Call Me Hall E. Woode

A recent experience with "looping"

2011-11-26T11:26:00.004-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted here! I've been incredibly pre-occupied with another blog for my movie, and haven't given this one near the love it needs (it is, after all, my first and original).

Yesterday I had the unenviable task of looping production audio - where you re-record dialogue in a studio because the audio on the shoot was unusable. Normally when I have to do this chore, it's for an actor or another speaker. But yesterday, it was all me. I had filmed myself outdoors for a new pitch video for my film's fundraising campaign.

(As a side note, I used a very cool app for the iPod Touch that turned it into a teleprompter. It actually worked pretty well, taped right underneath the lens. I have it for the iPad as well -- I'll be for sure using it quite a bit in the future.)

I had a lapel mic underneath my jacket, with some gauze to keep it separated from clothes, but the wind was too much for it. I decided I'd just go with it and loop the sound later. In the editing room, I worked with the scratch audio for the sake of editing. I knew I wouldn't be on screen the whole time, so I'd only have to match those moments; the rest of my dialogue could just be treated like good old fashioned narration.

The experience gave me some fresh insight into the looping process. I noticed for me, personally, that when I would focus on matching my words with the lip movements, I would focus so much on starting at the right time that I'd generally miss the right tone and inflections, and often would have inconsistent speeds that wouldn't match up on the timeline due to me trying to stay consistent with the video.

After about an hour of frustration, I decided to close my eyes and focus on copy-catting my audio, lip syncing be darned. I took it one sentence at a time, playing a line, then stopping the video and immediately repeating, with tone and inflection, what I'd heard. Amazingly, it matched up pretty well, much better than before. I think what did the trick for me was focusing on the content instead of worrying about pace. The pace took care of itself with the mimicry, and I captured the same energy that I had in front of the camera.

Here's how it turned out. Over all, I'm pretty happy with this pitch video, and hope it gets the response we're needing.

If/when we have to loop audio for the film, I'll be experimenting with this method.

Superman...

2011-08-30T23:08:00.003-06:00

This scene is forever embedded into my psyche. I catch myself thinking about it at least once a month.

Something alien becomes the willing sacrifice that saves the very people wanting it killed. And then reassembles with a smile as the credits roll. You can't tell me there's not a little bit of Gospel here.

Repentance, and the law vs. His provision

2011-08-17T08:49:00.005-06:00

This morning I was reading Hebrews, and came across this verse...

For since the law has but a shadow of the good things to come instead of the true form of these realities, it can never, by the same sacrifices that are continually offered every year, make perfect those who draw near.
Hebrews 10:1, ESV

I felt this touched a nerve on something in my journey I've been processing for, well, ever, so I jotted this note down beside the verse...

Neither can games of false repentance and continued sin due to some smug sense of entitlement. True repentance is the only response to the One Sacrifice. True repentance means honestly and forever turning from what we were saved from. True repentance is not for the sake of men or appearances.

I'm an expert in false repentance and smug entitlement, you see. I've struggled with many forms of sin: pornography, lust, anger, egotistical fantasy, but I think for me, it all comes down to looking for a substitute to the old law so I can both feel good about my "faith" and also have a bad attitude about the world when it ticks me off.

My old law sacrifices haven't been with the blood of animals, though. They've been with the wasted time of futile attempts at following the guidelines of others, to appease them, to gain some kind of absolution from them. You see, I still see so much fear of man within me, where the fear of God should be. (And by fear, I don't mean terror. I mean obsession, desire, need, want. I fear for being without that which I fear.)

Mind you, all this is subconscious, and when the Spirit exposes it to me once more, my skin crawls with all the scales of false religiosity that so envelop me. You see, it is the greatest of ironies: my sinful nature attempts to take on the form of my religious beliefs in order to preserve itself. It thinks it can hide from Christ's vengeance by clothing itself with its own version of piety.

As the Apostle Paul, one of my greatest heroes, asks, "Who will deliver me from this body of death?"

Fortunately, both he and I, know the Answer. My prayer is that, as he lived it, so can I. Not for his sake, for I do not fear Paul (while I do admire him greatly). Rather, for the sake of the One we both are forever indebted to.

And I can think of no one better to owe a debt of gratitude.

Lord, let that gratitude bear a greater fruit within me. Let me be truthfully, honestly, grateful. Let me no longer fear what people think, and do not let my perceived success or failure with people fuel or falsely justify my smug sense of entitlement any longer. Let me change, not for people's sake, not for my sake, not even for change's sake... but for Your sake.

I do believe this revelation is a cornerstone, a turning point, a step away from self-imposed doublethink.

True freedom is beautifully simple, and requires no secondary clause.

A Geeky Post About Editing Programs

2011-07-17T20:17:00.002-06:00

So, I've had about a week now to play with CS5.5 (production premium) in the office, and at the same time working with Final Cut Pro X on a side job, my first real project with it after a few weeks of kicking the tires.

I really love the magnetic timeline, but, after learning After Effects (utilizing videocopilot.net), and while not caring for Premiere Pro a whole lot, I really want to use After Effects to finish every project from here on out. Titles, color corrections, etc.

Thus, no XML support is killing me. Final Cut Pro X, sadly, is at this point limited to projects where I don't really need finishing in After Effects. Which basically means testimonial videos and quick funny clips for YouTube (not films or extensive DVD projects like this).

Please, Apple, XML support!!!

Casting call for "Mark of the Veil"

2011-05-20T00:14:00.067-06:00

MARK OF THE VEIL
A film by Brandon Freeman

Synopsis:
Young James Sheridan's frustrated life as his crippled mother's caretaker is shattered by a shadow agency called 'The Veil' that abducts her, throwing James' world upside down as he discovers and exposes a link between the The Veil and a corrupt politician, and finds a much deeper connection between the agency and himself.

Mark of the Veil will be a 100-110 minute film, shot over the course of 20 days; 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) over 4 weeks. It's an intense schedule, but it'll be quite the joyride.

Mark of the Veil is the first in a series of 3 to 4 films, taking the concept of the End Times and doing something a bit controversial with it. (No, this is not Left Behind.)

At this point, I am looking for actors interested in attaching themselves to this project. Before I can set a firm goal towards scheduling, fundraising, and getting this film off the ground, I want to get people in place, both in front and behind the camera. This will allow me to form an accurate schedule, and put faces other than my own on the project as we move forward.

The following is a list of major and minor characters for this production. If you are interested in auditioning, contact information and auditioning instructions are below.

CAST
MAIN CHARACTERS

JAMES
(already cast)

KYLIE
Woman in her early 30's, fiery, of African descent. A political activist and humanitarian.

HARPER
(already cast)
James' cousin; a fighter, a friend, and a former agent of The Veil.

WEBB
(already cast)
One of The Veil's chief field agents; a twisted, evil man with an intimidating and calculating presence.

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

EZRA
Kylie's brother, mid 30's, mellow, cautious - the protective older brother. A web techie. Of African descent.

AVELYN
James' mother, age range 40-50. Though appearing to be crippled, she's actually in good physical condition, with formidable hand to hand combat skills.

BREE
Ezra's on-again-off-again girlfriend. Kylie might be fiery, but this girl's plain crazy. Early 30's. Athletic. Of Asian descent.

GWEN ANDERS
Very attractive, charismatic and ambitious third party gubernatorial candidate with a sharp temper and in league with The Veil because of who she seduced. Late 30's. Webb can't wait to kill her.

MINOR CHARACTERS/BIT PARTS

HOMELESS MAN
A mysterious shell of a man, with a hidden past. Whatever brains he's got left are thoroughly scrambled. He sure loves Jesus, though. Late 50's.

TALIA
A mercenary and former operative for 'The Veil'. Dark hair. Deadly, stunning, bold. Mid 30's.

BIG GUY
Literally a "big guy", he is Harper's closest ally and right hand man. Looks like he could bench press a tank. Heck, he IS a tank. Mid 30's.

LEONARD
A medic for Harper's crew. Not gonna lie, this character is unashamedly modeled (and named) after Dr. McCoy from Star Trek. 40-50. However, this doctor will kill.

INTEL GIRL
Another of Harper's crew, if intel is out there, this girl has it. Early 20's, athletic, but pale -- not enough sun.

TECHIE
Intel Girl's male counterpart, Techie also does not see the sun very often. Late 20's. Capable with a gun.

EMCEE
A former governor with an electric presence who welcomes Gwen Anders to the stage with a flattering introduction at a fundraiser banquet. Late 60's.

ALPHA LEADER
A young hotshot in his 20's, this overachiever hopes to rise the ranks of Webb's officers quickly and become a field agent for The Veil.

SECURITY CHIEF
A nervous man in his 30's, he has failed Webb before, and could lose more than his job if he fails him again.

MERCENARY
An expert in stealth, this operative is the best in the business. Quick on the draw. Athletic, lean. Late 20's. Don't mess with this guy.

JANITOR

This fellow is tasked with keeping Gwen Anders' campaign office clean as a whistle. He's a bit of a snoop, and knows of some of her indiscretions. Not interested in blackmail, just thinks it's funny. Mid 30's.

CASHIER
Out in the middle of nowhere, this fun-loving, easy-going country gas station cashier is kind of clueless. He is most likely a pothead. 20's-30's.

HOSPITAL MANAGER
An upstanding member of society, interviewed by Kylie in one of her webcasts. 40's-60's.

OLD GENERAL
Webb's direct boss, and only friend within The Veil. 60's, male.

POLITICIAN 1
Webb's number one enemy, this guy is the reason Gwen Anders is where she is. Easily played by a pretty face. 50's.

POLITICIAN 2
Every tooth is white, every smile a mask. He's towards the top of the food chain within The Veil. 50's.

GROCERY STORE MANAGER
When Homeless Man comes panhandling and preaching, this guy has the task of getting rid of him. It's the third time this week...

POP SCIENTIST
Guy on tv, has no idea that what he's talking about is real -- he's just trying to make a quick buck with his latest book.

SENILE TALK SHOW HOST
Old guy on tv, interviewing the Pop Scientist. Having a hard time staying awake.

CRAZY PREACHER
Crazy guy on tv, convinced the world is ending in six months.

NARRATOR
The voice of a national newscaster while a story plays on the tv.

LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR
The face of a local newscaster, just giving the news.

If you are interested in giving an audition a whirl, e-mail me. Please include a headshot in your e-mail, as well as a brief description of your acting experience. If there is a particular character that intrigues you, let me know, and I will include that character's scene in the reading along with any others that I think might fit you.

Once you have e-mailed me, we will set up a time to connect, and I will send you a .pdf of your scene(s) (no longer than one page each, no more than three total) to prepare with ahead of time for the audition. Showing up familiar with your scene(s) is highly encouraged.

The auditioning process will be in front of the camera, and will first involve a two minute interview to capture your natural screen presence and personality. Then, we will proceed to the scene(s) selected for you.

From there, a casting committee will give me input and feedback on the various audition clips; I will then make the final call on each role.

Early auditions start next week and are by appointment only. If you'd like to wait for an open auditioning day, I will probably hold one for roles I have trouble finding people for. But don't wait! I'm looking now. If you're interested, e-mail me!

Stay tuned for details on crew positions, props, vehicles, locations and scenes with extras!

How far?

2011-05-02T16:26:00.005-06:00

I was waiting for my chiropractic appointment, when I looked up and saw a picture on the wall. It was a chart asking how far I wanted to take my chiropractic care.

It started at the bottom with, "Relief: I want to feel better for the least amount of my time and money."

Next was, "Correction: I want to stabilize and retrain the muscles and ligaments in my spine."

Then, "Maintenance: I want to preserve the progress I've made."

Followed by, "Prevention: I want to avoid losing my health."

And the last bit on the pyramid, the obvious goal of the chart, "Wellness: I want to be all that I can be."

I'd seen this chart numerous times before, but this time I felt Jesus sit beside me and propose a revision. He started with the question, "How far do you want to take your walk with Me?"

He took me back to the start, "Relief: I want to be saved from destruction."

Second, "Correction: I want to stabilize and retrain the way I live."

Third, "Maintenance: I want to preserve the growth God has given me."

Fourth, "Prevention: I want to avoid losing spiritual health."

And finally, the one that He showed me was really the whole point of the journey, "Wellness: I want to be all He can be within me."

I think often times I'm guilty of getting stuck on one the first four phases (relief, correction, maintenance, prevention) instead of realizing it's all for naught if my motivation is anything less than letting Him have complete control of my life. It's especially easy for me to stick to correction/maintenance, because that's me doing things. But the goal is not about me doing (or not doing) things. The goal is to come into the physician's office and let HIM continue to adjust me.

I'm still getting there. I still have fleshly pride that thinks I know what's best for me. But God has more.

All those steps are important, but we can't pursue recovery for recovery's sake, nor relief simply to be relieved. If we've truly got Christ within us, the motivation is less about being spared, and more about being spent.

At least, that's what I felt He showed me in that moment.

What's in a Name?

2011-04-30T02:18:00.001-06:00

I've never understood the need to label those who disagree/see things differently with terms like "liberal" or "right-wing" (used in a derogative manner), or many of the other colorful terms that float by to describe religious/political/cultural/lifestyle differences that we just can't see eye to eye with. I'm all for disagreeing, and doing so with fervor and passion. Stand for what you believe in, stand against what you don't, absolutely. But I feel it is just too easy to de-humanize the 'other' by giving him/her a derogative name. And, ironically, it's the one thing that very irrationally pisses me off, no matter which side does it. Seriously. Makes my Vulcan neck pinch hand twitch.

I'll never forget...

2011-04-06T22:27:00.000-06:00

Last year, a list of 40 people (a list that I've kept set aside for future gratitude) helped me buy a Canon 7D for a movie that ended up getting put on hold. I just want those friends to know I'm eternally grateful, and I have every intention of inviting each one of you to the premiere screening of whatever movie I finally get off the ground... I haven't forgotten!!

Genuine Complexity

2011-03-28T23:32:00.002-06:00

As I've been chipping away at draft two of my screenplay (draft one uploaded here for public review), I've decided to start scoring an actual working soundtrack to the screenplay itself (instead of just hammering out general themes and playing with them while thinking of the story). My approach has been to record myself reading the screenplay and then place that audio on the timeline as I write music to the pacing of the reading.

The resulting experience has been quite fun, and it's really (re)opened my eyes to the difference between writing music for a movie and the audio editor's job of working the tracks into the film. Especially while writing track 3 (all three have been around 5 minutes long, and I'm only 25 pages in!), I realized that, in my case at least, I wouldn't be writing 2 hours of original music for a 2 hour film... I'll probably be writing an hour of original music and then remixing/duplicating tracks for various little cues throughout the film.

So, having written these three rather large tracks that cover much of the first act of the film, I've decided to skip ahead to act two for track 4. My goal is to have 7-8 tracks total.

Here's track 3, "Genuine Complexity".

Geniune Complexity by Hall E. Woode

Here's your sign!

2011-03-26T13:37:00.002-06:00

Here's what I'm doing tonight...

I'm going to do my own form of evangelism tonight. Prayers are welcome, as is anyone who'd like to join me!

'Mark of the Veil'

2011-03-16T10:54:00.011-06:00

Mark of the Veil is a screenplay I wrote that I hope to film this year. I used to be so paranoid about people stealing ideas, about needing to protect my intellectual property from evil hackers and con artists. Well, after reading Blake Synder's book 'Save the Cat', I felt God tell me to, yes, protect myself legally through copyright and registration with the WGA, which I have, but I felt He also told me nothing is ever going to happen if I don't a) trust Him to have my back, and b) trust that not all people are terrible conniving thieves.

(In reality, what He told me was, "You think your stuff is that good?")

It's through sharing that I get feedback, and through feedback that my work improves. If I stay locked up in a room stroking my work like a madman, chances are, that's all the further it'll go. That's not fair to me, or to God, who gave me this gift of storytelling.

Filmmaking, indeed, is a collaborative art.

So, I've decided to surrender my fears totally and completely, and have the story absolutely out there from the get go. (Fact is, from this point on, if anybody does steal my work, this blog post makes them a total loser.) Hehe.

Here's Mark of the Veil's tagline:

Young James Sheridan's frustrated life as his crippled mother's caretaker is shattered by 'The Veil', a shadow agency that abducts her, throwing James' world upside down as he exposes a link between the The Veil and a corrupt politician, and discovers a much deeper tie between the agency and himself.

I've uploaded the first draft of the screenplay at TriggerStreet.com, asking for reviews. I'd like to ask you to contribute a review, either here in the comments or as a free will review on TriggerStreet. I've gotten six so far, seven counting a friend's input outside of that website, which have spurred on the beginnings of a second draft. I've been changing a lot of things, clarifying motivations, events, and expanding the end to give us more of a "heroes riding into the sunset" kind of feeling while still retaining the dark set-up for the future sequels.

Mark of the Veil is part 1 of a 5 part series. I'm not going to expand on those pieces, not because I'm afraid of them being stolen, but I'd rather you, the reader, be surprised as to where I'm taking this. But trust me, this is going in a very challenging and rattling direction. Many will not like Part 5. My goal is to legitimately tweak people with this series, not through a poor ending or a bad direction, but by challenging people's view of just who God can/will save. (No, this is not a universalist thing. But it still is going to ruffle some feathers.)

So, while the script gets refined and reshaped, I'm moving forward with getting this puppy off the ground. What follows is my agenda to do so.

Using the currently in-development second draft, I'm going through the script and recording myself reading scenes of the film that I see needing music. I'm trying to pace the reading to match how I see the action and dialogue playing on screen. I'll then create an album of conceptual soundtracks scored to the recordings as if I were scoring to a film. These tracks will not be final, but they will be the base level of the tracks that I'll use in the film. The cool thing about this process is it's another way for me to visualize the film before shooting it.

I'm aiming for that album to be completed by the end of April, and then I'm going to look into putting it on iTunes and selling it, putting whatever money comes in from that towards the film.

Meanwhile, in April, I will seal the changes made to draft two and publish it for review on TriggerStreet.

In May, I will co-ordinate the filming of two scenes from the script for fundraising purposes. These will be actual scenes from the second draft, treated as if they are part of the actual production. (When the time comes for the actual production, we will reshoot these scenes.)

On the first week of June, hopefully I will have received a good number of reviews on draft two, and will seal further changes made for a third draft. I'm not sure if I will publish that draft for public review, yet.

In the midst of all of this, I'm working with a friend to finish the re-edit of my first feature, The Broken Quiet. The goal isn't to make money off of it (though if we can, we will) as much as it is to be a calling card for our team. The hope is that we can use it to gain funding in a larger capacity for Mark of the Veil.

There's another project on the back burner, one I've talked about and published a separate blog for, Morning Rain. I haven't forgotten that film, but life right now is putting more momentum towards Mark of the Veil, so I'm running with this one for the time being.

If you'd like to support me, the biggest favor you can do me is to read the first draft and give me your thoughts. I want to know what you like, don't like, hate, love. I want it all! You don't need to know anything about movies. No experts required. Just your input for me to take or leave.

And when I have this album available for sale, you could of course buy one!

Batman: Arkham City gameplay trailer

2011-03-15T14:32:00.002-06:00

Why can't Batman movies have music like this??

More Batman: Arkham City Videos

I love Nolan's movies, but this is my Batman. This is Batman: The Animated Series grown up...

Here it comes again...

2011-03-04T10:06:00.001-07:00

Two years ago I wrote a screenplay called "Chains of Freedom" that I scrapped (or at least put it away) after the movie Book of Eli came out. Too similar; the characters, the concept, the execution...

This time around, I finish my screenplay "Mark of the Veil", which I hope to shoot sooner rather than later, and this comes out...

I'm going to see it with the wife tonight before making any decisions, but my gut reaction is that my piece this time is just different enough, with different details and a different focus (more of a focus on family than on romance, not as focused on a politician), that I'll be able to move forward. If The Adjustment Bureau does well, it might actually help me.

I'll find out tonight...

Ah, hell...

2011-03-01T09:51:00.008-07:00

Sorry. I couldn't help but take the opportunity to make a joke, there.

I've been reading a lot of hellfire and brimstone about Rob Bell's new upcoming book, which, well, seems to be about hellfire and brimstone. Here's the video promo he made for it.

The humor I find in it all is that the book hasn't been released yet, and Rob Bell is one to mess with your mind a bit before showing the cards in his hand. And there's been times where I've disagreed with him, for instance, in his video "Bullhorn" where he tells Christians who street preach that they are embarrassing "the rest of us".

(That one angers me. God is God, you are not. Do what He tells you to do, whether it's breaking from the institutional church and pursuing a new expression, sticking with the old expression to improve upon it, or going out and preaching on the streets. Sometimes you have to say hard things. And yes, motivation is important, but Paul praised those who even preached the Gospel in envy, because, hey, it's still The Gospel!)

Anyway, I digress.

There are some great discussions going on already about that aspect (judging a book before even seeing the cover), by my friends Chad Estes and Colin Mansfield. They make some great points. I encourage you to read them.

What I want to talk about is the closest personal experience I've had with God on the subject of hell. But first, forgive me as I must paint you a large backdrop of what I believe and how I see things.

I believe in hell. (Originally I capitalized "hell", but God told me its not worth capitalizing. Heaven is, though.) I believe that the Gospels, along with all of the Bible, are true. And here's why -- I really have a problem with picking and choosing. Now, of course, I might see things differently than you do from the same texts. I of course leave margins for that. But what I can't do is say, "I agree with The Bible on this" and "I don't agree with The Bible on this". I see what I see, and ask questions of it, but I believe John when he writes that the Word became Flesh. I believe The Bible to be another form of Christ. A shell, certainly, and not a complete depiction -- it never was meant to be complete on its own. It is only complete when we live it.

But I believe The Bible to be an authority figure. I bend to it. It does not bend to me. It is patient and kind, and the Holy Spirit uses it to gently bend me; but I am bent, and broken, and reshaped. Regularly. When I walk away from parts of it and start to rationalize others, or bring my own thought processes and overlay them on it, or take my own passions and pluck versus to justify them, or try to somehow soften the blow of what it truly says so that more people will listen... I've walked away from The Word. I've substituted it for something else, something I believe Jesus was speaking about when He said of the Pharisees, who did all they did for men's sakes, "They have received their reward in full."

I understand the word "hell" originates from the word "hades", which was a concept not of eternal damnation, but simply the place of the dead. Based on what I see in The Word, I don't think anyone is in Heaven or hell right now, but in fact in Hades, the place of the dead. (And I look forward to that place, actually, because I could use a nap before the Second Coming.) I believe The Word shows that all will rise together, the dead first, then the living, at the end of time, and there shall we be judged, and there shall we be saved. Phrases like, "She's not dead, but asleep", and, "Asleep in Christ" are things that stand out to me in that regard.

So, while the word "hell" is most likely inadequate for its concept due to its connection to "hades", Jesus, to me, clearly spells out a different fate altogether from "the place of the dead" for those He "did not know". It is something at the end of time, when all of man's "business" is sorted out for all to see.

As an aside, the humorous thing to me in Rob Bell's video here is the statement that people believe Jesus protects us from God. Now, I'm not saying that perception isn't real, but if you read the scriptures, read Jesus' words about hell; who is sending the goats to the flames? The Father? It is Christ Himself who will judge. He doesn't put it on His Father. He says, "I am the judge." And He makes it clear who will do the damning: the rejected Savior!

