me are the Christians who seem to disagree with the Word itself in that regard.
I'm going to talk about myself, and bare something to you that you may or may not know. In my flesh, if I were to be true to the natural desires of my heart, I would be surfing the internet for pornography every night. I would be less inclined to worry about fidelity in my marriage, and probably wouldn't have taken any precautions to ensure that I didn't cheat on my wife. In my flesh, I'm a sex addict. It's a constant act of surrendering that to the Holy Spirit. It's a constant choice to delve into the Word to overcome it.
That's my battle. That's my choice. And more importantly, without Christ, that's who I am. That's my nature.
If I were to be "true to myself" (that is, the natural drives of my physical heart) right now, that's what I would be doing at this moment, instead of posting this blog. And I'd probably be separated, divorced, or somewhere in the middle.
I personally cannot accept being "true to oneself" as any kind of a Christian principle.
Now, look what I just did in the previous paragraphs. I'm not allowing myself to be true to my heart (that is, the sinful, wicked, and thanks to the provision of Christ, dying side of me), but I am being true about myself. I just told you what I am in my flesh.
But I refuse to let that be the truth that shapes me. You see, I have a choice. I can accept that the way my mind works, the sexual appetites of my flesh, and the perverted thoughts that attempt to take me down are my truth, or I can turn to the Truth of the One who created me, and desires something different.
First, there comes an issue of pride, for me at least. You see, aside from the Holy Spirit, the Word, and the prompting of others connected to the Holy Spirit, there's a dying part of me that doesn't necessarily see any harm in lusting after other women. And I have a choice to make. Do I accept that dying part of myself back into the fold, or do I continue to expose him to the Lord, to the people I trust, and, in this case, to the whole damn world?
If we can't be honest about ourselves, we, even as Christians, do end up becoming true to our old selves. At least, that's how I am. I don't know, maybe you're different.
My flawed nature rails against God's original decree that my eyes stay on one woman; that a man and a woman are to be inseparably connected, the two becoming one flesh. My fallen self rails against one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.
In other words, my dying flesh's personal truth (small "t") directly butts its head against the bearer of Truth (big "T"). You want to hear a really sick thing? When that's happened, I've been tempted to re-invent what God says in His Word to "soften the blow", so to speak. Not only am I tempted to become "true to myself", but am tempted to twist the Truth into fitting me.
Here's the punchline. The Truth doesn't fit me, and I don't fit it. I require the One Who Fits Truth to make provision for me. It's His grace, it's His mercy, it's His love. Love, love, love.
But what does He say? What is His command? Is it "be true to yourself, Brandon"? When the woman caught in adultery was forgiven her sins and spared judgment, is that what Jesus said to the woman? No. "Go, and sin no more."
He makes provision. But then He has a command. Because I've been given grace. Grace is a great power. It's freeing, it's liberating, it's empowering.
If you're a Spidey fan, you know what I'm gonna say next.
With great power, comes great responsibility.
I can't change myself, and I've been done trying for a long, long time. But you know what else I'm not gonna change for myself? The Truth.
The Truth is, lust is a sin. Sexual fantasies of other women is as evil as adultery, per the words of Christ. Adultery is sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is not part of God's plan. God created one man for one woman.
That's the Truth. So while I can't change myself, I have a responsibility to stay in His presence and accept His prodding, through people, through the Word, and through His Spirit, to be obedient, even when it doesn't feel like I'm being true to who I am (that is, the deceitful flesh that wants what it wants, takes what it can take, and lies to get it).
You know who wants me to be true to myself? The lion that seeks to destroy me. He wants me to stay where I've been, to return to my past vomit, so that he can tear me apart with guilt, shame, and loneliness again, and again, and again.
I'll be true about myself, so that I won't have keep being true to myself. Instead... let me be true to what Christ has in store for me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Rendering it down
For a long time, I tried to balance three different "jobs" so to speak. One was working in the ministry, utilizing my media skills for my part of the Church, the next was making the films God had personally put on my heart to make, and the last was weddings, commercials, and all other kinds of side jobs to help make ends meet, since the first two "jobs" don't pay a lot.
I came to a point of utter collapse and emotional exhaustion, as I was (and am) also a husband, a father, and a son of the King, by the grace of Jesus Christ. The short of it was, my life was not about the relationships I was created for; it was about the tools, the projects, and the income to keep us afloat. It was almost a physical pain for me to actually take time for people and not "work". It took a discipline that wore me down to focus on the people in the moment, and not on what the next thing was that I needed to do.
Constantly, I'd find myself in survival mode: running as fast as I could from "distractions" to my "works", and loathing the times when I couldn't run. I had many almost literal fist to face encounters with God as I wrestled with Him constantly. I knew something about the way I was living my life wasn't pleasing to Him, but I wasn't completely trusting.
I fought when I thought He was threatening to take away my passions, I even bared my teeth when He'd remove me from projects that I envisioned. (By the grace of God, I still stand!) Mind you, this was all (mostly) internalized. The only people who really saw me battle this were my wife and daughter, and usually they'd only hear it as I'd close a door and start yelling violently.
I wouldn't even know why I was yelling, or what was so upsetting to me. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to be with my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my fellow believers. I wanted a simpler life, a life where relationship reigned, and tasks were merely a method to which new relationships could be formed.
But I feared two things, primarily. If I surrendered my passion for filmmaking to God, He wouldn't give it back. And if I trusted Him to provide and not stress over side jobs and finding supplemental income...would He really provide?