Now others who I believe know the Lord see this as a metaphor. They don't believe hell is a reality, but merely a parable describing a temporary punishment or a hard life on Earth... I don't know about that. I can't look at that, the enormity of what Jesus is saying, and shrug it off as another lesson. And part of that's because, well, I don't think metaphors are anything to shrug off. What if the metaphor is the reality, and our reality is the metaphor? (I'm a white Morpheus!) What we see as so concrete, so provable, our laws and rules, our science and philosophies, things built on man's understanding... I can't accept as final.

And it's not because I think I'm that smart. It's more because I know how deceitful man's rebellion is, thus I don't trust what we see, hear, taste or touch when we're not in Christ. (Not to mention the Christians that I don't trust!) Sorry, that's just how it is for me.

Anyway. There's my backdrop. I believe in Heaven and hell, and I don't think anyone's there just yet.

So. On to my story.

I had someone in my life that I didn't know terribly well. I didn't know where they stood with Christ. Life took them away, young, right at the start of their adventure. Even though I didn't know this person too well, the loss crushed me for those questions. It was truly the first time I'd really been impacted with those questions of, "Where are they now?" Most of the people I've known knew the Lord (or at least, I think they did -- God knows, not I).

I really wrestled with it. I prayed that, somehow, this young man knew Him before passing. That Jesus, in turn, knew the young man. One night, while watching "The Mission", starring Robert DeNiro and Jeremy Irons, with my family, I felt the Holy Spirit pull me away from the film. I was still physically in the room, but spiritually I felt I was on another plane.

I felt another presence in addition to the Holy Spirit. It was very weird, and more than a bit unnatural. To this day I am afraid to type it out because I fear man. I fear what you're going to say, how you're going to shred me and say this is wrong on so many theological levels.

It screwed with me too, know that.

But I felt the Holy Spirit say, "Tell him, now, why you believe in Christ." I did. I shared the Gospel in my spirit with... whatever was there. And then I was put back into the room with my family, and I found myself with tears.

I don't know what the result was. I didn't have a conversation with anyone but God. So maybe it's like speaking to someone when they're in a coma, like in the movies; they can hear you, respond in thought but not physically. I dunno.

All I know is the familiarity of God's Voice. It was the same Voice I encounter regularly in Scripture. Later, as I processed it with God, I felt He said, "It's never ideal. Spread the Gospel to everyone you can see, and touch. But I AM GOD. I AM SUPREME. And if I choose to bring you the soul of a sleeper to share with them what you should've while they were awake... What's it to you?"

I know I won't know the result of that experience until the other side. And I don't think I should start a ministry of praying for the dead. God is God, not of the dead, but of the living. Which tells me that He wants me to focus on the ones in front of me.

But I think God heard my heart for this young man and decided to get unorthodox.

Now... Does God do that on a mass scale? Does He preach the Gospel to the sleeping? What about all those people who died before Christ? Questions that are too easy to answer with feelings, intellect, opinion and religion. Because there is no fact. The only answer I can give is another question, "I wonder what Jesus did with those three days in the grave..."

I will not take The Gospel lightly, neither Heaven, nor hell. I will not make assumptions, neither of eternity, nor the life in front of me.

Instead, Lord, let me live to be one who knows You... and one You know.

Signs

2011-02-26T23:00:00.004-07:00

Today, my sister, a friend and I sat downtown with two signs that read, "Would love to talk, listen, or pray with you!" It was cold, freezing, and rich.

We sat and talked, got to know each other better, and warmly greeted whoever passed by. Nobody took us up on the offer, but nonetheless, I felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit's smile in my heart. We were there, we were available.

And what's more, for me, I was humbled. I realized, looking at my broken glasses in the mirror of a public bathroom, and my old ratty leather jacket, that most people probably just saw the cardboard signs and thought we were panhandling. I realized, too, that there was a part of my flesh that didn't like that feeling. It was humbling, for some reason.

I think we're going to do it again. The picture God gave me was fishing. Jesus, after all, said we'd fish for men. Fishing isn't aggressive. It's patient. It's throwing the line or net out there and waiting to see what comes. When Jesus says, "Cast your nets over there", you do. But usually before He says that, He lets you sit for a while with nothing.

That's, I think, what tonight was about.

And so, it wasn't disappointing. It was promising. Because we're going to go back out next week, and we're gonna wait in the cold for Jesus to bring someone to us again, looking like panhandlers.

Money isn't what we're asking for; just a chance to share the love of Christ.

It's not about the money

2011-02-25T15:34:00.006-07:00

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
I Timothy 6:10 NIV

I've been thinking about money a lot this month. Not obsessing over it, more just thinking about the concept of money. One of the reasons has been the fact that our tax returns would finally enable us to kill off the debt that's been shadowing our marriage for the last several years. (Side note: the federal return came in, and we are now debt free!)

My thoughts, though, have been about the whole value of saving money we've convinced ourselves is in the Bible. Depending on who you talk to, you could get the impression that having a financial emergency fund and savings is not only a good thing to do, but the biblical thing to do.

And the thing that struck me as I've been reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love is the simple question: is it in fact biblical to save up money?

Should that be the biggest priority? The whole point of an emergency fund is to prepare to sustain oneself in the event of a crisis. But it's been hammering at me, the question... Who sustains me? Is it even biblical to sustain oneself? Or is that God's job?

I talked with a friend yesterday about finances, and he shared with me how, if the U.S. dollar loses its standing (completely) with the world, and ceases to be the currency of choice, financially, it all goes to hell. And of course the immediate American response rose up within my heart, "Well, it won't. The dollar will be fine."

But will it?

Think about it for a moment. If you spend all your time, money and energy building up a savings account, an emergency fund, and then the dollar becomes what it truly is, a piece of paper with no value... What have you accumulated?

A bundle of paper, ready to be used in the furnace for heat.

Hopefully I haven't lost you. I'm not saying I don't think saving up is a good idea... with things that are constant. Things that don't fade, that don't lose their value.

When Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there also your heart is", I think He was on to something.

So what am I saying? (That's not rhetoric; I honestly don't know.) Let me try to figure it out, bear with me.

What's worth more? Investing into a temporary savings, or using the currency while it's worth something to help those less fortunate? And I'm not putting up the pictures of the poor homeless people at this moment. No patronization. I'm saying, if you spent all your energy on an emergency fund and savings and security... What is the reward when that money loses all its value?

Do you really think that could never happen? (That's a question I had to ask myself.)

Now, again, I'm not saying, "Well, hell, let's just go buy stuff, then." No no no. Because that's really the same thing.

I'm saying... While you have the power, the influence, the ability (and if you have even a few spare coins, you do, few Americans are truly poor compared with the majority of the world), you are responsible for the choices you make. God has given you something, and is seeing what you're going to do with it.

Is it bad to save up? Is it bad to buy something for yourself?

If you're asking those questions (like I find myself asking so often), you're not getting it. You're seeking a one size fits all answer. There is no one size fits all answer.

Here's the answer: you need to be in relationship with Jesus, and you need to be obedient to Jesus, in everything. That means, it's more than words on a page, it's more than regulation or policy. It's you, and Jesus, where He has you. I'm not in your shoes, and you're not in mine. But He is with both of us, and knows what's best for us to do with ourselves.

The only reason He makes a big deal about the money is because it's what shows where our energies are truly focused, where are hearts truly are focused.

So... save up for tomorrow with what counts, with people. Spend the power you've been given... today. Because, just like with the manna the Israelites were instructed not to hold onto, God is our provider. If we starve, it's because we could lose some weight. If we have extra, it's because He has chosen to give us a season of blessing and is interested to see what we do with it.

So then... Where I'm at is this: I am going to put money away, so that it can be available to use as God instructs me to use it. I am going to stop thinking so much about the next big thing I want or "need". On the flip side, I'm not going to feel guilty about being blessed, because I know that God kinda digs me (as He does you) and really does enjoy lavishing His good gifts on us, physical, spiritual, emotional.

But... It's not going to stop there for me. If God blesses me, I'm going to bless Him back by passing it on.

That's how this was supposed to work, from the beginning, I think.

NOTE: This also doesn't mean credit card debt is okay. If there is anything unbiblical in all this, that for sure is. Trust God, not your finances, and wait for God, don't just "trust Him" for the credit card payment.

It's not about the money. Because just like life's length, money's value is not guaranteed. Spend on others now. Save souls for later.

We Are Called to Walk On Water

2011-02-18T08:01:00.009-07:00

This morning I woke up thinking about Jesus calling Peter out of the boat to walk with Him on the water.

I'm kind of sick. For multiple reasons, but one of them is due to the fact that I love contemplating the aspects of what we see as free will and Divine Will and how/if there is truly a relationship. Lately, for about the last six months, I've leaned pretty strongly in the direction of Divine Will being of the utmost importance, and free will being down on the list quite a ways. My reason being all the instances in Scripture where it talks about God purposing before man even exists, let alone knows.

God hardened Pharaoh's heart, a resurrected Jesus hid Himself from His disciples' recognition. Many instances where God demonstrates that His Will and plan supersedes ours, even our own hearts, whenever He dang well chooses. I still believe that. I still see that.

But this morning, as I contemplated a fresh failure in my own walk with Christ, He asked me to consider Peter on the water. He asked me to ponder the meaning of the event. At first I excitedly thought, "Perhaps God is saying that I should take a leap of faith now and leave the security of my job to pursue my films, trusting Him for providence for my family!"

His correction was gentle, and I sensed a laugh as He tapped my shoulder and shook His head. "Look deeper."

I envisioned the scene, as I have many times before; the future apostles see someone walking on the water and fear, Jesus reveals Himself and calls Peter out of the boat, and Peter responds by stepping out.

Well, there it is. Another picture of how our walk with Christ begins. Jesus gives us our very faith by revealing Himself, then calls us out on a walk that is impossible. He stands on the waves, and calls those He has chosen to walk on water with Him.

I still believe that.

But Jesus asked me to consider something. He whispered, "It would have been cool to see Peter make it all the way."

I thought about it. In the story, Peter takes a few steps, successfully, as he obeys the Master. But the wind and the waves distract him, and he sinks. He calls out, "Lord, save me!", and Jesus is instantly there to keep him from drowning.

"Did Peter have to fail? Did I destine him to doubt?" That was the question I heard. I never got an answer to it, but I did hear, "When you stepped out at an early age, because I revealed myself to you and called you out of this world's boat, you did, and do, walk on water with Me as we head for My Father's house on the shore. Yet when the waves and the winds of this world, the distractions, temptations, and snares, take your eyes off Me, you sink. And I am there to pick you up and restore you. But don't think you are destined to continually sink and get pulled up."

"You could just keep Your eyes on Me," He said.

Because of my faith, which He gave me, He will never forsake me and will always be there to keep the water from my lungs. That is His pre-destination, His Will for my salvation. Yet the question challenging me comes: "If My Divine Will is the only piece that matters, why did I not carry Peter? Why did I instead call Him to walk?"

He then turned it to me. "I'm not interested in carrying you. That is not why I have called you. I want you to learn to walk on the water with Me, to stretch and challenge the faith I have given you."

"I want you to follow Me. Cling to Me, shadow Me... but My sacrifice is for naught if you do not walk on the water with Me. I gave you faith, yes. But it is you that must use it."

Then, to make sure I don't swing into relying on my own free will, He adds with a twinkle, "I know you will."

And that was about it. God has called me to salvation, given me the faith for it, and the gifting for the purpose He has for me here. Yet, I mustn't forget that it's His Divine Will that I grab a hold of the faith He gave freely and walk with Him, because of the pre-destined call.

And when I sink, I need not make a religious atonement or ritualistic rededication. Jesus already made the sacrifice! He just picks me back up with a simple, "Why did you doubt?"

But I do then have to keep walking, starting with a fresh step, for the simple reason that I have to keep Him in my line of sight. He's the only thing keeping my feet above water. Which means, keep up.

I'm so far out I couldn't make it back to the boat now, anyway.

To Fear or Not To Fear...

2011-02-15T23:05:00.006-07:00

Yup. I'm goin' there.

"But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him."

- Luke 12:5, NIV

"Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands."

- As read in The Message.

If there's one thing that drives me batty (and God's working on me, He's giving more patience and understanding to me day by day), it's Christians who demonize the concept of 'hell' and 'fear of the Lord' in favor of what seems to me a more humanly accessible and tolerant message.

Maybe it's just how I'm wired, but it is quite possible for me both to know the fear of the Lord and to experience His love.

I'm going to take this to the concept of my marriage. Let me share briefly, and hopefully not too intimately, how I can understand feeling both fear and love in the same breath.

The first time I was with my wife. (Yup, I'm going there.)

I was terrified. Trembling, shaking, completely undone at the utter beauty of my love, my bride. A love that was so fierce, so intense, it rendered me defenseless, it shook me to my core, and I was afraid. Bitterly, beautifully, afraid.

I'm fortunate enough to have the kind of marriage that hasn't lost that exquisite blend of emotion, of experience.

And that, in a nutshell, is how I would describe the fear of the Lord. Even more so. He is... He is...

He is.

And I tremble, and shake in His presence, and I beg Him to have mercy on me, even though He already has, I beg of it again.

It is the sweet fear of His presence. The intensity of His love.

Don't downplay it. Don't sell it for some false sense of relevance. For the fruitless fear of man, or the pain from someone else who didn't understand what it was and tried to use it against you.

Don't let them cheapen it.

Fear Him. For He is amazing... And He will satisfy you with a vengeance.

Child-like

2011-02-07T21:46:00.002-07:00

Today, we did our taxes, visited our mechanic to check a slight transmission issue that has surfaced with our new old car, ate lunch at Carls' Jr., then headed home for a quick power nap before I headed back out to work with actors on a play I'm directing this Easter.

During that power nap, I had all sorts of strange and interesting dreams that quickly faded (as I often do). Something about me going back in time to revisit (and re-enact) my daughter's various stages as a child. I remember as the dream neared the end I was telling my sister something to the effect of, "I know you can't do this in real life."

I woke up several minutes later than I intended, my eyes opening to the clock saying "3:49". I was supposed to meet my actors at four. Breathing deeply as I was shaken out of my deep sleep, I marveled that I woke up with just enough time to get in the car and go (thankfully the destination was only ten minutes away). On instinct as I grabbed my coat, I muttered a quick "thank you" to God for waking me up. I just assumed He did.

Then a little projection grew from my subconscious and took the form of someone like Bill Mahr, with the question, "How do you deal with the constant wondering that you might just be talking to an imaginary friend?" Or some such question.

I didn't take it as an attack from Satan. Just my psyche dealing with the fact that I do have such a thing as doubt, even now. It was an attempt at honesty. I started to answer the projection in my mind, but decided I would stick to my resolution not to engage any projections of people with whom I'd like to have a word in person down the road (God willing).

So it was a bit surprising when I got in the car, started it, and found God asking me to answer, to Him, the projection's question. I dialogued with Him for a bit, admitting that I struggle sometimes with the claims of some that I'm just subscribing to a 'fairy-tale for adults'. I told Him that's still something that I deal with. He seemed to nod, knowing of course.

He listened as I walked through the fact that there seemed to be an emotional connection between my doubt in Him and my doubt in my dreams. The feeling I encounter and have to overcome at times, with both Him and my dreams, is the phrase, "Who do you think you are?" (Usually it's some kind of atheistic projection with a raised eyebrow and a finger circling by his head, calling me "coo-coo".)

"Do you really think, if there is any 'god' out there, that you are on his mind?"

"Do you really think that he cares if you make movies or not?"

"Do you really think anyone respects you?"

"Do you really think anybody gives a shit about you?"

"Who do you think you are?"

God stopped me as I admitted all that, and gave me, of all things, something to Tweet.

Doubt is about you, not God. #faith

I laughed, first that God actually gave me a hashtag (which I then re-tweeted). And then I savored the simple phrase. It wasn't necessarily the answer I was looking for. You see, I would love a fix-all communion cup of 'doubt-be-gone' to instantly make me sturdy and solid in my faith.

What God challenged me with was that I would have my doubt as long as I was making it about me. What people thought of me, what I was going to say, how I would explain myself... All these things, God instructs in His Word to leave to Him. My job is to just be His kid.

And, He gave me another reassurance. Yes, I struggle with doubt. But how powerful is the faith of a man who chooses to believe even in the midst of not 'feeling like it'?

Or, as the projection in my head scoffs, "How powerful the delusion?"

Faith is foolishness, perhaps.

I'll take God's foolishness over man's wisdom any day.

Lord, make me a child, let me trust you implicitly. Continue to silence the lies of the flesh, the world, and the devil, as I let the Truth of Your Word absorb my brain in quantity and quality.

Stop...

2011-01-31T11:10:00.003-07:00

Being as I have no colon due to a surgery to prevent colon cancer, I regularly identify with this clip from NBC's Parks and Recreation...

Tenth

2011-01-31T09:57:00.004-07:00

I've been bumbling my way through the Daily Audio Bible's reading plan. I've not been keeping up daily to be honest, but I've decided that when I miss a day or two, I'll not skip ahead, but just keep plowing along. So at this rate, I'll probably be finishing 2011's run-through sometime in March 2012. But hey, Brian's an easy guy to listen to, and it's a nice way to maintain a presence in the Word.

Recently, I noticed something that intrigued me. I'd always known about Abraham's (then Abram) adventure in saving his nephew, Lot, from a war in Sodom's area, and seen how, pre-law, he decided to give a tenth of all his spoils to the high priest of God, Melchizedek. (And I've always found that humorous because then Abraham turns and gives the rest of his spoils back to the people he rescued.) A pre-law tithe, something coming from the heart.

For some reason, though, that hasn't ever really impacted me. But when I read this time about Jacob also pledging to God out of his own free will to give a tenth of all of his earnings to Him... for some reason, that stuck out to me a bit more. And I think why is for the simple fact that it wasn't a one time deal, and it wasn't with someone else's money. Jacob clearly states an understanding that everything given to him is God's anyway.

Now, to me, it's probably an indicator that it was a practice Abraham followed regularly and passed down. But I don't think Jacob really got it until he had his own vision of angels and the Lord in heaven. Once he saw the kingdom of God, his natural response was to claim dependency on it and and pledge to give back a tenth as a statement of that dependence.

Which got my wheels rolling. I tithe regularly because I feel it's the right thing to do, and I see it as an act of faith, trust, and worship. It's also a sign that I have trust in the place of God that I'm giving my tithe.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but what strikes me is that the act of giving a tenth came long before any law dictated it. It was a response, a heart change, a greater view of something bigger than yourself.

I guess what's hitting me is that if I'm simply calculating what a tenth is, maybe I'm in not in the right frame of mind. After all, Jesus was most amazed with the woman who only had two pennies, and gave them all to the temple. She didn't cut a corner off one of those coins. She gave 100%. And it came from her, privately, not from anyone's pep talk/guilt trip about giving.

Recently, Rachel and I spaced a tithe on a check, and when Rachel caught that half-way through the month, she texted me, "Oh, no, I forgot to tithe." As soon as I saw those words, I heard God's voice impress strongly upon me, "I'm not a bill to pay. You'll remember next time. No harm, no foul."

The act of giving is important, but it's just that: giving. It's not having to pay.

But if I'm not giving (and I'm speaking of so much more than just money to one organization), I have to ask myself... why?

I've heard all the excuses about tithing to churches and why it's a bum deal. "They don't spend their money right." "They don't care about people." "Their theology is whack." "They're a bunch of liberals/right-wing nutjobs." "They don't feed the poor enough." And on, and on, and on.

My question, then, in that regard is, what the heck are you still doing in that church if you don't trust what they are doing with your most holy offering to God? Is it because you view Sunday as some kind of event and not a small little smidgen of a much bigger part of life in fellowship with His Body (which is why you don't just leave the place)?

At least, that's where I arrive for myself. If I ever start doubting what my church is doing, I'm gonna voice it, and if God tells me, I'm gonna leave. I don't ever want to have any excuse for not giving financially to God.

And I know a lot of folks are going say, "But what does that have to do with the church? Why should I give to the church when I'm giving to God?"

You know what, that's between you and Him. As is all of this. I guess I just felt a heart check as I passed the story of Jacob. Why am I giving? And is it giving, or is it obligation?

Thankfully, when I asked that question, God assured me, "You're giving." Then He followed up with, "Don't stop."

Love It or Love It Not

2011-01-28T10:24:00.002-07:00

Read this today, got me thinkin' in light of recent discussions on wealth, poverty and such.

Love It or Love It Not

from daveramsey.com

A lot of people love Benjamin Franklin.

Oh, come on. Admit it. You're probably pretty fond of Benjamin Franklin, too. He's the guy on the front of the $100 bill, and you're not going to say you don't love $100 bills, are you?

If we're honest, most of us love money. Actually, we love money we don't have. How else can you explain our addiction to credit cards? Our culture loves money so much that we have television shows dedicated to showing off people's million-dollar houses and garages full of luxury cars!

Every day, we see thousands of ads that promote the dollar as the end-all-be-all ticket to a happy life. But we know better than that...don't we?

Wait a minute, you say. Doesn't Dave Ramsey talk about building wealth all the time? He sure does. But Dave is talking about a healthy view of money. The foundation of Dave's ideas of wealth building are that you get out of debt and build wealth so you can help your family and others … and leave a legacy after you're gone.

It's also okay to want to make a lot of money and to enjoy spending it! But what's the end goal? Is it to own stuff, or is it to help others and to change your family tree?

A lot of us have an unhealthy view of money. The Bible says that "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." It's that type of "love" that drives us to buy stuff with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.

For some people, the "love" of money is more like an obsession or an addiction. It can drive a wedge between spouses and teach kids that stuff is more important than anything else. It can lead to divorce and broken families. When we talk about changing your family tree, that's not what we have in mind!

Think of money as a tool. You can use it to help yourself and others, or you can use it to tear all of that down. You can use it to save for your kids' college fund, help your church or favorite charity, or you can use it to buy a bunch of stuff that will be collecting dust two years from now.

A healthy love of money will drive you to get gazelle intense about working through the Baby Steps and getting out of debt. It will motivate you to make better decisions with your money—decisions that involve only spending on needs, not wants. You will view life through a new lens, a lens that puts your future and the well-being of your loved ones first. Don't let money and stuff run your life.

There's no need to obsess over Benjamin Franklin. Plenty of other people will do that. With Valentine's Day just a few days away, remember who and what is important in your life, and keep that in perspective this year.

I know I'm constantly guilty of thinking like this with video stuff. I want to be impressive with the tools I own. I forget often that it's not about the stuff, but what I do with it that counts.

For me, the lesson and reminder is to focus on the script, not the toys. Paper is cheap. (And Celtx is free!)

Financial Goals for 2011

2011-01-27T19:15:00.006-07:00

This year I'm rolling up my sleeves and preparing myself to get 'out there' a bit more with my video skills, and would appreciate your prayers. My aim is to be out of debt by March, and to have $6,000-$12,000 in the bank by the end of the year. If I can swing it, half of that will go towards my next feature film's production later this year (we will be fundraising as well, but I'm going to make a contribution of my own).

Kind of an ambitious goal for me. Our budget right now certainly couldn't make that happen.

I recently had a great side-job that I wrote about in an entry earlier this week. My prayer is that I find a side-job with that level of commitment once or twice a month from now until December. If we can hit that mark, we'll be sailing smoothly.

I got an e-mail today from thumbtack.com asking for me to consider signing up for their site, and after looking at them for a bit, I decided to do so this evening. Here's my budding profile.

I'd appreciate your prayers and/or consideration for side work!

Oh, and if I've done work for you in the past, would you consider writing a review for me on that thumbtack profile? Thanks!

The Play's The Thing

2011-01-26T08:58:00.003-07:00

(I'm going to try to blog daily or so to ensure that when I blog, I don't have enough material to write a novel.)

Last August, I went with my church's staff to another church as they hosted a broadcast of the 2010 Willow Creek Leadership Summit.

During one of the segments, we saw two scenes from the play entitled 'Fish-Eyes'. Here's a 9 minute snippet of the entire play, with the actors that we saw.

We feel in love with what we saw. It was humorous, yet real.

At the start of the year, the pastors decided that this was the direction we were going to take for Easter, and last week I received a copy of the script with a request from Pastor Trevor to direct the play.

Wow! I've done a lot of film directing, but this is my first foray into stage. At first I wasn't quite sure how it would suit me, but as I'm working with one of the original writers to compress the script down into our timeframe, I'm realizing the beauty of stage that eludes film -- new takes on the same written material. Whereas with a film, once you've seen it, you've seen it; it struck me that with a play, there's always room for a different interpretation from an actor. It's never locked down.

It made me think of film reboots of late. Perhaps that is the film medium's attempt to somehow get closer to this very attractive aspect of stage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a film guy... But I'm very much looking forward to Easter.

Rendered Useless

2011-01-25T09:45:00.007-07:00

Yesterday, as we drove to the chiropractor, we passed a gentleman who frequents a street corner with a sign that says, "Native", near our house. I've given him some change and prayed for him in the past.

As we passed him yesterday, he suddenly collapsed, right on the sidewalk. We turned around, parked across the street and I sprinted for him as he struggled with a limp arm to sit up. I didn't know what I'd do once I got there, and the instruction that I was expecting to get never came. Instead I bumbled about, feeling like a fool, asking him if I needed to call somebody, or if he wanted me to call anybody. He repeatedly told me no, but he was not doing well.

I asked him if nothing else if I could pray for him, which he allowed. My prayer was a steaming pile of crap. Stuttering, mumbling, just completely worthless. (It felt that way, anyway.)

I asked him again if he was sure I shouldn't call anybody, and he told me he was *bleeping* fine.

I just didn't know what to do.

I walked, bewildered, back to the car. Rachel was adamant that we should call the police. She was sure he had a stroke and needed immediate medical attention. I was so wiped out and so emotionally lost in that moment that I told her whatever she needed to do, do it. She called the Garden City Police Department, and they sent paramedics out and found him.

I just couldn't make another decision. About anything in that moment. I told Rachel that night as we debriefed it that I didn't know why I was rendered so completely useless.

She responded, "In the ten minutes we were parked there you were the only one who got out and touched him."

I hope that means something more than a goodie-two-shoes pat on the back.

This and That

2011-01-23T20:05:00.005-07:00

Holy moly.

Looking over my last few entries, I've gotten pretty deep and personal, so much so that it looks as though I live the depressed life of a repressed artist.

While that may or may not be true, there's actually a lot of great things going on in my life as well.

In regards to side jobs, I've had the privilege of working with the J.A. and Kathryn Albertson Foundation in capturing a presentation delivered by Dr. James L. Applegate with the Lumina Foundation. It's been a great experience and a very thought provoking project for me personally. Dr. Applegate's topic was the need for a great increase of college graduates annually between now and 2025 if the U.S. economy can hope to survive. One of his main points was that by not going to college in this present and coming age, you are effectively becoming part of the working poor, leaving the middle class, now more than ever.

It got me thinking, being one who didn't 'go on' past high school and instead pursued employment the first opportunity I got. I'm not saying I'd necessarily change anything, but I do wonder what life would look like if I'd been patient and instead went after further education. Nonetheless, I'm glad that my parents didn't push me to go to college, but instead let me choose my life for myself. (Of course, they gave much guidance and opinion, but respected my adulthood.) I intend to treat my now two and a half year old the same way when she's of age... but I am certainly going to archive this presentation for her viewing.

Another cool (and nerve-wracking) thing about this project is knowing that my work will be going to Idaho legislators as they determine their agendas for 2011. Pretty cool!

And, I suspect that, no matter what level of success I might find in independent filmmaking, I will eventually go after some kind of official degree, most likely through an online program, because I don't see life slowing down any time soon.

Hey, there's a nice segue.

Filmmaking wise, I've been working steadily on my screenplay for one of my films. I read a great book called "Save the Cat!" by Blake Snyder (RIP, 2009) that really helped me organize my thoughts for the story. I'm currently just passing page 30 of a 110 script, and hope to have a working draft by the end of February.

During this process, I've been trying really hard to avoid any and all Facebook postings (breaking my 'fast' a few times to post about Batman movie news -- c'mon, it's Batman!). It's really helped with keeping my focus on my writing. (FYI, this blog posts *automatically* to Facebook, so I didn't break the fast to post this blog!)

It's also helped with staying in the Bible. I've been utilizing Brian Hardin's Daily Audio Bible podcast while reading along on Bible Gateway with the time I used to spend on Facebook. I'm not so sure I'll be returning to my previous levels of interaction with Facebook anytime soon. To be honest, I have grown so very tired of arguing with people about what the Bible says! Which seems to be a natural pull for me. Either you believe it or you don't, and I've chosen (and choose daily) to believe it, so I'm giving it my time instead of those debates. Jesus is the only way.

Rachel and I have been facilitating/leading a discipleship group in our home since last September, and we are officially full! Last Tuesday we started going through Francis Chan's book 'Crazy Love', and had fourteen adults and nine kids!! We were packed, but God showed up in the cramped space!

I have to say, modern Christian books and philosophies generally repel me, because so often I find they only lean towards one side of the coin or the other. Either it's harsh doctrine or flimsy feelings. (That's why I generally just stick to the tried and true Scriptures.) I was wary that 'Crazy Love' would fall into the 'Nooma' category... (I love some of those videos, but some have raised serious concerns for me, like the one where Rob Bell basically says street preaching isn't what Jesus would do... which to that I say, "You're not Jesus." Anyway.)

It's been a great book thus far in which Francis Chan has, in just the introduction and first chapter, really challenged Rachel and I in our prayer life, and my personal perception of God. Crazy love man... That title really does sum up the book. Looking forward to chapter two, which Rachel and I will read tomorrow before our group on Tuesday.

Also, God told me during worship at my church today that I need to pursue getting a guitar. Currently we have no worship leader for our group, and I felt Him tell me today He wants me to freshen up on the strings and be prepared to be a worship leader in the future plans God has for us in terms of ministry. What better place to freshen up than at our current group? It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

Last and definitely least in terms of real importance, I've been eyeing the RED Scarlet camera. Now, if you've followed me for a while, I know what you're thinking: "What about that DSLR 7D you have?" I love the thing to death. It is the perfect tool for what I do right now, short films for DVD and online (YouTube, Vimeo). And it'll have a long life with me, because it's an incredible stills camera. Any future posters for my movies you see out there will have been photographed with this bad boy.

But for the big screen (we're talking, theater sized big screen), it's a touch soft, and I'm hoping to get 'Morning Rain' and '3J18 (working title)' out there (at least have the option to take them all the way), so I'm going to need, for the films themselves, something with more resolution in video.

Enter the Scarlet. She's the cheapest of the RED family ($6,000) and shoots video at 3,000 pixels wide, with frame rates up to 120 frames per second. We're talking killer slow motion there when you slow the footage down to 24 frames per second (which is what movies are projected at). That's footage slowed down five times... Gorgeous.

I downloaded a second of footage from the working prototype (the prototype displayed here) and played with it in RED's free processing software... Wow. The 3,000 pixel wide image was gorgeous, artifact free and too big for my 27" iMac's screen at work! Crazy to think that that's going to be available for under $10,000. And that's really good, because I'm gonna need way more money for the car chase sequence I just wrote.

I'm very excited about what the future holds, in my faith, my family, and my films. Hopefully one of these movies will launch this year... but it's up to Him.

Please Don't Feed The Projections

2011-01-07T13:54:00.014-07:00

I'd have to say "Inception" was my favorite movie of 2010. It was a mind twisting adventure, a refreshing original piece of fantasy not wrapped within any kind of franchise reboot or sequel.

If you haven't seen the film, "Inception" was an espionage thriller set largely within the dream world; a group of dream manipulators entering the subconscious of one man's mind in order to plant an idea, to create an "inception". Within this subconscious are generated countless numbers of projections. Some of these projections are fictional, some are based on close friends and family.

At one point in the film, violence becomes necessary within this dream reality, and as projections are "killed", the question is asked, "Aren't we killing parts of this man's subconscious?" The question was never answered, but I thought it was a cool question.

I've been thinking about that scene a lot this last year. Not so much for the question, but for the concept of killing projections.

～

It probably started around the first time I had a crush on a pretty girl, when I was, say, 12 or 13.

I was not a brave boy, and asked a friend of hers to tell her that I liked her. This pattern repeated itself in various forms a few times as I dealt with all those confusing new emotions. (It didn't help that I was molested by a girl as a 5 year old, which complicated my view of sex and the personhood of the female gender even more.)

What began there was something that went beyond "imaginary friends" and "fantasy". I began to create within my 12 year old psyche a version of that girl I liked in my head. It wasn't intentional, but it was safe. It wasn't even really sexual; I just needed somehow to figure out what was going on inside of me.

As I grew, this became a rather standard practice, in and outside of "crushes"; I would create a mental version of just about anyone I'd meet, and eventually even those I didn't know. I also had projections for my parents, sisters, and of course, myself.

In all of these scenarios, I would have repetitive, ongoing "simulated" conversations. It wasn't practicing for a conversation I was going to have; it was the conversation. I would take my deductions of what the person thought of me, how I perceived they reacted to various scenarios, what I assumed they believed, and spin it all up into what often would be a very fictional character within my head that bared the same face as the real life person God had made.

Sometimes it would be for love; sometimes, hate. Sometimes I would create these projections to tear them apart; other times, I would let them tell me who I should be.

And then, I could take a deep breath, shake it off, and then smile at the person in real life with little more than a knowing glance. As if, somehow, I'd actually interacted with them. As if there was actually some kind of relationship.

You see, the facade didn't stay in the mind. I stopped remembering that it was pretend. It started bleeding out into how I saw the world.

But it was easier that way, it seemed. They couldn't hurt me, not really. And they wouldn't have to know if they did; if they did reject me, I could deal with it on my own, and they'd never know.

That was me, from age 12 until now. I'd become aware of that issue in recent years, and was doing my best to stop the habit, but quite honestly, it's addicting.

There's a similarity in it to pornography, which is another addiction I'm familiar with (no surprise there). Its allure for me is the mask, the self-medication. You see, I don't want to be the center of attention. Yet I have great, huge, mind boggling heavy ambitions and desires. So, these projections let me enter a fantasy world where I can "simulate" how it would go in my mind, and depending on my mood, I can succeed, fail, or land somewhere in-between.

Meanwhile, in the real world, life passes me by, and no one really knows me because I don't really know them.

～

At the end of the year, God gave me a new phrase for 2011. "Don't feed the projections." I'd very much prefer the phrase be, "Wipe them out. All of them." But I didn't get into this suddenly; I'm not going to get out suddenly, either. God has decided, in His supremacy, that the way out is the way in.

I became aware that this was the path for 2011, the great journey, as I sat in the theater for another film, "Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader".

I've always been very sensitive to the fact that I have a smaller frame. My dream has always been to be the huge, muscling tower of awe that is your standard action hero. Not really because I like muscles, more because, try as I might, that's what I see manhood as. That, still, is what my mind says true manliness looks like. And then I look at myself in the mirror: my frail figure, the fact that I am perhaps a tad too in touch with my emotions... and the obvious jokes that I'm sure you can hear flood my mind.

So God decided to challenge absolutely everything in that moment with the movie. He told me, "Brandon, consider Lucy."

Damn it. Of course. I'm a girl. I'm not Caspian. I'm not Edmund. I'm not even the snotty little brat who gets turned into a dragon. I'm the friggin' girl.

Then He stopped me, almost paused the movie, sat down beside me and said, "Whoa. No. You are not Lucy."

He restarted the film (again, that's how it seemed), and as the scene with Lucy in front of the mirror played out, He said...

"You're you."

I know, I know. But I really want to be Batman.

"Why?"

Because people respect him, fear him, look for him, hope for him.

"The fictional people? And guess what? It really doesn't matter whether fictional or real people respect, fear, look for or hope for you or not."

As He said that, the screen was about at the spot with the dragon who was the boy, as Aslan scratched the sand and tore away the dragon scales, restoring the boy. Then He paused the movie again and said...

"Now consider the boy. Don't long for scales again."

Then He let the movie finish before looking at me and winking.

"I AM Aslan."

～

God dealt powerfully with my projection of myself that night. That was a huge step.

He gave me my marching orders for the next step, and it's at least a year long journey. I am to ignore and rebuke any projection of any person I am thinking about or praying for with "Don't Feed The Projections!"

Right now there's someone I'm concerned I might have offended, yet God is telling me to wait to reach out until He gives me the word, because He's using this time. So every time this person's projection rises in my head with reasons for why he's offended and hates me now, I shake my head and say, "Don't Feed The Projections!"

I've really been having to shut down the projections of a few loved ones, one in particular because I feel they are acting from their own false projection of another dear friend. (Ironic.) The rule is, if I can't say something to the actual person, it's not worth saying or dwelling on.

Hopefully God decides to work some courage in there as well this year... We'll see.

～

So were they killing pieces of the man's subconscious in "Inception"? Good question. Right now I'm starving mine of self-serving discussions, and feasting on the Word in their place.

I think I hear a projection of someone asking me, "How do you know God isn't a projection, too?"

Well, in my experience, a projection has never told me to step outside of myself.

Two Seconds

2010-12-10T22:34:00.012-07:00

Any second now you or I could close our eyes, open them, and see eternity staring us in the face.

It was a Thursday night. Rachel was driving, I was wanting to get some KFC, and Juliette was repeating everything we said, like normal.

One second, everything was as it should be.

WHAM! From the back.

Juliette screamed, Rachel cried out in terror. I instantly was yelling, "Ok, ok, ok!"

CRUNCH! From the front.

Two seconds, starkly different.

What in one had been a fully functional vehicle, suddenly morphed into a junkyard scrap in the next.

But we were okay. Not a bruise, not a scratch. (Okay, Juliette had scratched her chin on her zipper.) Just a very shaken family.

We had been rear ended, and slammed so hard (while standing still) that we were hurled into the car in front of us, at least one car's length. Trunk warped, engine smashed, doors refusing to open without a fight.

I got out of the car, and it all just kind of swam by. No one was injured. The lady behind us, who hit us, had no insurance. Cops there. Firefighters there. EMTs. In a flash.

I tried to write instructions from my mom (aka our insurance lady) down on the pad, but couldn't. The adrenaline was so fierce, maybe the most I'd ever felt at once, that I couldn't hold still. I wasn't frightened. I just... it was just so fast.

Flash forward to tonight, 24 hours and some change later.

We have no car. Suddenly dependent on rides (while we have full coverage, our insurance didn't have rental). The insurance settlement probably won't get us all the way to a new car, which means we'll be in debt for at least another year, if that's how God decides it should go.

But walking the halls of my workplace today (thanks to a ride from a coworker), and sitting at home with my wife and daughter this evening, I realized something incredible.

I suddenly didn't care.

I didn't care about where the money was going to come from, or if we'd ever be out of debt. If we'll have clothes, or food to eat (we're not in bad shape at the moment, just paraphrasing Jesus).

I suddenly realized a little more pagan had been sucked out of me, replaced with a little bit more saint.

We were okay.

We were alive, and breathing.

It didn't have to go that way. That second could have been the last, for any of us.

But it wasn't.

And then I think about today, when I pulled out my camera to film a video in the studio. This camera bag was in the trunk. You know, the trunk that was smashed? Not a scratch on this bag. On any of the equipment. It worked as if nothing had happened.

He saved my family, which is the most important thing in the world.

He also saved my camera, which couldn't be more unimportant right now.

But He cared. He cared enough to use this little moment of reflection to say, "I like your movies."

I wanted Him to say more, to elaborate what He means, but then He made me hit the backspace key there. That's all He was saying. "I like your movies."

I want to live every second with this, from now on. Who cares what you accomplish? Who did you accomplish it with? That's the question.

And me, I'm gonna write some movies with my wife, and make sure my daughter stars in them.

Because those two are the smartest, prettiest, funniest women on the planet.

The accomplishment is not worth it if they're not there. But they are so worth it whether the accomplishment is there or not.

Battle of the... whatever...

2010-11-12T09:40:00.011-07:00

"Battle of the Mind."

That was the name of my first attempt at serious filmmaking. I put in friends from my youth group at my church as the actors, and most of the locations were either on the church campus, my house, or the house where that youth group met.

It was shamefully narcissistic, as any film by a teenager should be. I was, through a hairbrained script (complete with the most cliche of all endings -- "it was a dream..."), Sony Handycam, and $70 editing software, trying to process my life as it had been up to that point. Everything from my perceptions of my friends, the opposite sex (do they like me or don't they?), to all the unknown future obstacles that might form to keep me from fulfilling my dreams. Oh, and there was a little and completely out of the blue shout out to Jesus right at the climax. (Yay for random shots of the cross!)

Though the issue of the opposite sex was undoubtedly the central point for me at the time (again, teenage male, c'mon), looking back on it now, I identify almost exclusively with the future obstacles. Only they are no longer future. They are now. And I'm not sure I'm winning, or even putting up a decent fight. I'm just tied to a chair, wondering if I'm the protagonist or a supporting character. Should I try to break free? Or should I wait for the writer (aka God) to come up with a plot device to jettison me forward?

These past few weeks I've been going through my latest in a string of temporary depression streaks where I feel that I've wasted my life, there's no hope for me to ever make any big films that get out there, and worst of all, I feel all alone in my struggles. Sure, I've got people that are working with me on projects, but they've all got lives of their own, too. Unlike my first movie, the plot does not revolve around me, and lately I've become convinced I don't even have a plot of my own. I'm just a supporting character in someone else's film, waiting for my two seconds to help him or her along and then moving back to obscurity.

And it's come to the point where I'm tempted, sorely tempted, to resign myself to that fate.

Maybe it's okay. Maybe I just need to stay where I'm at, and let it all go. Let all the ambitions, desires, hopes and dreams for filmmaking and getting out there just dissipate. I made a choice, and now I'm here, and I shouldn't really complain: where I'm at is only a few marks off from where I want to be. It really is pretty close.

Pretty close.

As I type those words, though, I remember this really hot blonde chick in youth group pray over me all those years ago, asking God that I wouldn't settle. (She really is hot, so hot that I married her.)

I dunno. I think I'm in a super early mid-life crisis. Probably the result of fighting really hard to be as mature as possible, to be as respectable as possible. Probably. Or maybe I'm just blessed with quarter-life crises.

I just don't want to wake up when I'm old and think, "I settled." I don't want to look at my kids and grandkids and say, "I settled."

But what do I do? Because where I'm at now, being pretty close to what I want, is hard work. And because it's hard work, and pretty close to what I want to do with my life, the extra effort I have to put into making what I really want to do happen feels like, well... work.

And I'm so tired. So very tired. And I've got a family that I love, a beautiful wife and a gorgeous daughter. I can't selfishly chase after my film dreams and leave them in the dust. Because they're my dreams, too.

I'm so happy where I'm at now. Really, I am.

It's pretty close.

TJ Johnson reflects on "The Broken Quiet"

2010-10-21T12:59:00.003-06:00

As we (being my group of filmmaking friends and I) gear up to push five films "out there" over the course of the next five years, I've decided to build momentum by interviewing some of the key people that I've worked with over the last four years. The end goal with this little project is to produce a 5 minute video that is less about the projects we're working on and more about who we are as a group of folks that love making movies together.

But while I continue to shoot interviews and figure out how that video is going to look, I thought I'd start sharing one shot excerpts of these interviews. So, who better to start with than TJ Johnson.

My first feature film was called "The Broken Quiet". I shot it in 2006, had $700, some equipment, and a group of friends that were willing to give me seven weekends to make it happen. TJ Johnson was the lead actor, and we had never met before the audition. Since that film shoot, he has been in just about every short film I've done, and will be a major part of all the features I am currently developing. He's a great friend and fellow filmmaker.

"The Broken Quiet", though it initially debuted (and even was released through Amazon through a time) in 2007, we've decided reel it back in, re-editing it and making it as strong as it possibly can be. That process has been rich, but due to life and all the things that come with it, has taken longer than I anticipated (I was originally planning on a May 2010 re-release). So, I've decided to make it one of the five films that are coming out over the next five years.

Look for more excerpts from my filmmaking colleagues as this project develops!

Thoughts on Divine Will and Free Will

2010-10-17T13:10:00.010-06:00

I believe that God's will is supreme. I believe that our free will is subservient to His will. However, I also believe we should not discount the reality of various perspectives different lives contain, who do operate in a free will (that I believe falls, whether they will it or not, in line with His).

Just like the relationship between Divine will and free will, I believe one's limited perspective is subservient to His complete perspective. However, in responding to His selection, we are not stripped of having a personal perspective (one that cannot possibly grasp the fullness of His).

In a general sense, we have not been shown the hearts of others, those He has chosen and those He has not. All we can know is our own (of course, He chooses as He will, and such are the gifts of prophecy and words of knowledge). Thus, we must, when speaking to another (whether believer or unbeliever), approach with an understanding and respect of and for their perspective.

I don't think we deny the supremacy of His complete will and ultimate perspective when we are slow to speak and quick to listen to another whom we believe is off in their beliefs. Rather, we deny our own limited perspective and will, and demonstrate a Divine patience, a marvelous fruit of the Spirit, which in itself might just be the biggest sign of the Kingdom in these last days.

I have faith that God will give us the proper words for the proper person. It is His Divine will and ultimate perspective that can illuminate to us the doorways into the free wills and limited perspectives of those around us (if He so wills for you to reach into a particular individual's life and become a part of ministering to the response of God's selection).

Those who He has chosen to respond to us will, those He had not, will not. (And it must be seen as entirely possible that they will respond to Him, in time, just not, and maybe never, to you.) Therefore it is my heart that we should serve the Divine will, by honoring and respecting the free wills and limited perspectives of those He has created.

Now, one might ask, "Why doesn't He just reveal the hearts of the elect to us now?" And my answer would be, "Who can know?" I believe He has chosen what He has chosen, how He has chosen it. As it is, no one could sound as anything more than an eloquent five year old in these matters. We are so limited in what we can fathom.

Vengeance is His, so cool down

2010-10-15T17:44:00.004-06:00

Never take on someone else's pain. That's Jesus' job. Advocate for others, but you've got enough problems of your own. And if you let Jesus do His job, He'll give you plenty to do for those in need.