God met me with a challenge to trust Him, and I accepted. I surrendered my need for supplemental income, and my desire to make films. He came back to me with this word: "Give your talents to your friends, family, and those needing them, and I will move them to give to you when you need it." The worker earns his wages, for sure, but I had become so focused on the wages and obsessing over it, that I'd lost the ability to just work with others in community. It was always "the next thing".
God rendered me down, and as I took steps of faith and moved past my need for control, I've started to see how to properly function in relationship. See, the ironic thing is, I don't stop working; in fact, sometimes, I work more now. I look for opportunities to intentionally work for and with others without any promise of pay. I have grown a desire to bless others with the tool sets that I have been given.
Why? Is it because I'm sick in the head still? Probably, but I don't think so. When I'm able to come alongside someone and just bless them, just make a video for them, whether it be for a friend who owns a business, or an organization that I believe in, or a pal who works at a news station, and it's just about the people working together to make something happen...it's beautiful. As I've moved in that direction, God has provided financially! It just happens! People give as they feel led to give, I give as I feel led to give, and I don't have to stress over the details.
This also gives me the incredible power to say "no". Because if I don't have to worry about my income, and a project comes along, and I just don't think it fits me, or God's got another schedule for me, or whatever, I don't feel a pressure to accept anyway for the income.
"You're on my payroll, kid." That's what I heard Him say several months ago. I do the things that He has for me, and He'll provide the things He has for me.
And you know what all those "things" are? Is it money? No. Is it tools? No. It's people. It's friends, family, coworkers and fellow artists. It's a collective celebration of giving as I live in and grow in a community that is led by the Spirit and receives, and gives, receives, and gives... to infinity (and beyond!).
So what's the point of all this? What's this ramble about? Simply this. I don't care if what I does "makes me money". I care that I'm blessing the people in my life.
I'm on God's payroll. He's got me. I can trust Him. He might not provide all the flashy cool toys that I want, but He'll give me what I really want. Friends, family, and most importantly... Him.
I came to a point of utter collapse and emotional exhaustion, as I was (and am) also a husband, a father, and a son of the King, by the grace of Jesus Christ. The short of it was, my life was not about the relationships I was created for; it was about the tools, the projects, and the income to keep us afloat. It was almost a physical pain for me to actually take time for people and not "work". It took a discipline that wore me down to focus on the people in the moment, and not on what the next thing was that I needed to do.
Constantly, I'd find myself in survival mode: running as fast as I could from "distractions" to my "works", and loathing the times when I couldn't run. I had many almost literal fist to face encounters with God as I wrestled with Him constantly. I knew something about the way I was living my life wasn't pleasing to Him, but I wasn't completely trusting.
I fought when I thought He was threatening to take away my passions, I even bared my teeth when He'd remove me from projects that I envisioned. (By the grace of God, I still stand!) Mind you, this was all (mostly) internalized. The only people who really saw me battle this were my wife and daughter, and usually they'd only hear it as I'd close a door and start yelling violently.
I wouldn't even know why I was yelling, or what was so upsetting to me. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to be with my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my fellow believers. I wanted a simpler life, a life where relationship reigned, and tasks were merely a method to which new relationships could be formed.
But I feared two things, primarily. If I surrendered my passion for filmmaking to God, He wouldn't give it back. And if I trusted Him to provide and not stress over side jobs and finding supplemental income...would He really provide?
God met me with a challenge to trust Him, and I accepted. I surrendered my need for supplemental income, and my desire to make films. He came back to me with this word: "Give your talents to your friends, family, and those needing them, and I will move them to give to you when you need it." The worker earns his wages, for sure, but I had become so focused on the wages and obsessing over it, that I'd lost the ability to just work with others in community. It was always "the next thing".
God rendered me down, and as I took steps of faith and moved past my need for control, I've started to see how to properly function in relationship. See, the ironic thing is, I don't stop working; in fact, sometimes, I work more now. I look for opportunities to intentionally work for and with others without any promise of pay. I have grown a desire to bless others with the tool sets that I have been given.
Why? Is it because I'm sick in the head still? Probably, but I don't think so. When I'm able to come alongside someone and just bless them, just make a video for them, whether it be for a friend who owns a business, or an organization that I believe in, or a pal who works at a news station, and it's just about the people working together to make something happen...it's beautiful. As I've moved in that direction, God has provided financially! It just happens! People give as they feel led to give, I give as I feel led to give, and I don't have to stress over the details.
This also gives me the incredible power to say "no". Because if I don't have to worry about my income, and a project comes along, and I just don't think it fits me, or God's got another schedule for me, or whatever, I don't feel a pressure to accept anyway for the income.
"You're on my payroll, kid." That's what I heard Him say several months ago. I do the things that He has for me, and He'll provide the things He has for me.
And you know what all those "things" are? Is it money? No. Is it tools? No. It's people. It's friends, family, coworkers and fellow artists. It's a collective celebration of giving as I live in and grow in a community that is led by the Spirit and receives, and gives, receives, and gives... to infinity (and beyond!).
So what's the point of all this? What's this ramble about? Simply this. I don't care if what I does "makes me money". I care that I'm blessing the people in my life.
I'm on God's payroll. He's got me. I can trust Him. He might not provide all the flashy cool toys that I want, but He'll give me what I really want. Friends, family, and most importantly... Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)