Yet always remember, vengeance is His! If He, who is perfect and sees all, waits for wickedness to come to full measure before judgment (having 400 years of patience in one instance), we, who are children, flawed, with one perspective, would do well to chill out and simply serve.

Yes, we must act when He calls us to act, but we must never delude ourselves into thinking that we deserve any less judgement than those currently enraging us.

Be careful, too, that you do not use another's pain to intensify and justify your own. It's not worth it, and you will lose, every time.

Trust Him, trust His Order. He is the God of the Restoration, the God of the Transformation, the God of the Reconciliation!

Have no enemies in human form, for they are not your enemy, and never were. They never were, and never will be.

One more thing...

2010-10-04T11:22:00.002-06:00

If you read this last night, or at some point after that, here's the period to that train of thought.

I fully believe that this cannot happen to the level God requires without the experience of the Father's love, which cannot be known without the Son's forgiveness, and cannot be lived out without the empowering of the Holy Spirit.

If you're trying to live as Christ intended without Him in Your life, you are fighting an impossible war against your own selfish impulses. (Heck, even with Christ sometimes it feels like I'm barely making it!)

We live in a fallen world. The first sin was to desire to "be like God". The second was to shift the blame for our screw up. Both of those sins were against God and His Order. The first was a statement of distrust in the Creator, and a betrayal of our relationship with Him. The second was a blatant example of throwing someone else under the bus.

Interestingly, the path back to the Garden starts with Some One Else willingly stretching Himself underneath that same bus. It continues and ends with our trust in and relationship with the Creator being restored.

And as we move along that path, we need the empowering of the Creator Himself to learn to discern the difference between our fleshly whims and true Godly service. And here's a great irony -- the very idea Satan enticed man with, "to be like God", is the very function of the Holy Spirit, to help us be like Christ! It is all in His timing, His Order. We must trust His Will.

We need Jesus in our lives in order to (begin to) grasp His Order. The frustrating thing (for me), is that me saying that doesn't make the Truth come alive for you. Sometimes I wish we could just wave a wand and make it all clear to everyone. But I thoroughly believe that without the restoration that comes through Christ, we will never be what we were created to be, and that will be a state we remain in for eternity.

I want to be everything God created me to be.

War and death; hope and life

2010-10-03T19:44:00.007-06:00

War and death are the direct result of man's religion.

Religion is the manipulation of life circumstances to understand, rationalize, survive, and if possible, thrive.

That manipulation requires a "them vs. us" mentality in order to bring unity and allegiance.

And here's the kicker. Religion doesn't need God. Only an idea. The original religion was formed around the pursuit of knowledge and power above relationship. Of "being like gods"...

Religion, therefore, is like Batman. If you make yourself more than a man, if you become an idea, you can make yourself into something else entirely.

Fear. It's all about fear.

That is what I've been freed from. Here's what I'm in now.

Relationship. Relationship with the Creator, and with the universe He has created.

Relationship is based in a symbiotic relationship with others. Relationship requires more than one's own idea, a cookie cutter formula. It requires preferring another over oneself, not simply as some "feel good" action or faith based statement, but as the very nature of the society itself.

Relationship is all about pursuing, pushing through the uncertainties, putting light where there was only darkness, hope where there was fear.

It's about not ignoring the fear, but facing it. Not becoming the fear, but understanding it.

Interestingly, despite all the harshness of the Old Testament, if you look at the heart of the Law and the Prophets, what enrages God is not gay sex. It's people being dicks to each other, the rich exploiting the poor, the poor hating the rich, and the complete disregard for one's neighbor in favor of one's own ambitions.

It's a lack of trust in the order of things that God despises. Not the order based in fear. But the order of symbiosis, the trust that if I lay down myself for you, whether you return the favor or not, eventually, it will come around. And yet, not even doing it for those reasons, because if you operate in that, you've just started another religion...

It's trust in God's goodness, in the order of the universe He created.

That's what we fell from in the Garden. That's what He's restoring us to.

That's what Jesus is bringing me towards. It's not something that can be shared with a sermon, or a lecture, or a message board or blog post.

Only through relationship in and of itself can it be transferred.

Which is why I believe it is in my heart to eventually be in Hollywood. Not to be famous. But to be a friend to fellow filmmakers and be a genuine shoulder they can lean on in times of trouble, whether or not they ever listen to me. Because I trust in the order of things. I trust God to work through me, and thus I don't have to manufacture anything.

Each of us are God's gift to humanity. But the moment we think so, we won't be.

P.S. While I do see the similarity between Batman's philosophy of fear and religion's base of fear, I also adore the "essence" of the Batman mythos because, at its heart, it isn't about fear. It's about one man giving his life for the ones society forgot. Maybe his methods aren't right... But I still love his heart, and the lengths he goes in the stories, even at risk of being crippled, dismembered and killed, to lay his life down for the forgotten. That's my Batman.

How much do you have to hate someone...?

2010-10-01T13:55:00.001-06:00

This hit me like a ton of bricks.

I've got some processing to do, as I've been finding myself going in the other direction in my thinking and interaction with others lately. Really powerful to hear this from an atheist.

What do you think of what Penn shared?

The Enterprise will always come back...

2010-08-26T11:58:00.004-06:00

I wanted to find this video to conclude my blog post yesterday, but couldn't find it till I had a moment to find it right now.

If the calling, vision, or dream you have is from God, when you sacrifice it for the people in front of you, when you release it into His hands (heck, even if you don't and accidentally wreck it), if it's His, He will not only keep it safe, but restore and improve what's been destroyed and ravaged.

Whether we're talking about life amongst others in the church, life with our families, life with our coworkers; if it's God's, it will always come back to us.

I think the ship I'm serving on now is the one I'm called to, and love dearly, because of its people, or persons. When the years pass and it's time to serve aboard another ship, I'll remember that we're still in the same fleet, all under the banner of Christ. (Christfleet?)

I would encourage you to look for hope today. And don't long for another ship's destruction. Keep your own priorities in check. Make sure you aren't writing anyone off in your zeal for someone else to "get it". Don't focus on temporary setbacks. Let them happen. Face the hard times, and hold each other tightly. Focus on the friends and family you have, and focus on the One who was restored for all our many sakes.

Before you know it, you'll be looking out that shuttle window, standing with those who you've gone to hell and back with, and say, "My friends, we've come home."

The needs of the many and the one...

2010-08-25T10:26:00.007-06:00

My mind's been processing something lately. So often there is talk of making decisions for the greater good, for "the people", for the least of these. Often, I feel, we miss the trees for the forest. We forget that "the people" are individuals gathered together. We are not mindless interconnected robots, interchangeable and disposable when we malfunction. God personally knits each one of us together, cell by cell, in the womb. Each of us are given a specific, unique, and unknowable destiny.

Yes, we are to sacrifice ourselves for others. Yes, we are to lay down our own concerns for the sake of others. But other persons. "The people" are not some mindless blob, some faceless entity. We are, each and every one of us, unique.

I've heard it said that the one who goes to war fights not for his country, but for the one next to him.

We need to remember that. Those we serve with are just as important, perhaps more important, than those we serve. For if we don't know, cherish, value and support those we serve with, we cannot know, cherish, value and support those we serve.

The vision must be the people. The people must be seen as persons. If the one is cared for individually, the many have hope. If the one is cast aside for the sake of the many, the many lose their hope. And if someone asks, "But what of the One who was cast aside for all of us?" I would say, "Were not the many crushed when the One was crucified? It was not until the One was uniquely restored that the many had hope."

Or, to put it in Star Trek terms (you know I have to go there), you might ask me, "Was not the Enterprise saved when the one sacrificed himself for the many?"

Spock does lay it all on the line, without any foreseeable hope of survival.

Yet, his friends raise hell, raise hell, to get the one back. They blow up the very ship Spock saved in order to get the one back.

Why? Because Spock didn't die for the ship. He didn't die to save the dream, or "the people". He died to save his friends. And his friends sacrificed their dreams to return the favor.

The ship is the dream. But the dream is empty without the ones who inhabit it. New ships can be built (as many more Enterprises were); the ideal can survive destruction. In fact, sometimes it requires destruction so it can shed the old skin.

But if the one is not restored, if the one is not fought and sacrificed for, the many have no hope, and the dream has died with him. Or her.

Los Angeles

2010-08-19T10:36:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago, I shared a vision that has been growing within me for a work I feel I'm to start and/or be a part of in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas.

I write this update from a little two star hotel in Pico Rivera.

Last Sunday, Rachel, Juliette and I took the 15 hour drive down from Boise to this hotel almost without any stops (we had to break just outside of Baker at a rest stop and catch a few z's). I went into this journey with an open hand -- still not completely sure I myself was sold on the idea of moving to L.A. I would consistently remind God during the drive that if, at any time, He wanted to straighten me out and tell me I was on the wrong track, He would not fight Him on it.

After arriving and driving about a bit, I would hope I wouldn't fight God if He corrected me, because that's just asking for it, but there's definitely been a shift.

Monday was a trying day. Juliette did extraordinarily well for being couped up for so many hours in the car, but she unleashed her fury upon us in the evening when Rachel and I were trying desperately to get some rest. And, while waiting for the hotel to allow us to register (we arrived at 10am, they didn't have registration till 3pm), we decided to drive through Hollywood. That was fun, but then we got lost on the way back and spent almost two hours frustrated, tired and completely without bearings.

Sufficed to say, after that first day, I felt defeated and certainly ready to just pack up and go home. But that was me wanting to call it quits, not God.

The next morning, I was still carrying a chip on my shoulder from our misadventures the first day, quite peeved that nothing of any kind of importance was happening. I had all the feelings of questioning, of feeling like I was wasting our time and money on this half-baked vision that seemed to be meant for a much more capable, talented, sophisticated, intelligent person. What was I doing here?

It was then that God answered, as I sat in the car, in the Starbucks parking lot, Rachel grabbing us some drinks and me hunting for Wi-Fi to get a map of the day's planned excursions. A knock on the window. I looked up, and there was an older man, his beard tinged with tobacco, his skin rough and worn, his eyes weary, but gentle.

I rolled down the window. He began speaking. "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to offend. I was just wondering if you had any money on you, a couple dollars, anything. If not, no worries, I just, this is all I've got. I don't want to rob or rip anybody off, but this is all I got."

I reached for my wallet, pulled out a few dollars, and asked him if I could pray for him as I handed him the change. He gladly agreed, told me his name was Steve, and then began sharing how he too was a believer, had lost employment at Walmart a few years ago and just couldn't find anything. He shared how he meets with some other believers regularly at a local church, and talked about some radio programs he found encouragement from, recommending a local radio station to me.

I listened to him share, then prayed for him. God put it on my heart to pray that, just like the Israelites had their season of wandering in the desert before entering the Promised Land, that Steve would be able to hold onto the Promised Land that God has for Steve, and that the desert time would be nearing a close.

As we finished, he looked at me with smiling eyes and said, "I'm glad to have met you."

In that moment, I felt God speak to my heart, very clearly. "Here."

Now, to be honest, all these other details, all these speculations of what the future might look like, where income would come from, how Juliette and our future offspring would be raised here, what films we'd be doing, what this church thing would look like... All of them are open for further discovery. The journey has barely begun.

But it was that moment that fed my soul and gave me all the direction I needed.

We haven't been able to do much with Juliette here. Most of the fun attractions Rachel and I want to see are either too expensive (Disneyland) or not 2 year-old friendly (studio tours). But that, I don't think, has been the point of this trip.

I think Steve was the reason.

I have already started developing a set of goals for the next five years. Become fluent in Spanish. Kill all our debt ($3,000 to go) and sell or rent out our Boise house. Get five feature films out there (plus my re-edited first feature) and push them hard towards any outlet that will look at them (looking for sources of income). Find and raise up my Vineyard Boise replacement. Find the right apartment complex in L.A.

But those are all just the details. Those will morph as we get closer to whatever His plans are. The people, that's what all this is about. I think often we start out wanting to do something for the people, but lose sight of them as our vision develops a life of its own.

So, I'm putting all these plans and goals and dreams aside, lowering them in priority.

Instead, when I need to remember what Jesus has for me, I'm going to remember Steve.

Irony or Divine Humor? Probably both...

2010-08-03T21:50:00.002-06:00

So, a few days ago, I participated on a friend's blog about an author who publicly stated she was leaving Christianity without leaving Christ. I understood the sentiment, but it concerns me when followers of Christ talk in this manner because they (it seems, to me at least) not only are calling themselves to a better place with Christ, but are pointing a finger at the Church and saying, "You're all fakes and none of you love Jesus!"

That's just how I received it. It seemed to bring more division than the healing that is so desperately needed. (And regarding the negative context today's culture has for the name "Christian", my Dad reminded me that the original context wasn't flattering at all, no grand honor in it -- it was an insult then, too, and a patronizing one at that, developed by Gentiles to mock the Followers of the Way. Peter said to wear the name as a badge of honor due to the mockery. So... times don't change, eh?)

Anyway... Getting a few days away from the lively discussion on Chad's blog, I walk into my church office's common work room and see a large stuffed envelope in my box, addressed to me. No return address. As I pull the tape off the envelope I mutter to myself, "Please be $7,000." Why? Heck, 7 is a popular number around here, so I figured it wouldn't hurt.

Instead of $7,000, I pulled off the tape to find a 14 page document printed off the internet on the mysticism and heresy of John Wimber, one of the founders of the Vineyard movement.

I was dumbstruck. I decided to skim the whole article, wondering who in the blazes sent this to me. A few names come to my mind now, and I have my suspicions, but that's not the point.

Or maybe it is. Back to that in a moment.

This whole article is devoted to completely tearing down any notion of Wimber's credibility (and consequently, the Vineyard movement) and then goes on to talk about how logic, reason and knowledge are essentially the milestones of the Christian experience. Yes, we can experience the Holy Spirit, but it will never not make sense to us, apparently. (Faith?) Mainly, this article's beef with Wimber was Wimber's audacity to say that God is bigger than His Word.

Excuse me? I would hope I'm bigger than my blog posts. I would hope that one would as soon choose to call me or sit down to chat over an Italian soda with me than lean on my blog posts for all my "profound wisdom" (yes, I'm being very seriously sarcastic).

Anyway.

The main thing that hits me (along with God's loving but slightly elbowing chuckle as he says, "These are the people, you know, that drive the others out...") is how whoever felt impressed to send this to me leaves no return address, no chance to follow up. Of course, I'm at this point peeved that they bothered to "write" (or print, actually) at all.

I'm ticked that this culture is growing increasingly distant, no matter the religious lines. We're all a bunch of political farts who shoot people behind closed doors and then pat each other's backs on Sunday (or whenever we see each other).

Courage, man! I am certainly willing to face, to face, the one who wishes to wrestle with me. Bring it! Let's get down and dirty, fight a bit, then drink something cold as we laugh about the bruises.

But this... This cowardly strike, with no chance for a rebuttal, no opportunity for a discussion...

It's weak. It's frustrating. ... And, yes, it's sadly very "Christian".

Processing now, I suspect it's regarding my last post on what I feel (there's that word again, I'm FEELING not THINKING!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!) God has for me in the next five years. Because, you know, if it was really God, it would be in 1 Brandon 3:4, "And thou shalt plant a church in Hollywood, and there will be much rejoicing. (Yay.)"

Here's the deal. If someone has a concern about my theology, I don't want a letter. I don't want a blog post. I don't want a friggin' Facebook message or e-mail. Not even a phone call, unless it's one to set up a time for us to stroll over to Moxie Java and shoot the breeze... in person. With your OWN thoughts, not just some 20 year old Wimber bashing article that has nothing to do with me.

I feel for my Emergent Church friends, because mostly it seems I'm wrestling with them.

Well here's the kicker.

It's because they're WILLING to wrestle. This kind of crap isn't worth my time.

I shouldn't even be writing about it.

Yet, after all this, I will not disassociate you, my anonymous Christian sibling. But you owe me an Italian Soda and a sandwich, now.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

2010-07-30T21:14:00.009-06:00

So, I've been kind of hinting at things here and there regarding where my heart is being pulled for the future. Recently a I wrote a letter to a leader at my current church who I respect a great deal to get his input. I've decided to post the content of that here, so that you can know what's on my heart.

In December of 2002, I was brought on staff at a church called Vineyard Boise and have served for 7.5 years now as the Director of Media. During that seven years I experienced great frustration as I, from age 18 to 25, felt a growing passion and desire to impact the world with film. In the midst of that growing passion and desire, I hit major speedbumps with my own flesh issues, thorns that I believe God has used, is using, and will use to both keep me humble and open my eyes to the thought patterns of those I’m meant to reach.

About two or three years into this season, I began begging God to release me, that I could pursue filmmaking full time. His response was not an easy one. He told me that if I left during that season, He would remove His blessing. Then He spoke and promised me that if I gave Him a full seven years here (“A tithe of your life,” as He put it), He would fulfill my desires. It was at that point that I surrendered to His guidance and became content with this time.

What I didn’t realize when He spoke of fulfilling my desires, was that He was speaking not of a fulfillment of my desires for filmmaking, but a completion, a bigger picture; new desires that complemented and gave greater validity to the originals.

For the latter half of 2009, I believe He began stirring my heart with a new uneasiness that was more unpleasant than anything I had experienced previously. I would go through rapid waves, in grueling succession (that still are present now) of two seemingly dueling desires, one to stay at Vineyard Boise, the other to move fully into filmmaking. Before my desires had been single minded; now they appeared conflicted.

It was December of 2009 (it had been almost exactly seven years) that, during a coffee chat with a friend who was questioning his faith, I blurted out, “I want to plant a church.” It was in part a joke, but as I continued processing that statement, I realized it was a real desire.

During this time, I had been in various discussions and verbal wrestling matches with many who had left what they considered the institutional church. While I actually found myself agreeing with many of their concerns about the greater Church’s growing disconnect with society, I could not agree with what I perceived as a reactionary attitude caused by (very legitimate) personal pain, as I felt those kinds of reaction weren't the medicine the Church needed.

I yearned for reconciliation between for these dear brothers and sisters (still do), and felt as though neither side pursued the other for reasons I still don’t get. It seemed to me that many on both sides of the coin were being held back from God’s full will for them due to a lack of reconciliation between family members in Christ. There needed to be more pursuit, a daring courage to face those who have hurt, and those who have been hurt, from all sides.

Please keep in mind, this is simply my perception, and God has worked with it. I fully accept that I have not seen things wholly.

The culmination of these teeming desires, observations and concerns came during a drive in the mountains. I was returning from Garden Valley, where I had been tutoring a young man in film editing. I felt God sit down in the passenger seat and visit me, telling me that I was created to make films, to use the creation of these films to draw others in (as in, those working with me), and to minister the love of God to those people. Then He confirmed that, beyond filmmaking altogether, I was to plant a church, and He began instructing me on how it would function.

I wrote down some initial ideas, and began to grow in anticipation of my release from this season and the entrance into the next. Then God slammed me with the realization that the work He has for me is not meant to be in Boise, or Idaho at all. He challenged me with the notion that this work is to be based in Los Angeles, specifically Hollywood. I was extremely uncomfortable with this. I asked God then to change my heart, that Boise would no longer be an earthly home to me. He responded, “No, this is to be your sacrifice. You will always miss Boise.”

It was at this point that my anticipation cooled, and transformed a bit into fear. It was now too big for me, I would be a stranger in a strange land, and I would have to raise my family in this environment. It frightened me, not only for those reasons, but also because that area is the belly of the Beast, so to speak, of pornography, which is the thorn that I still must keep from scratching.

God slowed me down. I heard God speak very clearly, saying, “Relax. Give me five years now to prepare you, personally, and for greater ministry. During these five years, prepare one feature film a year, from now till then, but do it here, for now.”

This is where I’m at. Here's the strategy that He has begun to unveil in my heart for this future body in California.

God’s told me, that when this vision is reality, this body I’m called to plant will be constructed entirely of smaller groups. It will meet on Saturday evenings. The service will be constructed, not around the idea of an event, but around the idea of a family meal, truly communion, “the Lord’s supper”. Tables everywhere, only the tables aren’t random. Instead, these tables of ten are the groups that form the body, each table with its own pastor.

Food is everywhere in this vision. We open with appetizers, then worship, and break out the main meal. As the food is consumed, the teacher shares. A key note that God has really spoken to me is that this time is to be highly evangelistic, to be almost unbearingly simplistic for those more mature in the faith. The message will be short, no more than 15 minutes. Then we close in prayer and ministry, an alter call, and desert is available as we close in worship.

Maturity, then, comes in the smaller groups that will meet weekly, and it is here where any in depth discussion and study takes place (as well as any offering or tithe). In order to ensure everyone feels fully supported, these pastors will all connect before the larger Supper. Close and regular connection between leaders will be crucial, so there can be no conflict, discouragement or disillusionment that is not regularly dealt with in love.

The reason for the Saturday evening service (or meal) is twofold. One, it allows people to stay late and connect in either community or ministry ways while still having one more day to rest beyond that. Second, it is non threatening to other churches, and actually encourages cross pollination (I intend on personally connecting with another body on Sunday mornings).

Now, the next points had to be processed a bit (and is still being processed, as is all of this).

The first was that there will be no paid staff; not even the pastoral team will be paid. Everyone will be tent makers, out in the community. The building will be paid for previously (a free will offering), and no amount of facility work will be supported by the general tithe. (My thought currently is that this building will have a dual or primary purpose aside from the Saturday meal, most likely some kind of small theater.)

The general tithe, then, is split into two parts. Half for inreach, half for outreach. The inreach half will be used to help members of the body through hard times, the outreach half to minister to those still searching and to aid other organizations that are carrying on the works of Christ.

Ministry, then, becomes less about programs, and more about connection with other bodies and organizations that are already active. I believe God has told me that churches need to stop re-inventing everything themselves, and instead find ways to minister “out there”, with organizations that might not even be Christian, yet are filled with good people that could be further empowered if exposed to the true Christ.

Thus, our primary outreach focus would be spotlighting other churches and organizations that people can connect with. The illustration that God gives me is the film “Miracle on 34th Street” (specifically the 1994 remake), when Santa Claus is directing parents away from the store he’s employed in, to stores elsewhere that have the same toys at a better price. At first, he gets in trouble for it, but soon the store’s management realizes that this Santa is bringing in more business by giving that same business away. I feel that’s a very Kingdom principle.

I believe another reason God is speaking towards the lack of a paid staff, the lack of a mortgage, and the lack of a dedication to specific programs beyond feeding the poor, both physically and spiritually, is so that when hard times arrive, we can be more flexible to move, shift and transform, not our message, but the way in which we deliver it, and more importantly, the way we serve the people. If we depend on tithe only as a means to take care of the family and to feed the poor, I suspect the rest will fall into place according to His desire.

(This is not meant to be a criticism of any current system -- indeed, I have been stretched by this new way of thinking as God has out of the blue brought it up. I believe this is a unique thing inside of the larger Body.)

There are other finite details that need to be fleshed out, and I believe that’s what the next five years are for, but I feel that this body’s overall purpose will be to unite the greater Body of Christ in a larger way than has ever been seen before. It will be an agent of salvation for the lost, of restoration for those hurt by the church (and those who have hurt the church), and ultimately reconciliation between all Christians. Thus, I will never tolerate any kind of divisive Spirit against any other Christ following community. Those who bring that to the table will find me fierce in a way that I otherwise seldom am.

Between now and then, I am called to continue serving Vineyard Boise, and to learn. God still needs to break off completely the yoke of the flesh (at least the issues I wrestle with now), so I am relieved that His plans give time for that to happen more fully before He throws me out of the nest.

I would appreciate prayers, guidance, and discussion with me as I am being developed to be a small part of the catalyst that helps bring people to Christ, Christians back to each other, and ultimately (along with many other catalysts) the complete abomination of all denominational lines that divide rather than unite, so that the final work of Christ might be fully unleashed through His people as the last days draw rapidly to a close.

My prayer right now is that God would illuminate to me the five spiritual bodyguards that will kick me into shape. Because I'm a whiny pup at the moment.

It’s no small thing He’s called us to in these last few moments of history.

Maybe I'll stick with paper...

2010-06-28T13:55:00.004-06:00

So, I was hoping to do some extra side work over the summer so that I could purchase an iPad to use as my script/storyboard manager, as well as many other tasks, on the set of my next feature film this fall.

Then a friend sent me this video this morning.

I went to the website that produced this video, read up on what's happening in the Congo, how pretty much all of our electronics today employ the use of what's being called "conflict minerals" and is fueling a conflict that has cost 5 million lives, and decided to click on the "take action" section of the website. There they have a "commit to purchase conflict-free electronics" section where you put your name on a pre-written e-mail that is then sent to the 21 major electronics companies.

Me being the blabber mouth that I am, I decided to nix their simple message and put my personal spin on it. Here's what I wrote.

So... Been reading some interesting articles today about how the majority of our electronics companies are directly or indirectly dealing with "conflict minerals" from the Congo, and thereby funding the gross destruction of human life. Here's such an article.

http://www.raisehopeforcongo.org/blog/post/hello-im-mac-and-heres-how-i-help-fuel-worlds-deadliest-conflict

(I was especially heartbroken to find out that Apple's in this too. So much for the ability to take pride in the computer I have, eh?)

Here's the deal. I want all of us to stop turning a blind eye to human suffering in order to make a profit; stop claiming ignorance because the alternative is too inconvenient. We are at a critical time in human history. Now, I don't think the "big bad corporations" are all any more evil than the "little guy". So let's you and I, the corporation and the consumer, show the world that we aren't soulless, money grubbing entities or deal hunting, self-absorbed five year olds, but people with families and children of their own, who care about those in our communities and around the world.

Let's have some honest, hard looks at what needs to be done differently. I love a good deal, but a good deal that comes at the cost of someone else's flesh and blood for a piece of technology doesn't seem that attractive. I'd rather save up longer and pay more for the next computer, camera, cell phone, etc., if it meant knowing that everyone was being treated fairly, paid well, and no form of human injustice was being funded.

Easy answers, convenient solutions, insanely low prices... It's seeming more and more they're almost never morally acceptable.

So, lets make a change, make a stand. (C'mon, Apple, I'm rooting for you especially.) Let's cut off our end of the feeding tube to gross human abuse.

The first one of you to address this with a diligent, exhaustive response, will definitely get my interest as a consumer. (C'mon, Apple.)

Watching and waiting,
Brandon Freeman

Dreams of a future yet realized

2010-06-22T20:24:00.008-06:00

The last several months have been a tumultuous time for my soul. I have experienced the agony of God wrenching within me a desire for change, for the next season; and yet as I contemplate the season that has graciously hosted me the last seven years, I feel a bittersweet mixture of smiles and tears. I realize now, in a greater capacity, what God wants for me to do with my life. It will be familiar, and similar in some ways, and completely foreign, frighteningly alien, in other regards.

I am no pastor. It is not a title I have ever sought or desired. I don't think I do well in front of a crowd, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to be that, anyway. Yet I feel God calling me not to seek an end to ministry in favor of filmmaking, but rather, to incorporate filmmaking, to a larger degree, with the ministry that He's called me to.

I am not perfect. I'm not even really that sanctified. No reformer. No great model. I have lusts and rages, doubts and fears, unhealthy hungers that must constantly be kept in check by others. I have had it spoken to me, I believe by God, that I will never be free of these things until death. That these things are my thorns, and He has purposed them to keep me humble.

Yet I feel Him calling me to prepare. To be honest, I have no idea what preparation looks like. When I ask, all I see is a readiness of Spirit, a willingness to be flexible, and to jump when it's time. Then a reminder that it's not quite time yet... but it's close.

Plant a church? Me? And not just a church, but a church that looks and feels completely different from anything I've already experienced. Not out of pain, not a reaction to what I know -- I love what I know! And He tells me, "That's why I want you to do this -- you lack the pain that can shift to hatred which causes poor choices and incites division rather than unity."

In all of this processing, I think He calls me to leave my film dreams behind, or to postpone them. I assume that's where He's going with this. Then He tells me, "Far from it." He shows me, that all I'm going to do with my life, when He says "Jump", is film and church. And the conjunction is not a compartmentalization. No Western/Modern thinking here.

He wants me to make films, not for the finished product, but to include the very people I'm called to minister to into my most intimate and vulnerable place -- the moment of creation. This is where the small piece of a leader within me rises up. When I'm directing, I can feel a difference in myself. My senses awaken, and I can see everyone clearer.

He wants to put people there, in that environment, with me. Out of that will come a church. Out of that will come a movement. Out of that, not reform, not anything world changing but this: that the Body of Christ would become one. The arms, legs, feet, hands, head, toes... Finally, would stand up, and minister to the world as has never been seen before.

He tells me that I won't be in Boise. Not even in Idaho. He's whispered where I'm going for years, hinted at it, and my response has been to shake it off. Because I don't want to go there. I don't want to go there. Boise's my home. My family, my friends... I think, "Well, I'll just have heart change when the time comes." He says, "No, this will be a sacrifice."

Sigh... I've never experienced wanting and not wanting my future at the same time before.

"Can't things change and be the same?"

God asks with what I imagine is a raised eyebrow, "What?"

I'm certainly glad He clarified that I'm not the sole piece in this, that I'm just one of a thousand catalysts. But He tells me to prepare to be one of those catalysts.

How do you prepare for a shimmering glimpse of a dream that might resemble some form of what this future will end up being?

Then God tells me that it's really no different than following my Pastors on Sunday morning. They give five last minute changes to the PowerPoint, sometimes have a last minute video to play, and where others might baulk and say "This wasn't planned for!", I shrug and go, "Alright. We'll make it happen."

Who would have thought, that the whole purpose of my time here, all those frustrating moments of last minute changes, to things seemingly so minuscule, would in fact be what He has been training me with all this time?

And is that really all the preparation I get? No real education beyond high school, just the "school of life" and making videos for a Sunday service? No great connections, no real money, no real idea of what the heck I even want to do?

And when I try to think about it, try to plan it out, make my seven year plan for my life, God says, "Whoa, whoa... None of that. You're here now. You'll be there in a bit. Why don't you just make a movie this summer and next?"

Huh?

So I wait for You, Lord. I wait and see what You have. I do my best to surrender my anxiety to You, and to hold my ground until the gates lift, like Maximus, waiting to face what might tear him to shreds.

It's close.

Relationship

2010-06-01T06:46:00.002-06:00

When I saw that cute girl across the room who kept glancing my way, I knew I had better learn her name pretty quickly. I didn't walk up to her and tell her what I thought her name was -- she told me. And likewise, she didn't address me with the name of her choosing -- I told her.

Rachel and I developed a close bond over the next year, and she and I became a couple at that point. But it didn't just happen, it wasn't something that was assumed -- I had to reach out and say, "I want this." And she had to respond and say, "So do I." And eventually, it had to become public. I mean, if we were really together, it was going to become pretty obvious rather quickly. It would be odd for me to deny our relationship in front of others -- she would surely deny me before her own heart if I did that!

It was the next March that I stormed in and interrupted a Youth Church service to boldly (and somewhat cheesily) propose to her, in front of all our peers. I made a fool of myself for her. All for her. (She said yes, thankfully.)

Four months after that, I stood on a large green lawn, looking down an isle of chairs as this beauty was escorted towards me, tears staining her face as she approached me.

I chose her, in front of many witnesses. She chose me.

That was the beginning, not the end, of a journey. Marriage is a pretty big leap of faith. Because no matter how many pre-marriage classes you take (we did), no matter how many long hours you spent on the phone talking to each other (we did), you don't really know your spouse for the first few years. You start to get to know the real them, but, approaching our seventh anniversary next week, I can tell you I've just started to get to know my lady.

I can tell you this: she doesn't like lip service. She really hates it when I say to her, "I'll do this", and then forget. It shows I wasn't really thinking; worse, I wasn't giving her my full attention.

She loves it when I say her name to her. Mind you, I have all kinds of sweet little nicknames for her, "Sweets, Babe, Hun", and others that are not necessarily appropriate for public posting. But it's her name that she loves hearing the most, whispered in her ear sweetly.

If I only connect with her once a week, there is hell to pay.

And here's a big truth that sometimes is easy to overlook -- when I married her, I married her family. When she married me, she married mine. We can't write off what is now our family, even when we make each other frustrated or hurt each other's feelings. It was part of the deal.

And the biggest "calling" if you will, of our marriage, is to bring new life into the world. Now, I'm not just speaking of children (though we have the most beautiful daughter -- really, she's the prettiest), but the friendships and family relationships around us. We're called to bring new life to them. Which means they, too, become family.

Now, here's a truth that I've learned -- if we don't set regular times to connect with all those around us, it only happens once in a great while, because this world has many "goings on". So we make plans for regular get-togethers.

I have a game night that happens every other Monday night with some guy friends -- Rachel has a prayer night that happens on those same nights with some gal friends. (I know, they are far more spiritual than we are.)

We have a Discipleship Group that meets every Tuesday night with some of those friends. And we have a regular Sunday service we attend where we connect with friends and family.

All this happens within the greater relationship of the marriage between Rachel and I. It's all important, the spontaneous dates and the regular get-togethers.

I know for us, we need it all. We can't afford to write any of it off, because it's all people. We love people. Where people are, that's where we want to be, whether it's in a pew or on the street. I don't ever want to discriminate against one setting or another.

Rachel and I are one flesh. Two personalities, two minds, two spirits -- one flesh.

And we haven't even really started yet...

Am I insane?

2010-05-27T11:54:00.005-06:00

I'm realizing more and more that I absolutely have a negative reaction to popular opinion, of any form. Put me in a room with conservative politic types, and my mind starts pulling from the liberal sides of my brain. Put me in another room with liberal types, and the inverse happens. The same goes for organized/unorganized church debates, or physical film vs. digital media conflicts, or Star Trek vs. Star Wars nerdfights.

It seems that no matter what, I am destined to find a problem with almost any point of view that is so grounded in one's own perspectives or opinions or likes or dislikes.

And I'm not even going to mention all the debates and arguments I have within my own head. ... Oh, okay, looks like I am going to, actually.

There's the side that loves grace, the side that craves justice, the side that begs for mercy, and the side that wants to see the bad guy get his.

I want to see the poor raised up, but I don't want to see the rich torn down. I want to see gender and racial equality, but I don't think that diversity should be a requirement in gatherings/performances/the workplace/etc. Yet, at the same time, it annoys me that all leading roles in big Hollywood films generally are the same five or six white male faces. Yet, I don't think that should change just because it annoys me. I think organized church serves a purpose (i.e. NOT evil, DOESN'T need to be wiped out), but I don't think that's the only place Jesus lives (i.e. you don't NEED to be in a BUILDING on SUNDAY).

Do you see? Do you see how much trouble I could get in if I was a bit more vocal, how much trouble I do get in with myself?

Sigh... If I were a Batman villain, I'd be Two-Face.

Fact is, I think God put this thing inside of me to keep me on my feet. The aggravating thing is it really slows me down. I don't want to think about everything, I just do.

There are few times in life when I'm sitting, listening to someone sharing their opinions, and I don't both agree and disagree with the same intensity, simultaneously. And then I start fighting with myself about which side is going to participate in the discussion, and then I lose my place, and then I just end up saying, "Yeah..."

And this is all within the "being redeemed" aspect of myself, the part that is growing in Christ, alive and well. The dying man in the flesh has his two or five pieces as well. I try to just ignore him entirely.

Where do I find peace from all this madness of thought, counter thought, balance, counter balance, argument, counter argument? Am I insane?

Well, I guess it comes down to me realizing that I don't need to agree with all of someone's thoughts, or even agree with all of my own... I just need to love, to speak in love (which is not always soft and mushy), and to learn to follow God's direction more and more.

I just wish I didn't always feel so alone because of my very internal and simultaneously polarized sensibilities...

My thoughts on the LOST finale (spoilers!!) and other random tv things...

2010-05-25T09:52:00.003-06:00

So, here's just a little post that I put on Facebook that I liked enough (I know, such a narcissist), that I thought I'd put it on my blog.

(Be warned, spoilers be here!)

I didn't follow everything LOST related (my wife watched all 5 seasons last summer, and I got sucked into the first few seasons then drifted away when it started not doing anything) but this season really sucked me back in. The whole, alternate reality thing I thought was a throwback to Abram's take on Star Trek and time travel -- change the past and you create an alternate reality, but you personally still exist as you always did, with the memories you always had.

So, I was expecting some kind of cool, mind warping ending. All the nonsensical stuff...well, I guess I had just gotten to the point where, just like 24's never ending "super Jack", I accepted it as part of the show's dynamic. (I still mocked it, but I was okay with it. Whatever.)

So I was good up through the first half of the finale. That shot of Jack and Fake Locke charging each other -- EPIC!! I was like, DANG SON! It's ON NOW!!!

Then...well, the fight was cool, but it just kind of...stopped. Nothing doing, such an anticlimactic resolve to that whole story. I think that's when it started to lose me again.

Fake Locke's last words, "You died for nothing" before dying himself, for me, then went on to sum up the whole show.

Then, we get the reveal -- no, this "alternate reality" isn't, this isn't a side flash, but yet another FLASH FORWARD -- to the AFTERLIFE?!

So, basically, this WHOLE side plot that has taken up SO MUCH TIME has been so that we can have a nice happy CAST RE-UNION SHOT AT THE END!!

Lame. Lame lame lame.

Yeah, you died for nothing, LOST.

In other news, 24 went out with a bang, for me. Interestingly, I really didn't care about the season for much of its run, but the last few hours it picked up so much steam that I was the most enthralled with a television show that I have been in a while. On the edge!

So, while LOST had the momentum and lost it (hehe) in the last four episodes, 24 chugged along and then exploded in, yup, the last four or five episodes.

Which brings it all back to Pro Wrestling -- never count out the guy getting pounded, 'cuz he's probably going to get the title. It's just how it works.

But really, I think we can all agree that 30 Rock makes the best finales of them all.

A word to me

2010-05-21T10:19:00.006-06:00

I've been having a lot of inner wrestlings lately, as I feel God has been stirring me to get ready for a big change, and to finally completely and fully pursue my dream of making films for a living, and more importantly, for Him. As typical with me, once God starts to stir me for the thing I long for so desperately, I get impatient and start wrestling with doubt, angst, and frustration.

My church had a night of ministry with a guest speaker, Robby Dawkins, and it wrapped up with him having words of knowledge for different folks. He asked all the creative types to come up front, had some other words for folks, and then spoke this to me. It's spot on with where I'm at right now, and this has really energized me.

(Since I'm the video guy and I'm not at my post, the camera's not capturing the full scene, hehe.)

Funny thing, the last week I've kept finding myself thinking about how Bruce Wayne didn't become Batman until age 30. (I know the more biblical example would be Christ at 30... but God knows me, eh?)

So, whatever's ahead, it's close, but I don't have to worry about missing it. It will be painfully obvious, no question... and probably nothing I'm expecting right now.

Thanks for your prayers!

Project: Morning Rain - filming date approaches

2010-05-14T15:05:00.001-06:00

I posted an entry on my other blog, Project: Morning Rain, which you can read here.

If you're interested in participating, let me know!

I Want My Money Back

2010-04-21T10:15:00.002-06:00

Here's my latest short film, "I Want My Money Back".

About a year ago, I had my own experience with God telling me to pray for a blind woman. Unlike the main character of this film (played by my beautiful wife), I didn't listen. I had all sorts of doubts and reasons for why I was sure I wasn't actually hearing God -- all masks for my own fears. You can read more that experience, and see how I processed it at that time, here.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. My part of the church has an arts ministry called VineArts that puts up a quarterly art gallery in the hall behind the sanctuary. For years folks have asked me to make a video or short film to put up in one of these galleries, but I just never felt God move me to do anything that matched any of the themes picked, and didn't want to force anything.

The upcoming gallery theme was "Doin' the Stuff", a phrase that Vineyard founder John Wimber coined in reference to having faith for the fruits and miracles of the Holy Spirit found in the New Testament to be available to us today. As April came, I knew I needed to make a film for this gallery.

I sat one night, waiting for inspiration, and I don't remember exactly how it came about, but I know I saw my experience juxtaposed alongside the experience Peter had in Acts 3. He didn't give a moment's hesitation; he felt the Spirit and acted.

I started seeing a story that was a combination of those two events, my failure and Peter's success. I began seeing a woman who struggled with my doubts, who walked away from what God had put in her heart to do...and then went back.

So I jotted it out, shot it the next week, and put it together the week after that. The creation of the film was fast, immediate, and final. But looking back on it now, I can see that the experience I went through last year was a seed for this film. God's been working on me this whole time, and while I would hope this film is not the final fruit of my growth, my prayer is that it is a landmark.

Time off

2010-04-11T01:02:00.010-06:00

So after a lot of work for Easter, I took a week off this week and pursued my family, my passions, and my dreams. Here's a few highlights.

I learned that pre-production of a film isn't so much about controlling and planning, as it is about exploring and wrestling. It's not that you're going to have it all figured out -- it's that you understand the heart of the film, and have challenged yourself to grapple with what it means to you, to your actors, and to your viewers. So much more than just the words on the page or the shots on your list. It's so that you can get to know your film before you shoot, so instead of meeting it for the first time on set, it's like old friends reconnecting.

I learned that I don't know what people think, at all. Which is a problem when you want to reach an audience. My work around is that I direct with people around me. (Stacyann, I sincerely thank you for your brilliant piece of input, that little tiny suggestion that will make this short film "boom".) I don't have the answers, and I'm not going to even try to pretend that I do.

Some folks have talent. I don't. I just have a desire and a passion. So it's not a problem for me to be influenced by talented people -- provided their egos don't cloud their judgment and waste my emotional energy with drama. (Those people tick me off.)

I am co-dependent. Utterly and completely. It is difficult for me to say what I really think in person. And I know there's a connection between that and my inability to read people. I'm too busy trying.

Wine...don't like the after taste, but have had some good experiences with a pinch of it and friends this week.

Laughter...far more intoxicating than wine.

I have a ravishingly talented wife that I've taken for granted for far too long. Haven't meant to, ever. Just have.

Honest to God, I miss my work when I'm away from it. Media at Vineyard Boise is my Enterprise, and I am her Captain.

Yet, God is also telling me, the ship needs some helmsmen -- because my work might be my Enterprise, but my lady is my lover. Some day, my ship will be decommissioned.

I learned that I need to make more movies more often. And I need to be more bold in bringing that to the Vineyard, as well as to the world.

Christians need films too, and they don't always need to be subtle films.

Balance. If there's one word that sums my learning experience this week, it's balance.

Lastly, I still have no idea what I'm doing... And I'm learning that, when my purpose driven life is simply in Christ, that's okay. Because if I spend too much time planning a vision of my own, I'll miss the real deal for some cheap knockoff.

I was going to write something about...something, but couldn't figure out the wording. So, I'll just say, I love my Family. I can't wait for the Day when we're all together, and the fights are done.

Fruit of the heart

2010-04-07T08:19:00.005-06:00

Here's a movie scene I woke up thinking about this morning (imagine that).

I used to have a problem with that line, as it seemed to fly in the face of what I believe. My beliefs haven't changed, but I realize, for me, what this line means. It's not saying works are why we exist. Rather, what we *do* with our lives reveals who resides within us. We can't say "I'm a Christian" and then live, talk, think and act like the world. By their fruit, you shall know them.

There is a lot of talk right now about President Obama from Christians in and around my circles, some calling him the anti-Christ, others seeming to infer that because he says some nice things about Jesus he's a Christian. Both of these positions are incredibly frustrating to me, because they both take on an assumption that they intimately know the person they're speaking of.

The only one who knows the heart is God, the Author of our Faith, who gives this advice in discerning truthful men and women from ravenous wolves. "By their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:16.

I really don't care what you think about President Obama, fan or hater. What I do care more about is, what fruit are you bearing? Are you living and talking like the world, or are you letting your Maker and Savior, if He truly is your Savior, change you on the inside, causing you to bear a different fruit?

You can't make that happen -- but if your fruit isn't matching up with what you say you believe, consider starting over. There's no shame in that, and more importantly, it's imperative that you do.

I know I want to pray this every day: "God, if my words and actions don't show You, please help me backtrack to the place where I got off, and lead me again."

Do you have what it takes? What does your fruit say about where you're at with Him?

Rehearsal for a short film

2010-04-07T00:05:00.003-06:00

I'm getting ready to shoot a short film this Saturday. Here's the script if you want to read it.

My wife Rachel is playing the lead role, with my friend and co-worker Reggie Coleman taking on the supporting role of the blind man, and Stacyann Metz portraying a "passerby".

Paths: Three Journeys - a short film

2010-04-05T21:55:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm not sure if this qualifies as a short film. I just make the stuff, don't necessarily classify it. But it's not the normal kind of video I shoot for my part of the Church.

As expected, I shot this piece with my Canon 7D. Unlike normal church videos where I have a week or less to shoot and turn around the project, I had over a month to work on this piece. More if you count the time that I spent just staring into space, praying and wrestling with what it would be. I often feel guilty for the amount of time I sit doing "nothing" -- I'm not really doing nothing, but it would appear like that to anyone who wasn't in my head. When I produce my best work, it's when I've had time to sit and absorb...nothing, in my brain. It's like a preparation.

You can't put creativity in a box, you can't put excellence on a schedule. You have to let an artist's mind connect to the heart, and then to the soul, and finally, if you want God's hand in it, to connect to Him. That can take a while, as all the ego, flesh, pride and wickedness (dying, though it may be) must be subdued by the humble admiration of God's majesty.

Anyway...it makes sense to me. And I was blessed to have time to go there, a lot, for this piece.

Here it is.

The Broken Quiet (2010/final cut)

2010-03-17T17:44:00.002-06:00

So, about a year or so ago I once again received feedback on my 2007 film "The Broken Quiet" that went along the lines of, "I really liked your effort, but what was with the chick with the frickin' gun?" (If you've seen the 2007 cut of my first feature attempt, you know what that means.)

It was about that time that TJ Johnson, the lead actor and distributor-in-training (at the time), came to me and suggested that if I did a re-edit of the film, trimming out the problem parts of storyline tangents that were from way out of left field (serial killers, guns and drugs, baby!), the film would probably do better in getting out into the world.

Of course, I knew that he was going to say that as soon as he started talking about the film, because he'd hinted at it before.

And I hated it. Hated the thought of it. I had closed that chapter of my film life, and wanted to move on. But, as often happens, the thing I most resist becomes the thing I must do. So, I started tinkering around with the footage, playing with ideas of how to fix the problem areas...

And soon I found out why my subconscious was in staunchly opposed to opening "The Broken Quiet" back up... Because I ended up needing to re-edit the whole thing. The experience had trained me well, it was a crash course in filmmaking, but now that I'd had a bit more experience under my belt, I saw all the flaws I'd generously swept under the rug of my mind now glaring at me in bright red, like a pimple that needs to be popped.

Most of it came down to the script. It had a good story, but it had far too much exposition, characters telling us what they were thinking instead of just letting the eyes do the talking. So I spent the next year or so trimming, cutting, remixing, recutting...

Now, I think I've finally got a rough cut that's ready to be processed in the sound, color correction, and music department. It's lost 20 minutes, but it's gained an intensity that I always wanted for it, but never quite grasped. It's brevity increases its power, and while all preachiness has been expelled like the demon it is... Somehow, the heart beats louder than ever.

Here's a taste.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with it when it's done, other than let TJ loose on it and start selling it. I've already had a screening for the 2007 version, and I'm still not quite sure if I want to open *that* door again. At least, not for "The Broken Quiet" alone.

I can already feel in my spirit a great release. Finally, the film will soon be all that it can be, and I will have a freed conscience to move on. As always, I am a slave to my art, and it will not release me till it is done with me.

Some things that I've shot with my Canon 7D

2010-02-22T09:27:00.002-07:00

Well, thanks to generous friends and tax returns, I've been blessed to own a Canon 7D for about three weeks, now. I've been playing with it and getting used to the workflow. Here are some things I've shot with it so far.

True to oneself?

2010-02-18T20:58:00.014-07:00

One of the topics I've seen more and more from various arcs within my circle of friends is this issue of being who you are, being true to yourself, etc. Those kind of mantras. I wanted to share my perspective on that.

Whether you believe that we were born into sin, or born into a sinful world and became corrupted, the Word makes it clear that all have fallen short of the glory of God. I need Christ's provision, or I'm incomplete. I'm fallen. I'm broken. I'm not what He made me to be. Now, if you're not a Christian, if you don't subscribe to that faith, then it's fairly easy to disagree with that idea. However, what perplexes me are the Christians who seem to disagree with the Word itself in that regard.

I'm going to talk about myself, and bare something to you that you may or may not know. In my flesh, if I were to be true to the natural desires of my heart, I would be surfing the internet for pornography every night. I would be less inclined to worry about fidelity in my marriage, and probably wouldn't have taken any precautions to ensure that I didn't cheat on my wife. In my flesh, I'm a sex addict. It's a constant act of surrendering that to the Holy Spirit. It's a constant choice to delve into the Word to overcome it.

That's my battle. That's my choice. And more importantly, without Christ, that's who I am. That's my nature.

If I were to be "true to myself" (that is, the natural drives of my physical heart) right now, that's what I would be doing at this moment, instead of posting this blog. And I'd probably be separated, divorced, or somewhere in the middle.

I personally cannot accept being "true to oneself" as any kind of a Christian principle.

Now, look what I just did in the previous paragraphs. I'm not allowing myself to be true to my heart (that is, the sinful, wicked, and thanks to the provision of Christ, dying side of me), but I am being true about myself. I just told you what I am in my flesh.

But I refuse to let that be the truth that shapes me. You see, I have a choice. I can accept that the way my mind works, the sexual appetites of my flesh, and the perverted thoughts that attempt to take me down are my truth, or I can turn to the Truth of the One who created me, and desires something different.

First, there comes an issue of pride, for me at least. You see, aside from the Holy Spirit, the Word, and the prompting of others connected to the Holy Spirit, there's a dying part of me that doesn't necessarily see any harm in lusting after other women. And I have a choice to make. Do I accept that dying part of myself back into the fold, or do I continue to expose him to the Lord, to the people I trust, and, in this case, to the whole damn world?

If we can't be honest about ourselves, we, even as Christians, do end up becoming true to our old selves. At least, that's how I am. I don't know, maybe you're different.

My flawed nature rails against God's original decree that my eyes stay on one woman; that a man and a woman are to be inseparably connected, the two becoming one flesh. My fallen self rails against one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.

In other words, my dying flesh's personal truth (small "t") directly butts its head against the bearer of Truth (big "T"). You want to hear a really sick thing? When that's happened, I've been tempted to re-invent what God says in His Word to "soften the blow", so to speak. Not only am I tempted to become "true to myself", but am tempted to twist the Truth into fitting me.

Here's the punchline. The Truth doesn't fit me, and I don't fit it. I require the One Who Fits Truth to make provision for me. It's His grace, it's His mercy, it's His love. Love, love, love.

But what does He say? What is His command? Is it "be true to yourself, Brandon"? When the woman caught in adultery was forgiven her sins and spared judgment, is that what Jesus said to the woman? No. "Go, and sin no more."

He makes provision. But then He has a command. Because I've been given grace. Grace is a great power. It's freeing, it's liberating, it's empowering.

If you're a Spidey fan, you know what I'm gonna say next.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

I can't change myself, and I've been done trying for a long, long time. But you know what else I'm not gonna change for myself? The Truth.

The Truth is, lust is a sin. Sexual fantasies of other women is as evil as adultery, per the words of Christ. Adultery is sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is not part of God's plan. God created one man for one woman.

That's the Truth. So while I can't change myself, I have a responsibility to stay in His presence and accept His prodding, through people, through the Word, and through His Spirit, to be obedient, even when it doesn't feel like I'm being true to who I am (that is, the deceitful flesh that wants what it wants, takes what it can take, and lies to get it).

You know who wants me to be true to myself? The lion that seeks to destroy me. He wants me to stay where I've been, to return to my past vomit, so that he can tear me apart with guilt, shame, and loneliness again, and again, and again.

I'll be true about myself, so that I won't have keep being true to myself. Instead... let me be true to what Christ has in store for me.

Rendering it down

2010-02-09T11:02:00.005-07:00

For a long time, I tried to balance three different "jobs" so to speak. One was working in the ministry, utilizing my media skills for my part of the Church, the next was making the films God had personally put on my heart to make, and the last was weddings, commercials, and all other kinds of side jobs to help make ends meet, since the first two "jobs" don't pay a lot.

I came to a point of utter collapse and emotional exhaustion, as I was (and am) also a husband, a father, and a son of the King, by the grace of Jesus Christ. The short of it was, my life was not about the relationships I was created for; it was about the tools, the projects, and the income to keep us afloat. It was almost a physical pain for me to actually take time for people and not "work". It took a discipline that wore me down to focus on the people in the moment, and not on what the next thing was that I needed to do.

Constantly, I'd find myself in survival mode: running as fast as I could from "distractions" to my "works", and loathing the times when I couldn't run. I had many almost literal fist to face encounters with God as I wrestled with Him constantly. I knew something about the way I was living my life wasn't pleasing to Him, but I wasn't completely trusting.

I fought when I thought He was threatening to take away my passions, I even bared my teeth when He'd remove me from projects that I envisioned. (By the grace of God, I still stand!) Mind you, this was all (mostly) internalized. The only people who really saw me battle this were my wife and daughter, and usually they'd only hear it as I'd close a door and start yelling violently.

I wouldn't even know why I was yelling, or what was so upsetting to me. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to be with my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my fellow believers. I wanted a simpler life, a life where relationship reigned, and tasks were merely a method to which new relationships could be formed.

But I feared two things, primarily. If I surrendered my passion for filmmaking to God, He wouldn't give it back. And if I trusted Him to provide and not stress over side jobs and finding supplemental income...would He really provide?

God met me with a challenge to trust Him, and I accepted. I surrendered my need for supplemental income, and my desire to make films. He came back to me with this word: "Give your talents to your friends, family, and those needing them, and I will move them to give to you when you need it." The worker earns his wages, for sure, but I had become so focused on the wages and obsessing over it, that I'd lost the ability to just work with others in community. It was always "the next thing".

God rendered me down, and as I took steps of faith and moved past my need for control, I've started to see how to properly function in relationship. See, the ironic thing is, I don't stop working; in fact, sometimes, I work more now. I look for opportunities to intentionally work for and with others without any promise of pay. I have grown a desire to bless others with the tool sets that I have been given.

Why? Is it because I'm sick in the head still? Probably, but I don't think so. When I'm able to come alongside someone and just bless them, just make a video for them, whether it be for a friend who owns a business, or an organization that I believe in, or a pal who works at a news station, and it's just about the people working together to make something happen...it's beautiful. As I've moved in that direction, God has provided financially! It just happens! People give as they feel led to give, I give as I feel led to give, and I don't have to stress over the details.

This also gives me the incredible power to say "no". Because if I don't have to worry about my income, and a project comes along, and I just don't think it fits me, or God's got another schedule for me, or whatever, I don't feel a pressure to accept anyway for the income.

"You're on my payroll, kid." That's what I heard Him say several months ago. I do the things that He has for me, and He'll provide the things He has for me.

And you know what all those "things" are? Is it money? No. Is it tools? No. It's people. It's friends, family, coworkers and fellow artists. It's a collective celebration of giving as I live in and grow in a community that is led by the Spirit and receives, and gives, receives, and gives... to infinity (and beyond!).

So what's the point of all this? What's this ramble about? Simply this. I don't care if what I does "makes me money". I care that I'm blessing the people in my life.

I'm on God's payroll. He's got me. I can trust Him. He might not provide all the flashy cool toys that I want, but He'll give me what I really want. Friends, family, and most importantly... Him.

The Book of Eli - My Review (and a little bit more)

2010-01-27T16:51:00.011-07:00

The Book of Eli is without a doubt the film that has single-handedly impacted me the most in the last year, at least. Some call it ridiculous, others call it beautiful. Some hate it, some love it.

I, though, have a much more personal connection with it.

In 2007, I was wrapping up the first edit of my first feature film, "The Broken Quiet". I began getting visuals for another feature film, and the stories, characters, and plots kept changing, but the title was the same from the beginning: "Chains of Freedom".

I tossed and turned through treatment after treatment, concept after concept, and a narrative began to develop. I wanted to make a film that was one giant metaphor for the Gospel, and more than the Gospel, but the entire Book. I began refining the treatments, the layouts, and finally, the outline, until I was ready, in January of 2009, to sit down and jot down the first draft.

I remember the process as I did it. Rachel had spiritual experiences and dreams of an angel hovering about me, protecting me, guiding me. I felt those experiences, saw shadows move that weren't mine. God was there.

I got feedback from the first draft, and in the spring of 2009, I began writing the second draft. It all became a bit clearer, a bit cleaner, and that draft was sent out, and came back with suggestions from friends and colleagues.

Meanwhile, I was starting to figure out what kind of actors I would want cast for the various roles. Someone like Djimon Hounsou or Denzel Washington for the hero, Gary Oldman or Kevin Spacey for the villian. Assorted other types. Just dreaming.

It would be set in some kind of a Mad Max environment, because I liked the idea of a badass Jesus on a motorcycle.

It was now September. I decided to put it on the back burner for just a little while. In the meantime, I went with some friends to "Surrogates", a Bruce Willis film.

That's when I saw this trailer play on the screen:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT COMPLETELY SPOILER-FREE

Sufficed to say, I was crushed. I felt the wind blow out of my sails. Two years...two years of agonizing over details, scripts, characters...

And it wasn't just that. It was the fact that I felt like God Himself had pulled a bait and switch on me. See, if I had just lost two years of concept development, that's one thing. No biggie. It happens to everyone who's a "nobody" filmmaker, and even some "somebody" filmmakers, right?

What stung, rather, was that God had done all this stuff with dreams, with visions, with mad amounts of inspiration...only to have it all be done, similarly, by someone else. Why, God?

I still don't know the answer...but I know that it greatly enhanced the awe I have for this film (and no, not because it's so similar in character set-up and structure to mine).

I went into this film seeing the very mixed reviews, and was almost tempted to just pass it up, but because I had spent two years on something very similar...I had to see it. I had to. Maybe to breathe a sigh of relief if it sucked and plan to go again in a few years with a different cast, maybe to just hang it up once and for all if it was really good.

I didn't know what I was expecting. But I didn't expect what I got.

I don't want spoil the film for you; there's really not a whole lot to say about the film without ruining the plot. So I'll try to keep it light.

I will say this.

It did a far better job at doing what I wanted to do. It had balls of steel to actually proclaim the Word of the Lord instead of hiding behind metaphors. It was brutal, profane, and filled with humanity's darkness. It reflected the Book Eli was protecting itself, both the Old and New Testaments.

I never cry at a movie. Never. Maybe a sniffle, maybe a gasp, but I just don't cry. I get emotionally involved, but I don't cry. I don't think Passion of the Christ even pulled tears from me.

But this film left me with stained cheeks. It wasn't the film itself; the acting was excellent, but that wasn't what got me. Hearing the Word of God spoken with such...truth...on the silver screen... I don't think I'd ever heard it.

I wasn't going to go nearly that far. I had a more "clever" approach. Yet Denzel Washington helped produce and acted in a film that just said it: the world needs the Word, and the One Who Spoke it.

Two things this film did to me.

One, as a filmmaker, it was a humbling experience. I confess, I've become somewhat proud in the fact that I am a Christian filmmaker who wants to make intense, non-family friendly, real films, that really tell stories, not preach sermons. I'd gotten a bit of a smug smirk on my soul about it. I was Christian, but I was gonna make awesome R-rated films. Because God was gonna use me to do that.

Walking out of that theater, God said, "I don't need you to do anything, kid." He humbled me, lovingly, but truthfully. I realized, again, how small I am, and how small I'll stay, no matter how much success God brings me, if any at all. He reminded me again, why I'm even supposed to be pursuing filmmaking at all - to praise His name.

And if His name is praised, does it matter who's doing the praising? The Apostle Paul didn't seem to think so, he laughed at those preaching the Gospel in envy of him (not that anyone envies me), and said, basically, "As long as Jesus' name is spread, who cares?"

If and when I ever have the pleasure of meeting the Hughes brothers or Denzel Washington, I owe them thanks for that.

Second, and this is the one that really counts, The Book of Eli awakened within me an honest desire and love for the Word. For years, I've tried to push myself into being hungry for it, and while I love prayer and worship, I just couldn't stay interested when I cracked open the Word. It felt too...familiar.

This film shows a world with no Holy Book spared but one, and a very uniquely... restricted... version at that.

It showed a man called to protect it, and ultimately, to embody it. This man spends his entire life, his entire existence, purposing the Word to his mind. And he can never get enough. He's never fully arrived. His last lines are, "God, thank you for the good I was able to do. I'm so sorry about the bad." He was a humble, hungry servant.

It didn't make me feel judged, guilty, or depressed. Rather... it made me hungry.

I watched the film a second time, then went home, found a family Bible Rachel and I were given for Christmas a few years back. It's big, it's bulky, and it kind of reminds me of Eli's fictitious story. Why is it so important to remember a fictitious story?

Because it should be mine, too. I should be so hungry for this blessing that God Himself has protected, through the corrupted hands of men (I have faith for that), that I can never get enough. And it shouldn't truthfully be about the pages, or even the words on the page...

It should be about the words that translate to my soul. Eli demonstrates that in the closing act of the film in a way that, again, drove me to utter tears. A Hollywood film...portrays this? (There's that smugness, that pride, yet again. Thank you Lord, for the kind rebuke.)

So...as I finish typing this quite long ramble about a film and what it did to me (and prepare to see it once more tonight), I thank God for using what I thought was foolish to instruct me.

I thank God that He used this film to remind me that prayer is more about thanksgiving than demands. I thank God that He used this film to remind me that Discipleship is what He cares most about. I thank God that He used this film...to humble me.

I thank God. This is my film. I may not have made it, but I treasure it in my heart.

Project: Morning Rain

2010-01-23T09:12:00.002-07:00

Hey, all, here's a video concerning my other blog, Project: Morning Rain.

If you can help, thank you very much! Please forward this video on to anyone you think would have a heart for this.

www.hall-e-woode.com

2009-12-29T10:33:00.004-07:00

Just a quick note: this blog is now officially my only website, other than Project: Morning Rain. I felt I wasn't doing enough with my original site, giving far more attention to my blogs, and since I can post news, videos, and short films here just as easily as I would on any other site, and I'm here more often...it just made sense.

So I've canceled my webspace, utilizing www.dropbox.com to send files and such to folks that I work with, and have saved myself a cool $11.99 a month. Woohoo!

So, folks, welcome to www.hall-e-woode.com!

A Lesson in Prayer

2009-12-26T13:03:00.010-07:00

Last Monday, I felt the need to visit my part of the Church's prayer ministry during what they call "Soaking Prayer", which takes place every Monday evening. "Soaking Prayer" is simple: a team of two people pray with you in a room with no time limits. Most often it's used for physical healing, but I decided to go for physical healing (I've had surgery to remove my colon in 2001, and would love a new one) and more so, for confirmation that God has been speaking to me about Project: Morning Rain and the modern take on the questions presented in the book of Job.

While being prayed over, one of the things the prayer team spoke over me was that I needed to be bolder in asking for what God's put on my heart, that God won't disappoint. So they led me to ask God aloud for my physical restoration, and waited. Nothing happened, but I felt a great release as I was able to honestly, in the presence of others, ask Him for it. I also received the freedom to accept that sometimes He says "no", even when He moves us to ask. Though I can't reconcile why He would tell me to ask and then say, "No", I'm beginning to get it.

This week was a test further in that direction. As my readers no doubt know well by now, I am without a camera, and am asking God to provide a new one for me in this work by March. I was talking with Him about it, how it is so frustrating that He both freed me from feeling obligated to "side jobs" in order to ensure we can make it and pushed me towards doing the films He has for me, and moved me to donate my camera to my part of the Church.

Then He said, in that small Voice of His, "You could ask that I would give you the Canon 7D for Christmas." My initial reaction, and what I struggled against throughout the week, was the instinct to recoil and think, "He's not going to give it to me, so why bother?" On the other hand, I didn't want to get my hopes up, because He just said I could ask. He didn't say He would say yes.

But in that moment, I made a decision to start asking, that He would provide me with a Canon 7D for Christmas, so that I could more fully provide content for Project: Morning Rain.

Constantly, whenever the thought would come up, I would stop and pray, walking the line of having faith, and not putting my trust in a camera. I kept reminding myself, it wasn't about the camera, it was about me asking my Heavenly Father to give me to the tools I needed to do what He put on my heart to do. I reminded God constantly that He was the One who inspired me to ask for this for Christmas.

On Tuesday, I went to Best Buy to utilize the first $100 that had been donated to buy a portable hard drive for Project: Morning Rain. When I have the completed kit, I will go on a road trip to capture footage for films, interviews, and the like. And I'd need a portable hard drive that would work for that.

I found the unit that would work for me (amazing how small these things are, now), and on my way out, felt the desire to see what cameras were at Best Buy. Surely, not the 7D, I thought. With wife and child in tow, I scanned across the available items, and there, at the very end of the line-up, was the Canon 7D, complete with a lens package for under $2,000. There it was, the thing I was asking for, right in front of me.

If it hadn't been for my wife being such a debt hating Godsend, it would have been so very hard to honor my commitment to God: no more debt for gear. I was not going to make it happen for myself.

Yet there it was, with a finance option of no interest for 18 months. Nevermind that our income isn't enough as it is, that there would be no way to pay that off in time, that, because God moved me to give up side jobs, there's no way any kind of extra money is coming in save through God's providence and His people.

It was there. I tested it, played with it; then walked away. I can tell you this intensified my prayers; oh that someone would see that camera and think of me! I fought desperately, all the more, to focus on asking for what was on my heart, not telling God how it should go down. He told me to pray for it for Christmas, not to tell Him how to make it happen.

The rest of the week, whenever the thought came up, I would pray it, and, as quick as it came, it would leave. I could sense in the back of my mind God saying, "It's not about the camera", and I began to sense what it was He was really doing, but I didn't want to set aside my faith that He might still do this thing -- that was part of the lesson.

I continued, and found myself praying more, and more. And for many things, not just for the 7D. Often it would start with the 7D due to a thought, but then my prayers would quickly wander to other people, families, friends with marriages in tough places, my part of the Church, and many other things.

Strangely, while the thing that drove me to pray was this little camera, I wouldn't stay there long. Again, I began to realize what it was God was really doing, but I felt Him say, "Don't stop praying for that 7D."

The short of it? Christmas came and went, and there is still no camera. (Yet.) But I don't feel disappointment. I know that God knows I need the right tools to get the job done, and I honestly believe this whole thing, months ago, started because He put it in my heart that the current tools I had were too big, too bulky, for what He had for me next.

But at the end of the day, it's not about the tools. Rather, it's bringing everything, whether small or big, before the Father, constantly. I know that my Father will not give me a snake when I have asked for a loaf of bread. I know that my Savior and Lord has put these dreams in my heart, to glorify him with the visions of stories and adventures in my head. And somehow, this experience, this week, strengthened, rather than weakened, that knowledge.

I told Rachel earlier in the week about this, and she said she was concerned that if God didn't deliver, I'd get depressed. I don't think I am. It's difficult. It's really hard right now not to think about how to make it happen, how to justify picking up just a little bit of side work, or to figure out how to make 18 months worth of payments before the interest kicks in, or to...or to...or to...

But I remember the goodness of my God, the people He's placed in my life, and the wealth of the Spirit that I've so often taken for granted (or worse, mistrusted), and it passes. I may have to remind myself multiple times, but it passes. He doesn't want me to scheme and plan, because He wants to have the pleasure of blessing me. It's His joy more than mine.

And whether it's from Best Buy, or from donations, from checks or cash, from men or from angels...I know that He's promised me a camera for this new season. I know it's coming soon. And furthermore...I know it's not about the camera at all.

So I wait with expectation, and I keep praying. I pray every time any thought about anything comes to me, now, because I am so excited to come before my Father with my requests, and leave with more insights than requests I had entered with.

Flyin' by the seat of our pants!

2009-12-15T07:08:00.002-07:00

Rachel and I have been in a time of financial testing for the last 19 months. When our daughter entered this world, we both knew that the best thing for her was to have her mother working at home. Effectively, this chopped our income in half. We had stock piled about $5,000 in savings over the last several months in preparation for this, to help buffer us, as our budget is at least on any given month $200 more than our income is now.

The last few months have been the definition of adventure, as God has been using anonymous friends and family (or "friemily", as I like to call them), to help us make it. We've reached the bottom of the barrel, the end of the rope, and yet somehow, God has always found a way to sustain us.

This month has been a stretch. We've had extra expenses, unexpected doctor bills, and lots of other fun surprises. In the midst of it, we've anonymously been given $300 by two generous givers in order that we can make our mortgage payment. Now I just have to figure out how to pay the rest of the bills, and soon, because some of our bills are electronic, and could throw us under the bus, so to speak.

In the midst of it, yesterday we took Juliette to the doctor, as she's been again exhibiting signs of an intestinal genetic disorder that runs through my family (I'm what they call a gutless wonder), so we're now looking forward to genetic counseling, blood tests, and possibly (probably, I'm just ready for it) eventual surgery to remove my kid's colon.

Oh yeah, and in the midst of it, God's calling me to stop scrambling for side jobs and to focus on doing what He's put on my heart to do with my life, which is two simple things: produce media for my part of the Church, and make the films He has for me to produce. While the former doesn't pay much at all, the latter could potentially pay...key word..."potentially"...and far in the future. So it's a great Divine gamble.

To solidify it all, God moved me to give up my personal HD camera and trust Him to give me a new one. I think He wants me focused on these things. But this also means side jobs will be pretty hard to come by for a man who specializes in video work. (He did promise to get me a new camera exclusively for my films...but that's for another blog post.)

And He says, every morning, "I've got you, son."

So, I'm waiting. Waiting for another batch of money to sustain, waiting for bills to disappear, whatever. He's creative, He'll figure it out, and I believe He won't let us see financial ruin.

But if He does? Eh, worse things could happen. I still have lungs to breathe, I still have a heart that isn't hard, I still have eyes that can water, and I have a hot wife and a gorgeous daughter that is a kick to be around.

So, I've decided to have fun with this time. I'm not just surrendering my anxiety. I'm not just praying instead of worrying.

I'm putting on my Fedora, powering up the fanfare, and stepping out to trade slugs with a big Nazi.

And it's going to be fun.

In the words of my hero, Indiana Jones:

"I dunno, I'm makin' this up as I go!"

Getting closer to the Voice of God

2009-12-04T11:48:00.016-07:00

Last week, as I was doing some self-examination and praying, I felt God speak to me that one major character flaw that I have not yet addressed is that deep down, I see the Word as resource, but not as recreation. I open the Book when I think I need to hear something from God, but not necessarily just to rest in the "hot tub" of God's truth and let it massage out the kinks. He showed me how I still often rely on other things to chill and relax.

God assured me that I could just sit in His presence with His WORD, and I would be both edified and refreshed.

I felt led to start searching online for some kind of Bible study tool; I wanted to do something more in depth than just reading...I always read it, but I've never really been focused on unpacking the scriptures. Perhaps just like Americans take freedom for granted, being raised by a Bible "superman" like my Dad has made me content to rely on his insights.

I found an inductive study guide that was just right for me. I didn't want to be told what to think, I didn't want any kind of external commentary on what I was reading; I just needed some basic guidelines on how to get more out of the words on the page. I wanted to be able to stretch my mind, and have it stretched, without anyone else's agenda getting in the way or influencing me with human logic.

Praying about what I should focus on, God gave me a picture of starting from the beginning. Not the beginning of the Bible, but rather, what every Christian should begin with, the Gospel itself. Many times past I've tried to start in Genesis and move chronologically through the WORD, because, well, that's what feels "right". But God really moved me to look at it from the perspective of a new believer, and not to be ashamed to return to that perspective. "If you do not become like a little child..."

Then, at that point, it was obvious. The Gospel of John, I think, is the easiest, simplest, most cut and dry account of Jesus.

The inductive process I found and printed out outlined four steps to unpacking and exploring a book of the Bible for oneself. The first step was to do an overview reading and to jot down thoughts and things that interested me as I went along the way. A light read, I nevertheless spent a few days in it, an hour or two at a time.

The second step was to really evaluate what I had read, and I started to jot down a few things, which turned into a few more things, which turned into a paragraph. I'd like to post the most profound thing that I gleaned from my first read-through (with a few added thoughts as I type it in now, in brackets):

True belief is shown by obedience, by action. My actions [however] do not save or condemn me; they merely expose the heart. I must not only seek forgiveness and repentance [for my shortcomings], but study my fruit and bring it to God, staying in His presence so He might finish the work He started. [This then is total honesty with God, myself and with others.] This is why I must spend more time in the WORD [which, John tells us, IS Christ]. Then I will be in His presence, and He can operate on me. This is not a one appointment deal.

I really felt that was from the Lord; just me rephrasing and compacting all the words of Christ that I'd read.

So, this week, I began steps three and four. It was a work week, so I wouldn't have as much time to delve into the WORD as the week prior. God purposed it in my heart to give my lunch hour to Him. While it is a bummer not being able to see my wife and daughter during that hour, I feel it is necessary for the work God is doing.

Wednesday, I was driving to Jack in the Box, and was going to buy a Chicken Sandwich for $1 (because I'm poor), plus a small soda, to enjoy while I sat with the WORD for about an hour. Jack in the Box has recently added Strawberry Fanta to their soda roster, and I love Strawberry Fanta. I was already tasting it in my mouth as I drove down the road.

As I neared the stoplight before Jack's, I felt God say, I want to help pay for your lunch.

"Okay," I replied.

I pulled up, set up my yellow notepad and Bible on a table, then stepped up to the cashier. A woman was in front of me, making a huge order. I didn't think anything of it, wasn't in a hurry. Peaceful. She finished, and the cashier handed the lady her small soda cup.

The lady looked at it and shook her head, "I don't want it." She turned, looked to me and said, "Give it to him."

I'll admit, that was weird. I guess part of me still has been thinking that the Voice I hear might just be me, my own insanity. That was a cool little confirmation. I took the soda cup, thanked the lady, and ordered my Chicken Sandwich.

Thursday, I was headed out to eat lunch with the WORD, and I felt God say, I just want to buy you lunch today.

"Okay," I said aloud.

Go to Carl's Jr. Start reading your Bible, don't order. If I don't provide lunch for you within half an hour, you can order your own food.

Sounded good. I was kind of doubting that one. That was a stretch. The soda cup thing was kind of cool, but this was a bit more of a gamble. With Wednesday's scenario, I was at least in a place of obvious want. I was in line to order. It wasn't hard for the woman to see that I could use the cup she didn't want.

But now I was at a table, with my notepad and my Bible, writing, out of sight of the line. Was someone gonna just walk up and...

As I read and wrote, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a man walk up to me. I looked at him: it was Stephen, a co-worker at the church.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. I told him. "Weird," he said, "I wasn't planning on eating in, but for some reason when the lady asked if I wanted it for 'here' or 'to go', I said 'here'."

Then he plopped his debit card on my Bible and told me to get some lunch.

I didn't get a whole lot of reading done in that hour. Stephen and I ate together and talked about family, work, life, etc. For a second I felt guilty that I wasn't reading, then I felt God quickly shush that, reveal it to be Satan's work, and said, "This is Me, too. You with others, with The Family." So I put it aside, ate, talked, and then went back to work.

It's really not much in the grand scheme of things. And yet, it is. It's huge.

This same Voice has told me to do things, and I sometimes haven't obeyed, because I wondered, questioned, feared. Earlier this year, He told me to pray for a woman's sight to be healed, and I didn't, because I was fearful. Was it really God? Now I know. It was. There's no condemnation, merely an encouragement that, next time, I'll know, and I will do.

Also, it gives me another measure of faith for a promise He made to me -- again, a relatively small thing, but to me, it's huge. God told me to give my camera to my church home. He told me He would give me the new camera that I wanted. When I find myself saying, "If the Lord wills it," I've actually heard Him say, with a laugh, Shut up, I will it. You're getting it.

So I've started saying, in the confidence of my Father, "When I get my new camera," like a child when they boast of the goodness of their earthly father to hold fast to his word. His WORD.

Praise be to God, who in times of want, and times of plenty, is ever the same. May I hold steadfast to His WORD, and may His goodness be my only source of hope and purpose. No thing, no person, no circumstance. Only Him.

A Test

2009-11-28T15:00:00.006-07:00

The phone rang, so I picked it up.

It was my friend Zach, who works at a local camera store and had someone looking for a Canon XH-A1, who was willing to spend $4k. I had wanted to sell my XH-A1 for $4k, and Zach was holding my information for anyone that happened to pop by in search of one.

He asked me what I wanted to do. If you've read my previous two blog posts, you know that God took me on a journey, from being willing to give the money I made from the sale to the church, to flat out giving the church my camera. But I hadn't made the trip to the church to hand it off just yet, as it was Thanksgiving week.

I thought for a second. Should I sell and give the money to the church? I remembered what Doug said, "If you sell your camera, the church will have to replace your camera anyway." (Due to the fact that I use my own gear for the church as well.) So that wouldn't work.

Then the thought hit. $4,000 is $1,000 off from having enough money to buy the body of a Canon 1DmkIV.

Boom. That was it. It was a test.

"No, Zach," I said, "I'm gonna give my camera to the church."

He understood and let me go.

I sat down, picked up my Bible (as I was in the middle of studying The Gospel of John), and I felt God stop me and say, "You just turned down a near certain $4,000, son."

"I know, I did it willingly," I replied aloud.

I could sense the distant sting of regret, but I was so removed from my flesh in that moment, I could barely feel it.

"I trust You, God, to give me more than I've asked for. I don't have to make this happen," I said in my heart. "Though," I followed up, "I really do want a Canon 1DmkIV."

I'm pretty sure I heard a chuckle and felt a pat on the shoulder at that point.

And that was it.

Loaves and Fish Part II

2009-11-23T11:18:00.009-07:00

This is a sequel of sorts to my last entry, "Loaves and Fish" -- so much so that I came up with terribly inspired title, "Loaves and Fish Part II".

November 22nd was an early morning for me. The Vineyard Boise, the part of the body of Christ I call home, was celebrating its 20th anniversary. As the Director of Media Production, my biggest responsibility is Sunday, mixing videos and camera angles, and recording the services for web and DVD distribution.

The aforementioned camera that I currently own finds itself regularly employed in my use as a third camera angle on Sundays, and this Sunday would be no different. I walked up to the station's tripod, took out my camera, locked it on, and hooked it up to the coax feed running through the floor of the sanctuary back to the mixer.

I recall God making some kind of joke, at least it seemed like Him, but for the life of me I can't remember it. Probably not important to this story, but I just remember that He said something funny, and made me chuckle a little.

I made my way back to the production booth, and got everything up and running. A thought struck me, and I looked back to this camera in the corner, currently mine, but not for long. Call me pathetic, but I get attached to my gear, not in a matter of identity, but the fondness one develops for his favorite tool. It's almost a friendship.

Then a thought hit me, "You could just give your camera to the church, instead of selling it and giving the money from the sale to the church. Then, you know where your camera is, what it's being used for...and you won't have to deal with eBay. You'd probably get more of a tax credit than what you could sell it for, anyway."

That last line caused me to halt. Was that God? Or my rationale? Was my flesh trying to do something to spoil my gift? After all, the whole point of this was to help with the church's mortgage.

I approached my friend and fellow worker Doug, who had offered to help me with eBay if I needed him. Point blank, I told him the thoughts that had crossed my mind, and what I was originally considering, and asked him, "Is this the same thing as that?"

He looked at me and replied, "If you sell your camera, we have to buy a replacement camera."

Hm. Hadn't thought about that. Because the church had become so dependent on my personal gear (not a new thing -- I often fill the gap with my own stuff), if I were to sell my gear, it could potentially actually cost the church, because while they'd have maybe $2,000 or so to put towards the mortgage, they'd have to spend $3,000 or more to replace my camera.

It was at about that point that I found myself looking up at the heavens (well, actually the ceiling) and wagging my finger at God, saying aloud, "I see what you did, there."

So, this week or next (depending on how this week looks, because I have the week off), I'll be dropping by the office and giving the church my gear, getting a receipt of donation, and waiting six months to see what God does through tax returns or other means.

In the interim, I've already had one friend just today offer to give me, for free, a very nice lighting kit with some awesome accessories. I haven't even given Jesus my loaves and fish yet and He's already bringing the new gear in!

I'm excited to see what's next. And it's very fitting that this is Thanksgiving week.

Loaves and Fish

2009-11-18T18:52:00.013-07:00

If you've been following me on Twitter and/or Facebook, you've seen the recent flurry of posts about cameras and the new exciting (and relatively cheap -- well, in the context of video) technologies that are emerging. You've seen that I've been quite talkative about wanting to sell gear to get my hands on it.

Back to that in a minute.

This Sunday, on a campus that services a part of the body of Christ (Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Boise), four of my Pastors (one of them being my pop, Pastor Mike Freeman), held a panel discussion as we closed the book of Philippians. They proposed that our part of the church (the whole body of Christ -- I'm making a point NOT to identify individual pieces of the body as the church, due to personal development and consideration; it is, rather, a part of the church, of which all Christians are a part of, like it or not...but I digress) take what they called a "Philippians fast", based on Paul's words to the Philippian church, which is illustrated by the diagram below:

FAST/FEAST

Self-ambition/Service

Anxiety/Asking God

Coveting/Contentment

The point of this fast is to truly embrace the Christian life, as Paul described and lived it, as Christ Himself lived it. More specifically, our Pastors asked us to be praying for the future of this part of the body of Christ as we cross a major threshold, entering 20 years of existance and looking forward to the next 20 years. Those who attend the Vineyard and participate in it are being asked to seek God's guidance, to focus on the Philippian's fast this week, and to physically fast on Thursday while praying, and then give what we hear from God to our leaders (honestly, not simply taking it as a chance to tell them off), truly showing that it is God who is leading us, not somebody's grand idea.

Anyway.

What does one thing have to do with the other?

As I've been striving to concoct a way to afford a new camera, one that accomplishes what I currently cannot, I've been preparing to sell my current gear on eBay. In the midst of my struggles and human nature, I felt God strike me today (as a friend would strike another's shoulder; not violently, but firmly and lovingly) and challenge me to continue on my course of action, but to give what I make from the sale to God in the form of dedicating my money specifically to Vineyard Boise's remaining mortgage on the property.

Of course, my first thought was, "Well, God, would it not be more effective to at least dedicate the money to my own debt?"

His reply, "Trust me to take care of you."

"But, God," I said, "I want this camera gear."

"Trust me to take care of you."

"Okay, Lord," I said, "but understand that I'm taking that to mean you are going to take care of our debt and provide the gear that I need. I mean, if I have nothing, I can't even do side jobs, really."

"Trust me to take care of you."

And since then, I've been at peace with it. I firmly believe that I'm going to see God do something incredible. It feels just "wrong" enough that it could be right.

I know what many would say; I can already hear the voices. But isn't it about time I actually just do what God's telling me to do?

God challenged me with it this way: when I really want something, I might seek the counsel of others, but I'm pretty stuck to what it is I want. Yet, when I am looking for a way out, the slightest hint of doubt from anyone is all I need to back off and go back to the status quo.

I'm reminded of when I felt God speak to me, several months ago, to pray for a woman's sight to be restored to her, but it didn't feel safe, because we weren't in service, I had no "support team" of fellow believers around me, and what if I had heard wrong?

I already felt myself reasoning on the drive home today -- "Well, maybe I'll wait a bit and see..."

See what? See if I can negotiate? See if I can figure out a way to get what I want now?

And then the question: What do I want, anyway? A camera? That falls apart, that burns, that ceases to be? A tool, a means to an end? Is God not big enough to give me what I need, when I need it? Is He not gracious enough to go far beyond that?

So, I went to bhphotovideo.com, and I created a "wishlist". Set it to private. Put all the things in there I think I need, not holding back. It totaled to more than I could hope to make from the sale anyway. Not unreasonable (again, by video standards) -- actually, still, for anyone with a good income, it's simply a good investment, but for me, it might as well be a million dollars. I'm sharing the list with no one.

I wrote in the comments section of the list, "God, this is just between you and me. This is what I'm asking YOU to provide. I think this is what will work. Your will, not mine." I firmly believe, obviously, if God's omnipresent, if I can see it, He can.

So there's a digital wishlist hidden somewhere within bhphotovideo's server that is basically the altar upon which a sacrifice is sitting. I'm sacrificing my ability to get it. I'm giving up schemes and ideas, hopes and wishes, because if it isn't all about Him, what good's a camera? If I'm not making films for Him, what good's a camera? If I'm not surrendering all I am to Him, what good's a camera?

I will be getting a friend of mine to help me sell my camera gear on eBay, hopefully by the end of the week. I'm writing this here to hold me accountable. I'm also writing this as a testament, because I believe that God is going to take my loaves and fish and do something crazy with it.

After all, if everyone was fed when Jesus multiplied that boy's offering...then the boy was fed, too. So much so that twelve baskets of leftovers were left when five thousand people were finished.

It's out of my want, that my gifts go the farthest. Not that anything I do is truly that important, but for some reason, God takes a shine to the poor man who gives away the one nice thing he has for something bigger than himself. The widow who gives her last two pennies gives more than the rich man who tithes a million ever will.

I believe God has physical prosperity in store for me, but for what He wants me to do with it, not for me to desire it. Perhaps this is part of that process, to kill any part of me that is attached to any physical thing. So that I may be, as Paul, content in plenty or in want.

With a camera, or without one.

With a dream, or without it.

Because, if it doesn't come from Him, what good is it anyway?

One final thing I want to speak to, as many have been burned by what is called the "prosperity doctrine", which is a twisted, humanized version of what God has for us, I believe.

I believe there is nothing wrong with giving with the expectation of receiving back beyond what I gave, and even expecting it in physical form. That's not the love of money. The love of money is holding and hoarding. If I give, and receive greater, then I give again, and on and on.

It's called "getting to give". I believe God has called me to give a lot to the people in this world. But if I don't have the ability to give, then even what I have will be taken away, and I will have buried my talents in the dirt in disbelief.

I'll update you all when I've got my gear on eBay, when I get the money, and when it's given to the part of the body of Christ known as Vineyard Boise.

Where things are at...

2009-10-31T13:56:00.000-06:00

Hey all!

Thanks for your many prayers, concerns, and supporting comments during this time of transition for my next film endeavor.

I wanted to let you all know that the next steps have been taken, and a large move forward is in process. No longer are we talking about "Chains of Freedom"; that film is not dead, but is going to gestate for a while.

I am going to keep the next film's content under wraps for the time being, but here's what you can expect to be seeing in the next few months.

I just met with three people who are now the writers for this film. They are taking on the job of developing the concept, creating an outline, researching the topic, and developing seven drafts of a screenplay. This process will take roughly a year between the three of them. They are very passionate and are excited for what God's going to do with this.

In the meantime, while I let them do their thing, I am working on this film from an "ending perspective" - I'm focusing on where I want this film to go, what I want it to do, and how I want it to get there.

Next week, I will be meeting with another group, which I hope will develop into a production and marketing taskforce. I will be discussing more of these end goals with them, and work the project backwards, from the end to where it is now.

The end goal is to have a film released in the spring of 2012, and to utilize various social media networks (such as Facebook) to help generate a genuine demand. It is my hope that through this process, people will be buying tickets in advance, and we'll have enough of a push to get this into a number of theaters across the country.

Let me stress at this point that this is not (at least I pray it won't be) like "Fireproof" (no offense to its creators or to those who like that film or others like it) -- it will not merely seek an audience of those open to the message of the Gospel. It will not be a sermon. Rather, it will be, simply, a good story, which happens to have a good number of Christians involved in its production. I've talked with a lot of atheists, agnostics, and secularists, and most seem intrigued by the idea of a good film that is Christian-based, but just tells an honest story without preaching, without demanding that the audience agree with what it says.

I want to make that film.

Right now I'm believing that this film will need a budget of around $200,000, as a lot of this will be a labor of love for many. However, my dream, and the reason I am looking at this from the end to the beginning, is that the film is not only a labor of love, but beneficial to the laborers, particularly those pioneers who are already jumping on board now because they believe in me - I want their faith to be rewarded as many times over as possible.

So, stay tuned! Once the film is more solidified, we will be developing a Facebook "fan page" as well as an actual website for the project, and we'll have much more information then, including ways you can connect and help us.

The biggest vision and goal I have for this project is to make something entirely outside of the old system (nothing against the old system), and I believe, the way to accomplish that is to include the online communities in the film's pre-production, production, and post-production, without spoiling the story itself, so that the audience can still enjoy and be surprised by the film.

We will be looking for financial support, for prayer support, for marketing support; just from the people, not from the studios.

More to come,
Brandon

Easing up on the reins...

2009-10-27T16:00:00.001-06:00

So, I've been going through a rather liberating experience with my latest short film, "The Janitor", which I'm hoping to shoot on 35mm. I talked with a local film guru, and he was saying, the more writers I can bring on who are locally known, the better shot I have at getting funding.

Well, I ended up deciding to take a risk, so to speak, and wrote down the story I had in my head on paper, as a 4 page short story with no dialogue, and handed it off to another writer. I haven't seen the first draft yet, but already, I'm seriously considering doing this again, if not regularly, with all of my films, including my next feature.

The part of writing that I enjoy is the story itself, getting from point A to B to C. The areas that I have to struggle with, and get the most feedback on, are dialogue points, and matters of pacing. Story itself I have virtually no struggle with. I could flip out 20 good stories in a week, I'm sure of it. It's the technical aspect that I battle with. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed it, but 9 times out of 10 my dialogue is either too wordy or too...whatever.

It's all a part of this process of letting go, of focusing on my strong points and releasing the areas I don't really want to tackle, anyway (and having a good pool of folks to pull from).

So, anyway, I'll be looking to do that more often. This is fun. :)

(I'm also hoping to do this with music -- I love scoring, but I'd really like someone knowledgeable to take my scribblings and synthesized pieces and bring it to an orchestra. Hopefully, that happens with "The Janitor" as well.)

Check out my latest film!

2009-09-28T02:50:00.002-06:00

A short post, this one is, because I've already done a fair bit of writing and don't feel like re-posting it here. Instead, click here to see and read about my latest film, "Missed, Taken."

Then come back here and tell me what you think!

God is there

2009-08-18T15:06:00.000-06:00

So, our budget has been taking a major beating for the last year and a half, as my wife stopped working so that we could have her stay at home and raise our child. It's what we both want, and see it as an investment into the child's future.

Anyway, before the wife quit her job, we piled up $5,000 from the time we found out she was pregnant until the April before the birth (about 7-8 months), to help us coast on just my income.

Since then, we've burned up all our savings, and the only thing keeping us afloat is the occasional side job that comes my way -- otherwise, every month our budget is $400 more than our income. And yes, I still tithe in spite of that.

Well, this August has gotten really rough. We were down to $40 in checking after bills. $25 in savings. We're on WIC (government program for mothers and kids thingy, for milk, bread and cereal, stuff like that), but we make too much for food stamps.

Anyway.

I've been battling depression over it, because I feel like I'm powerless. Nobody's really biting on any big video side jobs, just little $100-$200 things here and there, and those little things suck me dry from being able to make any real legit progress on my films or planning out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life.

So, this Sunday, or maybe Monday, I'm in the car, driving, and I'm keeping my cool, but I'm just telling God, I'm just done. I'm asking Him if He's there, if He hears me, and I say, "God, I need a thousand dollars". I dunno, I just picked the number out of the air.

I come in this morning, there's an envelope waiting for me with my name on it. There's a letter inside, with printed words, "God placed it upon our hearts to provide this to you this morning. God bless you!" No name.

Inside the letter is ten $100 bills.

'Nuff said.

Faith, Doubt, Grace and Becoming Obedient

2009-07-25T09:16:00.004-06:00

Whenever I start envying those in the faith who've had authentic visions and have obviously been very powerfully contacted by God, I remember what Jesus told Thomas, who had to see the holes in Christ's resurrected body in order to believe.

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

I question every day when I've actually heard God, because I do have a lot of voices that bounce around due to my vivid and wild imagination.

The only clue I have is that it's always the one that enters with a quiet but dominant "Hush" that silences every other thought. I always hear that, but am sad to say I have not always obeyed.

I had a recent experience with this.

There was a blind woman at my church during the week, as I was walking out of the office (I work there as the Media Director). I was heading out to my car for lunch. She was leaving as well, with a walking stick. She seemed a bit frustrated.

I saw her, was walking behind her for a moment, and that's when all other thoughts exited and all I heard was, "Pray for her sight to be returned to her."

I was terrified. First, how could I know that was really God? What if it wasn't? And...why me? Damn it, why me?

I just kind of stood by my car, watching her. I wanted to obey...but...what if it wasn't true? What if it wasn't...real?

Not the first time I doubted, won't be the last (because I know me), but the throbbing thought wouldn't leave. It literally hurt to get into the car and drive away.

On the drive home, there was no condemnation, no "I suck" feeling. Just absolute silence. Not the silence of no one there, but rather, the Big Guy in the passenger seat, looking at the road ahead. And no other thought was able to penetrate.

I tried to liven the conversation by saying, "God, I'm sorry I didn't go pray for her. I just couldn't know for sure if it was you, you know? I hear stuff all the time, and it's just kind of fleeting, wishful, you know?"

No response.

"So, I'll get in Your Word when I get home and, if You could have me open to some passage that confirms that was Your voice, I'll never hesitate again. I'm sorry, God."

Still silence.

I got home, cracked open the book, and landed, I can't even remember where, but it was irrelevant. Some never ending lineage. I flipped back and forth, maybe I'd opened to the wrong page...

Then I heard Him again, very clearly, and I froze as He said, "When are you going to stop treating the Bible like a damned lucky charm, boy? I told you to do something, you didn't do it, now move on. That was Me, boy. Grow up."

(Understand, God doesn't necessarily speak to me in words, but in thought. It's always a paraphrase, because it's pure energy when I hear/feel Him. But yes, I'm pretty sure God said "damned".)

Anyway, that happened a few weeks ago, but I guess the reason I'm sharing is, not everybody gets the visions. But the more we pursue Him, the more it becomes about others, and not about ourselves. If it's only about ourselves, and our fears, and our need to be recognized as spiritual or God's chosen or whatever, then we have to ask some hard questions, as I had to ask some hard questions of myself after that moment.

I do believe, Lord help me with my unbelief. Help me to become so radically willing to trust Your Voice that my willingness overrides my fear of looking foolish.

"Scandalous" Movies...?

2009-07-23T10:31:00.007-06:00

Before I write anything else, I must attribute the inspiration of this brain fart to my friend and co-worker Jerry.

Reading imdb.com (sadly, I do check it daily for Hollywood news -- I know, I know...) I found a rather interesting article, which I will post here:

Campbell's Bollywood Bomb Attacked By Hindus

23 July 2009 5:06 AM, PDT

Naomi Campbell's new Bollywood movie has opened to dreadful reviews in India - and now Hindus have taken aim at the film.

Campbell’s first Bollywood venture Karma, Confessions and Holi has bombed badly at the box office, with local critics calling the film an "undignified disaster” and an "unholy mess”.

And now religious leaders are letting their feelings be known about the movie, which was directed by Manish Gupta and co-produced by Robert De Niro’s daughter Drena.

Rajan Zed, the president of Universal Society of Hinduism, tells WENN, "Hindus have strongly objected to the usage of Hindu terminology in movies and Karma, Confessions and Holi has nothing much to do with karma or Holi.

"Hindus welcome world filmmakers making films about Hindu subjects but taking Hinduism seriously and respectfully and not reimagining its concepts and symbols just for mercantile greed. Holi and karma have definite meaning for devotees, and improper usage of such terms is not Ok."

Now, reading this, at first I want to chuckle a little because, I'm sorry, I just find it funny. But then, as I'm chatting with Jerry, we both had this thought...what if the article looked like...this?

Campbell's Bomb Attacked By Christians

23 July 2009 5:06 AM, PDT

Naomi Campbell's new Hollywood movie has opened to dreadful reviews in Colorado Springs - and now Christians have taken aim at the film.

Campbell’s Hollywood venture Jesus, Mary and Joseph has bombed badly at the box office, with local critics calling the film an "undignified disaster” and an "unholy mess”.

And now religious leaders are letting their feelings be known about the movie, which was directed by Manish Gupta and co-produced by Robert De Niro’s daughter Drena.

James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, tells WENN, "Christians have strongly objected to the usage of Christian terminology in movies and Jesus, Mary and Joseph has nothing much to do with Jesus.

"Christians welcome world filmmakers making films about Christian subjects but taking Christianity seriously and respectfully and not reimagining its concepts and symbols just for mercantile greed. Jesus, Mary and Joseph have definite meaning for devotees, and improper usage of such terms is not Ok."

I don't even fully know what point I'm making by the contrast...maybe just thinking a movie is...well...just a movie, and we all should either go see a movie...or stay home?

"Missed, Taken" and "Un"

2009-07-15T09:33:00.012-06:00

Well, I blink and 2+ months have passed since my last blog posting. Yikes!

So, Chains of Freedom is still chugging along, the second draft is taking its time in getting me feedback from others, but I've had plenty of other things to keep me busy while I wait!

"Missed, Taken"

First up, I just co-wrote, shot and edited a new short film for entry into this year's Idaho International Film Festival, a film entitled "Missed, Taken". It's all wrapped and ready to show, but I'm going to wait to post it until it's debuted this September. Featuring once again a lead performance by TJ Johnson, "Missed, Taken" was a unique experience for me in that TJ, as producer, explicitly stated that he wanted only pro actors for this cast.

Working with an all pro cast is quite different from working with first-timers or amateurs. These folks knew their craft, came prepared and knew their characters. I didn't have to introduce them to the folks they were playing (though at first, being accustomed to directing "newbies", I tried to).

After the first big day of filming, I asked TJ to give me some feedback on my directing. He really encouraged me to trust the actors more to come to the table prepared, and to direct in the form of questions if something didn't work for me. For example, during the second big day of filming, when TJ's character meets with another, the other character delivers a line that is meant to be kind of a joke.

TJ played the reception of that line as being insulted. That wasn't quite what I was wanting from TJ, and, using the feedback he gave me the week before, I asked him what he was thinking at his response. He told me his character felt belittled by the zinger. I then was able to pinpoint the exact thought process and tweak it, instead of broadly handling his whole performance. I asked TJ to consider that his character was so excited for an upcoming event that he didn't care if he was insulted or not. Bingo. The next run-through was exactly what I needed.

Filming "Missed, Taken" was a blast, and I had a lot of fun exploring what it means to direct pro actors. Today the screener DVD and submission letter are off for the Idaho International Film Festival's consideration. I'll let you know if and when it's accepted.

"Un"

Secondly, I'm developing a concept for an online serial drama series, entitled "Un". The short of it is a man wakes up with no memory of who he is, and seeks to discover the life that was stolen from him. I'm keeping the story details low key right now, but here's what I'm looking at for a production plan.

The presentation format will be prepared for weekly online distribution, in approximately ten minute segments, spread over thirteen months. In actuality, each segment will be but one act within a forty to sixty minute episode. There will be, proposed, thirteen episodes in all. These episodes, upon completion, will then be packaged in their longer formats as a DVD set.

The production format will be bi-monthly, one month given to writing and pre-production, the next month given to production and post-production, with the episode then displayed over the course of the following third month, weekly. On that third month, while the ﬁnished episode begins its debut, the process for the next episode begins. The total amount of time, then, spent on this project will be roughly fourteen to ﬁfteen months once we begin.

Budget will most likely be non-existent, and I will depend on volunteer casts and crew. This will be, for me and for the others involved, a work of passion. However, we will arrange agreements on how to distribute any potential proﬁt we see from the DVD sales (or other proﬁts that become possible), speciﬁcally among those that regularly contribute.

Due to the lack of budget, we will be shooting guerilla style, hand-held, while refraining from any form of zooming. We will need an effects team to create, cheaply yet effectively, this not so distant future. Shots will be tight, and stories will be entirely character driven to keep the need for elaborate effects and stunts down as much as possible. Locations will be a challenge, as a lot of this is within a city, albeit, a small city, one that, conveniently, will resemble Boise, Meridian, Nampa and perhaps Caldwell, as we have need.

My role in all of this will be as the top producer and chief writer, as well as the editor, composer and occasional director (though I do hope to bring in other guest directors for many of the episodes).

I'll keep you all up to date on that as it develops as well.

Re-scoring

2009-05-08T18:16:00.004-06:00

I've been re-editing my first feature film, "The Broken Quiet", from scratch for about two or three months, now. Since the structure of the film has completely changed, the old musical score really doesn't fit at all. I had too choices going into this -- tweak the old score or just create a new score. I opted for the latter. It's an interesting experience, scoring for something I've already edited and scored for almost two years ago (wow, that went by fast).

I approached the last score in segments. I'd edit a sequence, then score the music for it, then edit a sequence, then score the music, and on and on. This time through, I decided early on to try a different method, perhaps the more traditional route. I locked down the rough edit (of course, there may still be changes, but it's pretty much set) before even striking a key. Now I'm scoring one long, 70-80 minute piece that has its gaps, but flows together much more like one ever mutating song instead of multiple isolated tracks.

Another of the creative decisions I've made is the lack of too many central themes or motifs, but to rather focus completely on the emotions, save for one main, title theme that makes its way into the piece here and there, sometimes subtly, sometimes at the front of it all. It used to be that I would develop multiple re-ocurring themes that helped shape ideas and thoughts behind the actions and dialogue, and take us back to them when it was time to chew on them some more. Instead, this time around, I'm simply walking through the woods, hitting the instruments that come to my mind.

The result is a more reflective, simple and yet at times foreboding score that speaks in a much greater way to the inner turmoil our characters face, yet without pouring the melodramatic overtones on thick (and without always relying on the high pitched violins to say "this is drama").

In many ways, this film could come off as an extended music video without words, as many silent moments that weren't in the film before are now present, and require some kind of musical accompaniment.

It's a fun ride, scoring a film, and it's an interesting experience doing it all over again for a piece that I've already completed.

Here's a short sample of the new score.

Music and I

2009-05-05T16:01:00.005-06:00

I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m no musician. I’m a filmmaker, who has a great appreciation and passion for the score. I believe the soundtrack to be the backbone of the film experience. It must be understood and respected by the director, not merely put off to someone who knows how to make it “sound good”.

I was homeschooled as a child. I had plenty of opportunities to pursue musical education, but I found no interest in it. I did, however, love listening to movie soundtracks. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” would pummel me with its trumpets and timpanis as I contended with complicated algebra problems; “Star Trek”, with all its various fanfares, would inspire me to dream of the future as I studied the past.

Then, at the age of 16, always having been interested in telling stories, I discovered what it was I truly wanted to do with my life – make films. And, as I delved into the world of digital media, creating quick short films and videos, I was quickly disinterested with the notion of using music from CDs or other sources to quickly slap on a background track. I wanted something new, fresh, original, for each of my pieces. I spent many an hour searching online for free MIDI programs, and came across my first love in scoring, “Anvil Studio”. Primitive, cheap (actually, free), and limited, it nonetheless was all that I needed, in fact, more than I could handle, as I dived into writing music…when I couldn’t read it.

I won’t bore you with the details, but I quickly grew from one program to the next, always learning more about MIDI processing, scoring, and how to read the project, understanding that the music itself was already there – I just had to write it. Still, to this day, I cannot read music, and instead write by sound. Perhaps I could write faster if I took the time to learn how to read, but to be honest, I’ve come to enjoy the guessing process. And have found programs to work with my handicap.

I went from Anvil Studio coupled with a sampler called “Wingroove” to Finale Allegro, to Finale, learned how to use it with Sony Acid Pro and the full Garritan Personal Orchestra, and finally, now, have moved to a Mac platform and am utilizing the GPO with Logic Studio.

I’m still at heart that 16 year old boy who just discovered he can make his own music for his own movies. Every time I sit down to knock out a score, I get a little thrill. I might not be the best, or a pro, or even worth anyone else’s time, but I love it. And isn’t that reason enough to do anything?

Check out various pieces of music I've written throughout the last couple of years here.

What is Chains of Freedom?

2009-01-27T16:36:00.002-07:00

Unfortunately, at this point in time, I'm not at liberty to discuss the actual concept or storyline of this film, mainly because I don't want to ruin the surprise. There's no twist ending, there's no surprise at the end, but it's something I pray is not just a film, but an experience.

So, while I can't tell you what the story is, I can share with you the meaning of the title.

Chains of Freedom is a title that I extracted from the Apostle Paul's letters in which he refers to himself as a slave of Christ. For me, this refers to the notion that freedom causes a natural, internal obligation to do the thing that is truly in your heart to do. It is the internal obligation to change what you know needs changing, to be honest and authentic in what it is you do, and not to fear correction. Not to fear being called on something that is wrong; knowing that you are not identified by what you struggle(d) with.

You're not pushed to do things by guilt, or external pressure, but simply a knowing heart that is freed from fear, from pride, from darkness.

Someone in this film will experience that freedom in a very literal way. They will be challenged with the notion that, from this moment on, they are no longer what someone else wants them to be, they are no longer defined by their birth. From this moment on, they are what they choose. They are how they react to situations. They are how they respond to correction. And they will always have the freedom, the choice, the ability, to change.

This character won't know how to deal with this compelling that comes from within at first, but they will grow into it, and become who it is they truly want to be.

That, in a nutshell, is Chains of Freedom.

Supernatural Inspiration

2008-12-17T14:29:00.010-07:00

So, I have had an interesting week. I've started writing music for Chains of Freedom as I've gotten the plot points where I want them. Basically, I'm going to write some tracks this month, then use them for inspiration for what I write when I start next month. More than inspiration, actually. They're like the audible blueprints of the emotions and the pacing.

But when I talk about inspiration, there is a lot of inspiration going on in my house lately. Directly related to this film, I realize. Last October I was at Vineyard Boise's Men's Retreat. I got a notebook from it. The day after I got home from the retreat, I felt the urge to wake up early one morning, leave the lights off, pick up my notebook and write whatever came to me on the page. So I did. One of the things I wrote? "I'm going to send you an angel to inspire you." Cool, I thought.

Fast-forward to this week.

It's Monday night, or early Tuesday morning, one of the two. I'm at my computer, working on the webpage for The Baseball. The phone rings. I look at it -- it's my cell phone, which is in the bedroom. I pick it up. My wife's on the other line.

"Are you okay?" she asks. What this means is, you're up really late, at the computer, online.

Back-up. To fully understand this, I must disclose why I go to Celebrate Recovery. One of my character flaws is lust, specifically through the internet. That's right. Porn. It has been a battle that I have fought, and I take no prisoners with by fighting to be brutally honest with my brothers and sisters, and my wife. Fortunately, I have a wife that understands what I battle, and fights with me. She doesn't fight for me, but she is my spouse, my "life-partner", as some say. She fights alongside me, and I fight alongside her when she struggles with her things.

So, I realize, oh, it is really late, I am kind of in the danger zone, but, odd, not really feeling tempted at all. In fact, the thought is kind of repulsive. So I reply, "Yes, I think so."

Her voice wavers as she says, "I had a weird dream. I dreamt a demon was standing over you while you were at the computer."

Of course, that sends chills down my spine. You gotta know, when my wife dreams something like that, it's real. We've experienced it first-hand, as we've driven out demons from our house before, and one of them, the demon of pornography, is a vile creature that Rachel described as a skeleton with a bony finger that points at you. He was at every spot I've looked at porn or masturbated, constantly pointing at me. Together, we asked Jesus to drive him out.

So I was perturbed when my wife dreams of this. But when she describes him, it's not a skeleton. Not that I think spiritual beings retain the same shape, I think emotions change what a spirit looks or feels like, just as our emotions change the way we see things. But demons are one dimensional -- they are the ultimate depression. They can't ever be anything other than what they are called. Just like, when you don't have Christ, you are what you struggle with. Thank Christ that I don't have that problem -- I am NOT what I struggle with because of Him.

Rachel described him as a lengthy, seven foot tall, plain looking, creepy and intense being. (Later she told me he also had large wings, but they were folded behind him, and his arms were crossed as he stared intently at me.) I put my guard up, said a couple of loud prayers in case it was a demon, but felt pushed to keep working. It wasn't a guilt or an addictive thing, it was, "I want to do this." I honestly wanted to finish The Baseball's page, because it was one step closer to my goals, goals that I think are what God wants me to do. My creativity was at an all time high, and porn was the furthest thing from my mind.

I hit the sack at the evil hour of 4 a.m., having finished (at least for now) The Baseball's page. Ugh. Three hours later, I was up again, going to work.

Last night, I was at the computer again, this time writing the aforementioned music. As I was looking at my shadow on the curtains, I saw what I thought was the shadow of another behind me moving. Then, I had one of those moments where I blinked and went, "Wait, my physical eyes didn't see that." Chills. Again, I rebuked any demon that might be there and called on God to protect me. And again, the inspiration flowed. The piece I created was incredibly eerie, describing...well, I'm not ready to talk about Chains of Freedom's plot line. Not just yet. ;)

I played it for my wife tonight, and she started getting extremely uncomfortable. She looked at me with watering eyes and said, "This is really creepy." She was getting the same feeling that she got when she saw the being standing over me. It was at that moment that I remembered, God had said He was going to send an angel to inspire me. And somehow, I think that angel is "in" that musical piece.

Praying about it, I feel that this angel is assigned to me for a while, and wonder if he isn't permanently assigned to this film. Going back to what I said a minute ago, I think that angel looked or felt intense and disturbed because that's what he was feeling. Entirely spiritual beings, I believe, aren't bound by physical dimensions. They look as they feel. Think about it. You, a human being, are both spirit and flesh. Your flesh keeps you in one shape (that slowly changes, still), but depending on how you think, how you feel, it can affect how you see, what you see, and sometimes, yeah, it can even change your appearance.

I don't seek for Him to bless my projects. I ask to bless His. And I pray that's what's happening. My prayer is that God would literally invest His Spirit, His Forces, into this film. There's legend that a picture captures both the seen and the unseen. If that is ever to be true, I pray Chains of Freedom captures the unseen here.

All that to say, I think there's an angel hanging out at my house. And I welcome any of God's army to abide with me. I pray I can be of service to the Kingdom of Light.

- Brandon

Aslan Fierce

2008-12-14T22:59:00.004-07:00

So, I'm developing a new motto for myself. Aslan Fierce. One of the character defects I have is not having a healthy balance of respect for myself and respect for others. I'm one of those co-dependent types, so my respect for others is generally far greater than my respect for myself. And as I've already experienced in the world of making films, this can lead to trouble.

Because one of the biggest challenges working in film can be dealing with people that have a rather strong head about things and, sometimes, elevate themselves to a position that can seek to overpower my guiding as director. And my problem is I'm far too willing to bend to make sure there are no fights. It's not that I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I'm afraid of hurting people.

So afraid, in fact, that sometimes -- nah, most of the time -- I don't say what I think, I cushion my comments to make the other person feel "special". Well, by disrespecting myself and watering down how I really feel, I'm also disrespecting them, by patronizing them and thinking of them as weak and unable to handle my thoughts.

Now, this shouldn't be confused with being a blowhard dork who blasts the trumpet every chance he/she gets -- in fact, many times, those are the kinds of people I find myself bending over for.

But what is the root of my fear of hurting people? I've discovered, over the last several months of self-contemplation as I've been praying and thinking about this, that it's a fear of having to deal with making amends. I hate making amends. Hate hate hate it. I hate the drama, I hate the tears, I hate it all. The great irony is that I've been going to Celebrate Recovery for several years now and have been trying to practice all of the principles and the twelve steps, including amends when possible.

But I hate it. So, I've discovered recently that, rather than risk making amends, I just shut my mouth. Ha ha ha. That's taking us back to step one, eh? Coming out of denial?

How is it helpful to anyone, anyone, if I don't communicate when someone is overstepping their boundaries? Now, I'm not talking about getting vocal about every little time somebody bugs me. But if somebody keeps doing something that keeps bugging me, there comes a point where I have to stop and say, "Listen, dude/dudette, this really bugs me, and hear's why. Stop it." And if they don't? Well, that's where grace comes in, somehow blended with continued reminders.

So, when I talk about "Aslan Ferocity", I'm not talking about yelling. Sometimes a good roar is needed, but more often than not, a quiet, firm tone will suffice. And I'm good at the quiet tone -- I'm naturally not one to impose myself on someone else. I'm a team player, I enjoy working under others, with others -- it's the working over others, in fact, that I have the hardest time with, for this very reason.

So, if you know me, work with me, are related to me, or (most relevant to this blog) have any desire to work with me on a film, know that I'm finding that balance. Sometimes you have to overcompensate when you're naturally quiet, but I'll find that rhythm.

The future of "Chains of Freedom", my next feature film, depends on me finding it. I'm not giving away authority I shouldn't, am not bending over to save face, and am not tolerating repeated amounts of crap that personally disrespect me any longer. And if my compensation process offends you, I do care. Tell me, and we'll work it out. We'll make amends.

Roar.

Seeing without eyes

2008-12-13T13:33:00.007-07:00

So, I really liked the first Matrix film. Like, a lot. Then I saw the sequels, and, well, let's just say the magic died. But, despite the tragedy that is the two films after the groundbreaking original, the last film has a scene in it that I was thinking about this morning.

What made me think of this scene this morning was kind of an odd experience. I was on the toilet, tired, and looking around at my surroundings like I often do -- not paranoid, just observant, always listening. I closed my eyes, yet I could still see everything, as if my eyes were open. Then I opened them and that was that. A weird little moment.

It got me thinking. If I stop and look at my life, I realize the times that God is doing the most is when all of the natural is blinded. Natural sight is not bad, of course. In fact, it's kind of a good thing. But I know that I can't lean on anything but God. I can't depend on my eyes, I can't depend on my mind, I can't depend on my feelings. All these things are indicators of where I am, not where I should go.

When I need to see what's in front of me, what it is that I need to do, I need to close my eyes, not in "blind faith", but rather, I need to realize that my perspective is not the all seeing, all knowing point of view. And the One who has that perspective will guide me, is guiding me, always. I just need to listen, and, when distracting facades try to hide what really is going on, I need to cut off their access to my spirit by closing my eyes and depending on His eyes.

That's how I approach filmmaking. That's how I tell stories. It doesn't always make the most sense, even to me, but I get the most out of it when I leave room for God to shake things up, because He sees something I don't.

My Next Big Project

2008-12-13T09:41:00.002-07:00

January of '09 will mark the start of my adventure in writing my next feature film, "Chains of Freedom". In addition to my sure to be random posts and thoughts, I'll be sharing my experience (within reason, obviously, as I don't want no thievin' of my intellectual propert-ay...ahem), and my goal is that I'll still be updating this as the production itself starts. In addition to that, I've got a few smaller coals in the fire this year, and I'll be sharing about those as well.

So, there you have it.